Life of Pi

Here's a film I should be able to get my teeth into, it's film about a question of faith, it's a parable about choice. It's based on the book written by Yann Martell. I have the book on my shelf, I'm more eager than ever to read it but I keep getting distracted. I've seen a few films now where the book is on my shelf gathering dust, I will get round to reading it, honest! Reading is just something I never find the time to sit down and do. When I do have the time I'll read obsessively for a week or so then stop until I find time again, it's cyclical. Another cyclical thing in my life would be attitude to faith, it's probably a good place to start, this will be self-indulgence, skip ahead by all means.

Born and raised a Roman Catholic, went to secondary school built around a convent, taught by a selection of nuns and teachers, had a headmistress in a habit and used to read from the Bible to us, had to start every lesson with the 'Hail Mary' and went to church every Sunday. When you're a child you don't question things like religion as you never realise it's a choice until a drunken uncle points it out to you, being indoctrinated as I was, I never stopped to think that at some point in the past a bunch of bearded men wrote the Bible as a story, in fact a whole massive mess of them wrote a bunch of books decades/centuries apart and at some point certain bits were selected and meshed together to make the Bible. It never occurred to me that it was a story, when I hurtled through my teen years it became something I began to read about and learn about it. It was after my grandmother died I went through a 'crisis of faith', it's something that seemed really significant, I'd lost God, God had abandoned me in my time of need, that feeling of certainty had been rocked*. Anyways, this went on for a few years and I started reading when I went through a period of not having any friends... I really loved the mythology of angels for the longest time. Getting to the point, it became apparent that faith is a decision, it's not something that can be forced, it's not something you are born with, it's just something you have to figure out on your own. I know, I know faith is different to religion, but it's still a choice. Most people don't even do that nowadays, they just disregard it as archaic and ephemeral aspect of life, science has plugged a lot of gaps in our knowledge which religion used to fill and the universe has been explained to us, the human body has been explained to us and the whole of creation has a history now that has nothing to do with the divine. As ever there are things science can't answer, so we still cling to those unsolved riddles of existence by acknowledging religion but at the end of the day most can do without.

I came to my own decision, made my own story. I decided that something close to God did exist, long ago, He gave us that spark of conciousness, that wisp of a soul, the trick of science which lead us to feel alone in this giant universe. That, to me, it the work of God, and God gave us that, he gave us life and the ability to think and feel, but that took the whole of His power and now he's asleep, or he died giving us that, whatever, he's not here, he's not watching over us, he can't be. That's my belief, it's not something I want to debate, it just is what it is. I believe in religion to a degree, Catholicism, for all it's faults still excites some degree of religious fervour in me, but deep down I believe that whatever higher power brought us to this point is no longer watching over us, or hasn't for along time. That's my choice.

Which brings us to Life of Pi, the entire point of the film, or at least the message the film is giving us, is that religion/faith is a choice. The film presents you with a choice at the end and it's up to you to decide what you believe, that in itself is profound. My partner mentioned that I usually walk out of a film blabbering on and on, especially if I liked it, but this time, today, I was quite quiet. The question of religion always brings out a different side to me, I get really quite emotional about it, I get emotional about a lot of things but this is an untapped well. People don't really talk about faith or religion in the day to day. But the film is worth seeing not only because it asks you an intriguing question, not one oft asked in the cinema during this festive period, but because it's a visual masterpiece. It doesn't matter what your reason is behind your answer to the question posed, it just matters that the film made you consider it, and that's significant I think.

If someone asked me whether or not to see Life of Pi, I would demand they immediately went and saw it because nothing will quite take your breath away quite like this film. It's literally stunning, all the adverts keep showing is that damn whale throwing itself through the sky but the quieter less ostentatious moments really shone in this film. It's just visually amazing to see, the whole film gleamed like a big shiny bauble full of colour and excitement. There wasn't a point where I felt bored and uninterested, I was rapt throughout, perhaps my attention span is getting better these days. Did I mention what it was about? Oh damnit... Let's get to that very quickly then so I can ramble more about it.

A man is recounting his past to Rafe Spall (he's been getting a lot of big movie roles lately, I can count off seeing him in the cinema 3 times now!) The story goes he basically, boy named Pi, moves from India on Japanese boat to Canada with zoo animals aboard and family. Boat sinks, boy has to survive on lifeboat with coyote, orang-utan, a zebra with a broken leg and a Bengal tiger, the story goes that it's the boy and tiger stranded in the ocean on a lifeboat, alone together in the end. Obviously he survives to tell the tale, but there are two versions of the tale. The other involves human survivors from the ship sharing the life boat and it ending with the boy and alone. Clearly there are some deaths along the way. Sounds pretty boring but the visuals are stunning and the interactions with the tiger are just perfectly on the margin of believable and heart breaking. Did I mention it was a beautiful film? Reflections play a massive part in the film. Pi's father told him that animals don't feel the same as us, it's our emotions reflected in their eyes, throughout the film there are brief moments where the sea is completely calm and still and it's all endless sea or stars. Pi has a lot of time to reflect as he does battle with the elements and himself and mostly the tