September 2018

I've been on holiday! Like a proper holiday with sun and a beach. Did a lot of cycling on the tiny island of Formentera (just off the coast of Ibiza) and sunbathing. Also ate lots of paella and used my shop-talk Spanish to great effect. Before leaving I decided that I want to do more cycling, practice my Spanish and learn more about stargazing. Sometimes I forget to do anything or make plans or get excited. I want to do more and be more... And now it's written down so I won't forget!

Also this month I ended up watching The Circle on Channel 4. I can see this reality show format (social media meets Big Brother) becoming quite a big thing. For now though there's a weird alchemy going on as the production team and the contestants feel their way through this new format and game and it just feels electric and engrossing. Then again maybe I've become so attuned to crap reality TV I've been blindsided somewhat. Who knows! I like it though.

September
1/9 Bodyguard (2018 – 2 episodes) Blackkklansman (2018) One Punch Man (2)
2/9 Jack Ryan (2018 – 2 episodes) Bodyguard (1) BLOG POST– novel chapter 2,710 words
3/9 One Punch Man (1) University Challenge (1)
4/9 The Great British Bake Off (1)
5/9 One Punch Man (1)
6/9 Searching (2018)
7/9 Preacher (1 – season 3 finished) Molly’s Game (2017) It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (Season 13 – episode 1)
8/9 Strictly Come Dancing (1) Last Night of the Proms 2018
9/9 GREAT NORTH RUN 2018 – 3 hours 1 minute 29 seconds – all agony One Punch Man (2)
10/9 One Punch Man (1) University Challenge (1) Bodyguard (1)
11/9 One Punch Man (1) The Great British Bake Off (1)
12/9 One Punch Man (1)
13/9 HISTORY BOOK CLUB – unfinished books – The Scramble for Africa Thomas Pakenham (1991) read approx. 200p The Fortunes of Africa: A 5,000-Year History of Wealth, Greed and Endeavour Martin Meredith (2014) read approx. 300p It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2)
14/9 It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2) Cowboy Bebop (1) Listen to Britain (1942) Bling Ring (2013)
16/9 Bridget Jones Baby (2016) Wind River (2017) Bodyguard (1)
17/9 Bojack Horseman (Season 5 – 2 episodes)
18/9 Bojack Horseman (1) The Great British Bake Off (1) The Circle (1)
19/9 The Americans (season 1 – 1 episode) The Land of Steady Habits (2018) The Circle (1)
20/9 Bojack Horseman (1) Mass for Shut Ins (2017) Sullivan’s Travels (1941) The Circle (1)
21/9 Bojack Horseman (1) The Andromeda Strain (1971) The Circle (1)
22/9 The Lady Eve (1941) 12 Angry Men (1957) Rope (1948) Strictly Come Dancing (1)
23/9 Film Stars Don’t Die in Liverpool (2017) The Americans (1) Killing Eve (1) The Circle (1)
24/9 Bojack Horseman (1) Killing Eve (1) The Circle (1)
25/9 Killing Eve (1) Bojack Horseman (1) The Great British Bake Off (1) Queen of the World (ITV Special) The Circle (1)
26/9 Killing Eve (1) The Circle (1)
27/9 The Americans (1) Killing Eve (2) The Circle (1)
28/9 Killing Eve (2) The Circle (1)
29/9 Game Night (2018)

We watched First Dates in Spanish on holiday (never managed a full episode due to extensive channel hopping which is why it's not on my list). It's identical to the Ch4 production except I could only understand slivers of conversation - this vastly improved the programme. 

The Valet

Cynthia was quite an ordinary looking girl. As far as hosts went she could have been the most plain woman Donovan had ever laid eyes on but he was aware it was eleven in the morning on a Wednesday. Any restaurant worth it's salt would preserve the jaw-dropping specimens for the evening shifts when there would be much more traffic. Plus, for all Donovan was aware, the girl could be a relative or friend of the owner and had been given the job to line her pockets for whatever vocational endeavour she was wrapped up in. Perhaps shot-put or javelin. Her shoulders were very broad.

"I'm sorry sir, we don't have a valet here."

At least she sounded genuinely distraught by the revelation. Donovan rewarded her empathy with a sad smile.

"So what are we going to do Cynthia?" He asked with an air of authority he had observed his father adopt when admonishing a subordinate. It felt powerful, no wonder the bastard rolled it out so often, everyone was a subordinate in his father's world.

"I'm not sure what..." She was young and nervous. Donovan felt quite confident he didn't have to ask if she knew who he was. Any young woman in her early twenties with a social media account could likely identify Donovan in a line up. He was certain he had been a question in a TV quiz show a few weeks ago. His net worth and influence were hotly debated topics in the tabloids. Not that Donovan had any idea what any of it meant if he couldn't find the woman he had lost.

A man with a buzz-cut swathed in chef whites lumbered toward the bar as the pair stood awkwardly facing one another. He was carrying a large metal pan and slung it in the sink at the bar and turned the tap to begin filling it.

"Lee..." The girl croaked, she cleared her throat, "Ellis said you shouldn't do that Lee."

The chef ignored her, he was thumbing at the mobile phone in the hand which wasn't resting on the tap. "Lee!" She squawked.

The older man looked up. Donovan noted the crows feet and noticeable sagging of jowls along with an indistinguishable black tattoo on his neck. "Sorry love, what were you saying?"

"We have a customer." Cynthia flapped her hand anxiously at Donovan.

"Ellis said you shouldn't do that Lee." Donovan said employing the same admonishing tone he had just used.

The chef made a low grumbling sound in his throat and turned the tap off abruptly.

"Actually, maybe you can help me." Donovan said. "I'm looking for a valet called Steve."

"Yeah, I know Steve." The chef said, "He's my pot-wash."

Cynthia and Lee exchanged concerned glances. Cynthia looked terrified and Lee appeared to be angry for some reason, his forehead was creased and his nostrils flared. Donovan could tell that this revelation was the sort of bombshell he had not anticipated.

"Hope you don't mind me asking but why is someone like you coming here and asking for Steve?" Lee asked with an eloquence Donovan was disconcerted by.

Cynthia was staring at her shoes with grim fascination.

"I'm not judging or anything." The chef held up his hands, "Steve did the whole rehab thing but if he's still doing -"

"I don't think that's any of your business." Donovan could barely contain his incredulity. This man in stained pyjamas had crossed the line of impropriety.

"He's my employee." Lee was much taller and broader than Donovan had previously noticed.

"Steve happens to know someone I am looking for." Donovan said hotly.

"Yeah, Steve knows a lot of people but they don't turn up here and I'd rather they didn't if I'm honest." Lee had moved from behind the bar and was standing next to Cynthia who appeared shrunken in his presence.

"Cynthia." Donovan looked down at the crown of the girl's head, "Could you please give Steve my number and ask him to call me?"

Luckily Donovan had a pen in his pocket. He took a napkin from the bar and wrote his number on it and then crammed it between the young woman's fingers. He took an opportunity to catch Lee's eye and glowered at the chef before stalking out of the restaurant.

Later that evening

"You’re here!" Donovan crowed delightedly.

"I should not be here." Sarah said solemnly. "You are awfully chirpy."
"Ah, that'll be due to.... well, they are very nice here!" Donovan looked down at his arm which was resting against his chest in a cast and sling. His face felt fatigued from the strain of smiling but he was vaguely aware he wasn't in pain. He had been advised to expect some discomfort. He couldn't move his lower extremities having been bound into a sitting position with sheets and pillows.

"Is she coming?" Donovan's head suddenly shot upwards having been surveying his neatly arranged sheets with curiosity. His chin tilted upwards to expose a large red welt consuming the lower section of his jaw and chin. His eyes were encircled with deep purple, ice chip blue eyes prominently glinting from his bloodied visage.

Sarah felt a pang of sympathy for him. It hadn't crossed her mind to try and contact anyone else regarding the brief phone call she had received from a harried ward nurse. The experience of answering the phone and immediately jumping in a taxi to get to the hospital had taken up all of her energy. Fury and frustration had consumed her as she had stormed into the building striding toward the hospital room. 

Donovan had been asking repeatedly since becoming conscious when his 'emergency contact' would be coming. One of the nurses had suggested informing his father about what had happened but Donovan had vehemently disagreed with taking such action. 

"Why am I here Donovan?" Sarah asked upon entering the room. She rarely sounded like she was pleased to see him but Donovan had always admired her honesty. It was a refreshing change to the familiar sycophancy he was subjected to. She was all leather, black jacket, boots and attitude. The sight of her felt like a tonic to his anticipation but Sarah wasn't who he expected to see.

"They said they'd call my emergency contact." Donovan wasn't sure how to approach the question. Perhaps She was in the hall waiting to make an entrance. Perhaps they had travelled separately.

"And why did they have that number? My number?" Her eyes were down-turned, forehead slack, hair somewhat frayed at the edges, Donovan noticed on second inspection that she looked dishevelled.

"That's the emergency contact number that she gave me." He said distractedly, "Where is she?"

Sarah loitered at the bottom of the bed surveying him with a furrowed brow, down-turned eyes and a sorrowful expression. She sighed deeply and looked at him, their eyes connected. It was rare for her to make eye contact, she would always look off into the distance or focus on her own fidgeting fingers when talking to him. 

"She's not coming Donovan." Sarah said softly. 

"Oh..." Donovan looked at his feet enshrouded in white cotton. Sarah's black figure hovered in the background, out of focus, a shadow he wished would vanish. He wiggled his toes back and forth and then looked at the florescent lights distractedly. His eyes stung and he scrunched them shut, his toes continued to wriggle, "When is she coming?" He croaked.

"She's not." Sarah said. 

The phone number the nurses had called was Sarah's personal number, it was a phone she didn't use but carried with her at all times and kept fully charged. Sarah hadn't used it for anything for the longest time but kept it with her out of habit. It was an old scar that had barely healed and threatened to rupture at the slightest provocation. Donovan didn't know this. Sarah could discern at least that much. The number had been given to him because She knew that it would be a direct line to Sarah and that Sarah would always answer the call regardless of the time or place. It felt like a betrayal.

Sarah walked up to the side of the hospital bed and her cool skeletal fingers entwined with his. He could barely feel the sensation of skin against his but he was vaguely aware of her sudden proximity. Had Donovan been able register what was happening around him he would have realised that this was the first time Sarah had touched him. The drugs and despair were too much for him to appreciate this small moment of intimacy. It felt like gloved hands brushing in the winter. He was too numb, too far away to feel her attempt to pull him back. 

"Are you okay?" Sarah asked, her hair framing her expression of concern as she looked down at him, eyes boring into his forehead as he resolutely avoided her gaze.

"I'm fine!" He said quickly and much more loudly than he expected. Was he shouting? Did everyone hear him? What would the nurses think? 

Sarah released his unresponsive fingers and collapsed into the plastic chair next to his hospital bed. She surveyed the wires and contusions adorning his exposed arms with a grim expression. They sat in empty silence for a few minutes. 

A nurse appeared and broke the spell as Donovan was compelled to discuss how he was feeling with the warm business-like woman. She rearranged his pillows when he said he felt like he was 'sinking'. Sarah helped shove another cushion behind him. The nurse reviewed the clipboard at the bottom of the bed and suggested that they would wait for the doctor to see if they would need to keep him in for the duration of the night. Sarah had nodded and mumbled in acquiescence. 

"Do you think they'll give me a sponge bath?" Donovan asked after the nurse had left.

Sarah cleared her throat, "What happened?" She asked.

"I got pushed out of a window." Donovan said.

Sarah looked shocked, he could tell. He couldn't quite twist his head to look at her face directly, she was sitting at a very awkward angle with her legs slung over the arm of the chair. His neck brace was very obstructive but he could definitely tell she was horrified by the prospect.

"Nah, but I did get the shit kicked out of me." He said.

"No kidding." She said.

Donovan had received an ominous phone-call around six in the evening. A low gravelled voice wanted to know if someone required the services of a valet. Donovan had been sitting in a bar with a few friends in the Quadrangle. The surrounding music had been loud and he had to jam his fist in his ear to block out the voices and noises around him. The voice advised Donovan to meet him at a hotel in the lower Business District and go to room 603 in an hour.

Donovan looked around him and a smooth smiling face was peering at him from across the booth. Rashida was giving him some very promising signals. She had a perfect petite nose and complimentary features. Her mother was a cabinet minister and they had frequented intersecting social functions for the past several years. Since she had graduated from University Rashida had begun to increase in confidence, she was also dressing better and drinking hard liquor. Further to that she had been making eyes at him for the majority of the early evening. 

"Ahh, might not be able to make it tonight chum." Donovan had said. The line remained silent for a long moment, "Are you there?" Donovan had asked. "Sorry the line has gone quiet." He pressed the phone harder to his ear.
"Just get to the fucking hotel fuckhole." The line disconnected.

"If only I had stayed with the lovely Rashida..." Donovan said wistfully.
"Then maybe you could have slept on her couch." Sarah said.

The hotel had been an exceedingly low-class establishment, far below Donovan's standard, he doubted he had ever had the displeasure of setting foot in a discount chain hotel before. There were vending machines in the lobby and a singular receptionist in a garishly coloured waistcoat with an overly large pimple on her cheek. 

A sharp rap on the door of 603 had prompted it to creak open into a darkened cramped room and then the itchy carpet had grazed Donovan's chin and his ankles were grasped firmly as he was dragged deeper into the cavern.

"Carpet burn on my chin!" Donovan exclaimed, perhaps his other injuries were technically worse but the carpet burn was certainly an insult more than anything. Such an injury wouldn't have happened in an establishment with a better pile density in their carpets.
"Classy." Sarah had said smoothly.

For the following ten minutes or so he was kicked and throttled and at one point his arm was slung behind his back and cracked into two pieces. The x-rays showed a perfectly clean transverse fracture according to the doctor when he first came around. Apart from that there was a lot of internal bleeding and perhaps they mentioned a rib or two but nothing had been ruptured.

Donovan thought the actual beating hadn't been half as bad as lying on the floor shifting in and out of consciousness for what felt like hours. The gravelled voice had called an ambulance and had left Donovan on the floor with a bag of ice from the mini-bar tucked against his stomach. The cold had burned, inhaling and exhaling were agonising, the darkness had been overwhelming. 

"I just turned up and fucking Lee... he told me I shouldn't go back there or he'd call the fucking police." Steve had grunted sitting on the end of one of the single beds in the dark room. Sirens were echoing in the streets. 

"I haven't been a valet for years." Donovan recalled the voice saying as he saw white specks dance around his vision, he couldn't tell if his eyes were open or closed. "I lost my job then too. But she made it up to me." Donovan could see the faint glow of a mobile phone in the dark illuminate an aged wrinkled face with gnarled features.

"And now we're even." Steve the valet had said walking away and slamming the bedroom door behind him.

Sarah frowned as Donovan ended his story with a deep sigh.

"She cost him his job." Sarah mumbled.

"And I had my knickers around my ankles in the back of some Rolls or whatever and well... yeah." She had cackled maniacally. "Oh man what a night...." Her hand slapped her thigh and her martini glass shuddered as she careened forward spilling it across the table.

"That's not what I asked." Helen had been unimpressed with her raucous demonstration. "You shouldn't be giving the clients drugs." She added sternly.

"I don't think you should be telling me how to do my job Helen." She had said with an unfocused glare, "I don't tell you how to cash the cheques."

"I think it's fair that we don't get involved in each other's areas of..." Sarah mumbled.

"The grown-ups are talking Face." Helen interjected with a raised palm toward Sarah. 

'The Face' was Sarah's code-name. This was if they were attempting any level of discretion but such fripperies continuously fell by the wayside as the women ignored their own rules with sneering disregard. Any level of professionalism evaporated once they had begun to drink. Helen referred to Sarah as the 'Face' simply as a term of derision. Sarah knew it was because she had nothing more to offer the business and Helen belittled her as a way of maintaining control. Being able to acknowledge such behaviour didn't make it any easier to accept. These were not reasonable women. Helen had become less combative as time had passed but Sarah never could forget those early vicious moments.

"He was her dealer." Sarah explained to an enraptured Donovan. "The first night she met him she cost him his job."

"Oooooh." Donovan said with realisation and relief. Sarah noted that he looked very drowsy. "So how did she get him sacked?" He asked.

"Don't remember." Sarah shrugged.

August 2018

More reading this month. My shift patterns mean I get an hour in the morning to do that in the kitchen. I might get bored of reading at some point though... I'm not sure yet. It's been a pretty sparse month for much of anything else.

It was my birthday which felt like a non-event. I kept holding out that it would fix my worrisome nagging feeling that something would go horribly wrong. It didn't make it better and I'm still terribly afraid the ground will fall out from beneath me. I'm just waiting for the moment I stumble and trip over the detonator.

August
1/8 Prime Japan: Sushi (1) Tamara Drewe (2010)
2/8 Mamma Mia 2: Here We Go Again (2018)
3/8 The Bold Type (1) Minnie and Moskowitz (1971)
4/8 The Autobiography of Malcolm X Malcolm X with assistance of Alex Haley (1965) 501p
5/8 Albert Nobbs (2011) Love Island Reunion
6/8 Prime Japan (1) Up Against the Wall: Violence in the Making and Unmaking of the Black Panther Party Curtis J Austin (2006) 348p
7/8 University Challenge (1)
8/8 The Autobiography of Martin Luther King Jr Edited by Clayborne Carson (1999) 370p
10/8 Antman and the Wasp (2018)
11/8 Preacher (1) Tomb Raider (2018) The Illusionist (2006)
12/8 The Bold Type (1) Phantom Thread (2017) Mississippi Grind (2015)
13/8 Dark Tourist (2) University Challenge (1)
14/8 A Little History of the World E H Gombrich (2008) 284p Prime Japan (1)
15/8 Preacher (1)
16/8 Did You Wonder Who Fire the Gun? (2017)
17/8 Dark Tourist (2) Florence Foster Jenkins (2016)
18/8 How Heavy This Hammer (2015) The Wedding Banquet (1993) Dark Tourist (1) Eat Drink Man Woman (1994)
19/8 Historytelling (2018) My Man Godfrey (1936) Death Becomes Her (1992)
20/8 Prime Japan (1) 1,000 Years of Annoying the French Stephen Clarke (2010) 645p
21/8 Dark Tourist (1)
22/8 Dark Tourist (1)
23/8 Preacher (1)
24/8 Dark Tourist (1) Cape Fear (1962)
25/8 Cape Fear (1991) Prime Japan (1)
26/8 The Last Emperor (1987) Prime Japan (1) Machete (2010)
27/8 The Romanovs Simon Sebag Montefiore (2016) 657p 8 ½ (1963) Prime Japan (1) University Challenge (1)
28/8 The Great British Bake Off (1)
30/8 One Punch Man (3)

July 2018

Fair warning, Love Island is now thankfully over. I think there's an episode due on the weekend but then it's all over. May we never speak about it again. That and the World Cup, the euphoria was contagious and pleasant, I liked that everyone had something to be optimistic about for a change. Apart from that I am now gainfully employed and trying to feel secure in myself. It's a daily struggle.

July
1/7 Queer Eye (4)
2/7 Brooklyn Nine Nine (5) Love Island (1)
3/7 Brooklyn Nine Nine (2) World Cup: England vs Colombia (Final 16) Love Island (1)
4/7 Preacher (1) The Bold Type (2) Love Island (1)
5/7 Brooklyn Nine Nine (2) Love Island (1)
6/7 Brooklyn Nine Nine (5) Love Island (1)
7/7 World Cup: England vs Sweden (Quarter Finals – and history was made) World Cup: Russia vs Croatia (Quarter Finals)
8/7 Champions (2) The Bold Type (5) Love Island (1)
9/7 Glow (1) Love Island (1)
10/7 Glow (1) Love Island (1)
11/7 Glow (1) World Cup: England vs Croatia (Semi Finals) Love Island (1)
12/7 1177 B.C.: The Year Civilization Collapsed (Turning Points in Ancient History) Eric Cline (2015) 180p Love Island (1)
13/7 Love Island (1)
14/7 Glow (2) The Mummy Returns (2001)
15/7 Sunday Politics (1) Wimbledon 2018: Men’s Final (3 sets – boring) World Cup: France vs Croatia (Final) Glow (1) Love Island (1)
16/7 Glow (1) A Burning Hot Summer (2011) Love Island (1)
17/7 Love Island (1) Glow (1)
18/7 BLOG POST– novel chapter 716 words (unpublished – unfinished. Published 1,539 word post which I was previously unhappy with on 30/6) Love Island (1)
19/7 Glow (1) Kuro (2017) Love Island (1)
20/7 The Exorcist (1973) Rosemary’s Baby (1968)
21/7 Love Island (1) Unreal (season 4 – all 8 episodes) Glow (1 – season 2 finished) Joel McHale Show (2) Preacher (1)
22/7 Sunday Politics (1) Joel McHale Show (4) The Bold Type (5 – finished season 1 & 4 episodes of season 2) Love Island (1)
23/7 The Bold Type (3) Love Island (1)
24/7 Preacher (1) Love Island (1)
25/7 The Bold Type (1) Love Island (1)
26/7 Dynasty (2018 – 1 episode) Love Island (1)
27/7 Love Island (1)
28/7 The Battle for God: Fundamentalism in Judaism, Christianity and Islam Karen Armstrong (2004) 371p To Rome with Love (2012)
29/7 Mala Noche (1985) The Hymns of Muscovy (2018) Dynasty (1) Erase and Forget (2017) Love Island (1)
30/7 Preacher (1) Love Island: Finale (1)
31/1 Detroit (2017)

The Disappointment

"And that's all I'm paying for." He asked.
Sarah nodded with a calm smile, lips closed, forehead soft. Her teeth were gritted together.

"But I was told..." He looked angry, "That you would do anything I wanted."

Just take a drink. Rocket fuel, paint thinner, narcotics, anything to take me from here.

This issue arose frequently. Running the business solely through word of mouth was a tricky endeavour but a necessary evil. It meant that the majority of her clients would frequently be sitting in front of her with little comprehension of her services. Even after their appointment, it was clear that many still weren't entirely sure what had just happened. It didn't really matter much to Sarah, if they were dissatisfied the likelihood was that they wouldn't bother her again. Some simply returned for the company. She took their money and was happy for the free drinks. 

"And what was it that you expected?" Sarah asked attempting a flirtatious flutter of her eyelids.

"Well I didn't expect this." He huffed. Clearly she wasn't what he was looking for. She couldn't be to everyone's taste. 

Sarah didn't feel obligated to convince anyone of anything. There was nothing explicit involved in arranging these meetings. She preferred the mystery and obfuscation. If this particular person had been led to believe something untrue, well, that was just the nature of her business.

In fairness Sarah felt her vetting process needed some work. A potential client would be responsible for obtaining her mobile phone number. They would call her phone four times on an unblocked burner phone. Only one call a day. Sarah would return the call after the fourth call three days later. Sarah's telephone number changed every 6 weeks and she would give this to any client's she met with 'in case of an emergency'.

Sarah would ask her client's not to discuss her business with friends or colleagues. She would emphasise the exclusivity of her service and intimated that she had a busy schedule and didn't need any new clients. The majority of her clients passed her number around and it was extremely rare that her phone log and diary weren't filled with potential business clamouring for her to call them back. 

She had a diary to keep track of the numbers and would agree a time and place and advised that the client destroyed their burner phone at that time. A lot of numbers tried once or twice and then gave up. A lot of numbers when she returned the call (blocking her own number) didn't answer and they would have to start the process again. A surprising amount of them continued to call her until she got through to them. The phone tag process was satisfactory for the time being.

"Tell me what it is you want." Sarah said. "I'm sure I can be of some assistance."

"All you're doing is talking." The man said with an every deepening frown. "I have to say, I'm unimpressed with this."

Sarah sat up straight and threw her shoulders back.

Confidence, deep breath, you are in control. 

"You'd be surprised what a conversation can achieve." Sarah said with a smile.

"Listen lady, I was looking for some action." He said, "You don't look like you can take care of yourself, let alone what I need."

"I might not be able to give you what you need." Sarah said, her head tilted, "But if  I can not satisfy your needs then I can certainly arrange something more specific." Her voice had lowered to a purr.

The man ended the meeting with a follow-up meeting and less of an attitude. It took some convincing but he seemed satisfied after all.

Sarah's mother had said she was a precocious child who could get people to do what she wanted just by smiling. Sarah thought it was just her mother feeling guilty for relenting at her every whim. As her life had progressed Sarah had felt doors closed to her, the pang of rejection and opportunities missed. She didn't feel it was fair to share her disappointment with her mother. Her mother worked as a cleaning lady while Sarah grew up. The hours were mostly unsociable and she would work far too many hours. Sarah was alone a lot of the time in their shoe-box apartment with second-hand books and battered magazines which had been salvaged from waiting rooms to keep her company. Her mother would buy books from charity shops. This evolved from bringing dog-eared picture books home into unused textbooks and atlases as the years wore on.

Sarah studied hard because her mother instilled in her that knowing things would mean that she'd eventually 'grow up to be a beautiful clever girl' and 'the world would fall in love with her'. Knowledge was a way of climbing out of poverty. Sarah didn't understand this as a child but had the strongest compulsion to make her mother happy. Over the years Sarah's mother would frequently find her daughter asleep on the sofa with a book on her lap. 

"Rough night?"

Donovan looked over the back of the sofa as she entered her apartment and threw her keys on the kitchen counter.

"Men." Sarah grumbled as she threw her handbag on the counter and rubbed her eyes with her fingers. 

"Come on. Tell me all about it." He patted the cushions next to him as Sarah's shoulder sagged and her head hung low. 

Donovan wanted to know what it was that Sarah spoke to those men about. He had handed her telephone number to many people he had known in passing with the promise of their wildest dreams being granted. She should be paying him a commission, he single-handedly sent a lot of business her way. Donovan had frequently considered what kind of commission would be available to him.

"Please don't ask me." Sarah said, her voice cracked. She poured a glass of water from the tap and drank the contents with several gulps, her back to her house-guest.

"Its not like I'm asking for names or anything." Donovan said his dejection was on full display and Sarah was not biting.

"How's the list?" She asked him.

The Ghost had confused both of them. Sarah couldn't mask her surprise and confusion. Donovan had seemed uncertain about extricating himself from Sarah's couch again once he realised the list was an unknown quantity. He saw it for what it was, a distraction.

"Why?" He said, "Have you not heard anything still?"

Of course she had heard plenty of things, most of them curse words. The subject would be changed or Sarah would be subjected to sullen silences. She felt trapped between two unbearably stubborn people both whom she couldn't escape.

"She's out of town." Sarah lied.

"International business?" Donovan asked with a glimmer of excitement in his voice.

"Yeah okay..." Sarah shrugged. "What's next on the list?"
"The valet." Donovan had his nose turned up. Not very glamorous or particularly enthralling it would seem, especially after the disappointment of the ghost. "Just come and sit down."

Sarah shook her head. "I definitely remember her mentioning a valet." Sarah said her voice a fraction lower which could be shrugged away due to fatigue and a tilt of her head. She felt dirty using her tried and tested technique of obtaining acquiescence on someone who wasn't paying her.

Silk sheets and light blocking curtains are seven feet away. 

"He's just going to be some loser." Donovan snorted. He was aware that he was potentially just one in a line of discarded lovers. It had crossed his mind that the woman he was looking for could have moved on and found someone else but without confirmation or closure he would continue in his quest. 

"Why don't you come with me?" Donovan suggested, he patted the cushions next to him again just in case she hadn't been paying attention the previous four times he had tried it. Sarah would help him, this much he could be sure of. Underneath her prickly demeanour and frequent vicious outbursts, he could see a beautiful soul as gorgeous as her outward appearance. In a world of artifice it was reassuring to know that someone like her could exist. 

"I'm tired Donovan." Sarah said. She wasn't looking him in the eye as she moved across the apartment toward her bedroom. He wasn't getting off her couch any time soon and she hadn't enough time during his previous excursion to change the locks. He was too heavy to carry out of the apartment and throw down the garbage chute. She should do weight training at the gym but she was intimidated by the mirrors in the area. She was aware that others would find their eyes drawn to her but she despised her own reflection.

Sarah stood by her bedroom door. Donovan had turned away and had resumed flicking through the television channels with casual indifference. She could see the pitch black sky through her wall length windows and orange mosaic of street lights stretching out below. Was she doing what was best or what was easiest? 

June 2018

I wanted to make some comments about this month but I can't think of anything. I was very excited about my novel and there was a big motivation and excitement there. I started my new official job this week and it's been exhausting so everything else fell by the wayside. Except for my embarrassing addiction to Love Island. I'm so happy Queer Eye is back also. As it turns out my impulse has been to tilt toward comfort food tv.

Quick reminder I guess, anything that is not bold is something I've already seen.

June
1/6 Josephine: Desire, Ambition, Napoleon Kate Williams (2014) 303p Parks and Recreation (5)
2/6 Imitation of Life (1959) Parks and Recreation (8 – Season 7 finished, I really liked the final season) Atlanta (watched first 2 episodes of season 1 again) Ibiza (2018)
3/6 Atlanta (1) A Very British Scandal (2018) (1)
4/6 Atlanta (1) A Very British Scandal (1)
5/6 A Very British Scandal (1) BLOG POST– 957 words Russia Against Napoleon: The Battle for Europe, 1807 to 1814 Dominic Lieven (2009) 528p
6/6 Love Island (2)
7/8 Waterloo: The History of Four Days, Three Armies and Three Battles Bernard Cromwell (2014) 340p
8/6 Love Island (2) Atlanta (1) Sense8 Finale (1)
9/6 The Privileges Jonathan Dee (2011) 352p The Comedy (2012) Atlanta (1) The Bold Type (Season 1) Stand By Me (1986)
10/6 The Lady Without Camelias (1953) Una (2016) Brooklyn Nine-Nine (Season 2 – 6 episodes) Love Island (1)
11/6 Brooklyn Nine-Nine (1) Bloodline (Season 1 – 1 episode) Love Island (1) BLOG POST– novel chapter 904 words
12/6 Bloodline (1) Love Island (1)
13/6 BLOG POST– novel chapter 2,132 words
14/6 Brooklyn Nine-Nine (3) Love Island (2)
15/6  World Cup: Spain vs Portugal (2^nd half – group stage) Love Island (1)
16/6 My Own Private Idaho (1991) Brooklyn Nine Nine (1) Set it Up (2018) BLOG POST– novel chapter 3,034 words
17/6 BLOG POST– novel chapter 1,566 words World Cup: Mexico vs Germany & Brazil vs Switzerland (group stage) Love Island (1)
18/6 BLOG POST– novel chapter 1,847 words World Cup: England vs Tunisia (group stage - Thank GOD we won) Love Island (1)
19/6 Love Island (1)
20/6 BLOG POST– novel chapter 3,307 words
21/6 Love Island (2) The Inertia Variations (2017)
22/6 BLOG POST– novel chapter 1,658 words Love Island (1)
23/6 The Glass Key (1942) Horrible Bosses (2011) Brooklyn Nine Nine (2) Away We Go (2009) The Bold Type (1)  The Blob (1958) Assault on Precinct 13 (1976)
24/6 Rumble Fish (1983) World Cup: England vs Panama (group stage – 70 minutes, saw many goals!) FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS (Live Tour!)
25/6 Queer Eye (1) Love Island (2)
26/6 Preacher (Season 3 – 1 episode) Love Island (1)
27/6 Exit Strategy Kelley Armstrong (2007) 480p World Cup: Serbia vs Brazil (group stage) Love Island (1)
28/6 World Cup: England vs Belgium (group stage - boring) Love Island (1)
29/6 Queer Eye (1) Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2) Love Island (1)
30/6 Body Double (1984) Queer Eye (1) World Cup: France vs Argentina (Final 16 – watched most of it, good match) Champions (Season 1 – 5 episodes – It got cancelled though!) BLOG POST– novel chapter 1,539 words (unpublished – not happy with it…)

The Supermarket

"I think he's love with her."
"Why?"
"What? Why?!" Sarah sputtered, "What do you mean Why?"
"Well what's wrong with him?" Helen asked.

Sarah exhaled and pivoted as an older gentleman bustled past her with a trolley. Getting Helen in one place and engaging in conversation had been much harder than it should have been. The older woman had evaded all attempts at contact and was insistent that her life was far too hectic to manage minor quibbles between grown adults.

In the end Sarah had no choice but escort Helen to the supermarket. Not a supermarket as such, a 'hypermart' on the outskirts of the city. Helen was on her way out of her front door when Sarah arrived. Helen simply didn't have the energy to argue at that moment. They had to be quick as the kids would be back from the grandparents in an hour. Sarah didn't want to have this discussion in an environment where they could easily be overheard but then again Helen hadn't given her a choice.

Be firm, be confident. Accept what you can't control and make the best of a shitty situation.

"Did she ever mention a ghost to you?" Sarah asked as Helen grasped tomatoes in each hand and returned them to the shelf and then looked studied the selection carefully before taking the same two tomatoes in her hands again.
Helen grunted, it wasn't a word, it barely constituted a response.
Sarah wanted to nudge her, grab her by the shoulders and demand that Helen give her undivided attention to what she was saying.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I've got more important things going on right now Sarah. I'm sorry, I have to feed my family, my children and that is getting in the way of your ridiculous enquiries. I'm sorry you can't solve your own problems without running to me and begging me for my input. I can't do anything anyway. I am an ignorant and rude selfish woman."

Maybe she wouldn't say it in so many words, Sarah considered.

Helen replaced the tomatoes and pushed the trolley away. Whatever calculation had struck her had been abandoned. Sarah followed her keeping in step and several paces behind. The inclination to assist had been dashed when Sarah had thrown a head of lettuce in the trolley out of habit and Helen had glowered at her. No words were spoken, Sarah had simply removed the lettuce and placed it back on the shelf and kept her head lowered. If Helen wanted lettuce to make salads or to go in a sandwich then it was her decision, she had not asked for Sarah's help in her shopping.

"Helen?" Sarah asked softly but felt that her voice had been drowned out by the general noise of the cavernous warehouse around them. The shuffling of feet, the shifting of trolleys and the general cacophony of conversations taking place around them melding together to create a din of echoes. Everything sounded the same and everyone looked the same, they all had the same expression of fatigue and disinterest pasted onto their faces.

Sarah felt that being at the supermarket without any intent of buying anything was an anathema. She felt exposed and out of place but this was her first opportunity to speak to Helen in what felt like an age. She continued to shuffle behind Helen like a child who had been advised to stay close with no further instructions on what to do.

You are a strong vibrant woman. A smile goes a long way. Always remember to eat your vegetables.

Sarah shook her head. Her platitudes were losing their effectiveness. Action was required.
"Did she ever tell you about losing a load of money?" Sarah asked tentatively.
When Donovan had told her about the 'ghost' Sarah had been confused. It had happened 'before her time'. Imagining a world in which her 'associate' existed without a connection to Sarah and Helen and the business they had created together unsettled her Sarah. But then again, had this been before Helen? How did this fit into what Sarah's understanding? The curiosity Sarah felt was unnerving but insatiable.

"Money, yes." Helen mumbled, "If they try and give you a cheque again tell them to fuck off back to the stone age. I mean seriously."
Helen looked intently at the large signs dangling from the ceiling denoting the aisle numbers and their contents in brief lists. She seemed to have stopped putting things in her trolley and was looking for one specific thing. She she seemed to think whatever it was could be divined from looking up to the heavens.

Sarah recalled her mother used to take her to do the food shop and let her sit in the trolley with the shopping list. They would always arrive twenty minutes before closing and they would race around the aisles with ruthless efficiency. The first port of call was picking up the fruit and veg which were due to be thrown out and had been reduced in price at the end of the day. The baker's section and the fresh meat would have similar offers but the meat was a especially rare. It was a great day if her mum to could get away with a whole cooked chicken for half the original price. Then there were designated shelves in hidden corners of the shop which had an unorganised mound of reduced items with bright stickers attached to them.

Sarah spent her adult life feeling incredibly guilty if she bought anything, food, clothes or basic amenities, at full price. It was a pang in her stomach and the image of her mother looking disappointed in her.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be. The greatest wealth is to live content with little. 

"This is clearly a bad time." Sarah said as Helen barely even looked at the dairy aisle as she raced along it.
"For fucksake Sarah!" Helen skidded to a halt and turned to look at the younger woman. "Glyn usually does this and he's not here. I need to fucking do this and I have no clue what I am doing here. I used to know how do these things..." Helen exhaled through her teeth loudly.
"What happened to Glyn?" Sarah asked, she couldn't hide her shock.

Helen and Glyn had been married for four years and seemed so solid and happy. He had been a father to Helen's two little girls from her first marriage and they had a baby together. He had supported Helen in her career and been a pillar of strength for her. From the outside looking in they were a perfect family. If something had happened to Glyn Helen's whole world would fall apart. Sarah felt an ache of pain at the prospect. Glyn was the nicest person in the world, a primary school teacher with kind eyes and a penchant from woollen jumpers.

Helen kicked the trolley, her knuckles were white from gripping the handlebar. Her teeth were clenched and her eyes were squeezed shut.
"Come on." Sarah placed her hand on Helen's arm, the tension dissolved as she was led away. The trolley was abandoned, it had a cucumber and a pineapple lolling in the bottom of it.

They sat together in the front seat of Helen's car.
"He found out." Helen said.
Sarah jolted with fear, she could feel her skin prickle and a sharp throbbing erupt within her skull.

The ground hasn't swallowed you whole. You still have all of your limbs and faculties. Sunsets are still pretty.

"He found out about the affair." Helen said solemnly.
"Oh no..." Sarah could barely muster the creativity to mask her relief. She reached out to take Helen's hand as it rested near the gear-stick but Helen snatched it away.

"He hasn't left he's just..." Helen's eyes were leaking with an uncontrollable flow of tears, she was breathing heavily and staring straight ahead. "He's just doing this to me. Some kind of protest. He's not doing the housework, or the cooking or the fucking shopping and I have to and I... I can't do this!"

Sarah made a reassuring hushing noise trying to diffuse the situation without saying any actual words. Helen was bristling and making guttural noises as she continued to leak from her eyes. Sarah fumbled with the glove compartment trying to find something to staunch the flow.

"How did this fucking happen?" Helen cried furiously. "Why is he doing this to me?"
Sarah felt that the obvious answers were better left unsaid. In fact answers were not what Helen needed right now, at least not the ones that Sarah could not provide.

Success struck as Sarah's purse produced a bundle of napkins. She had stolen them from a fast food place she had eaten at a few days previously. It was force of habit to help herself to a wedge of napkins and use them at home when she inevitably ordered takeaway or in place of kitchen towels. They were made of flimsy cheap paper but Helen took them with an appreciative grunt.

It was Helen's car so she was sitting in the driver's seat. Sarah didn't know how to drive but she felt that she should at least offer. Helen was in no fit state to drive herself home. Then again the older woman might feel compelled to go and have another go at her shopping expedition.

"Here's an idea." Sarah said trying her best not to sound too bright, "Let's get you home. We can put the kettle on and we'll write a shopping list. The kids will come home from the grandparents and I can watch them and then maybe we can try again later."
Helen's head collided with the steering wheel and the car let out an embarrassed wail. Sarah wasn't sure what to do, her hand patted the back of Helen's head of ruby red hair in a 'there, there' motion.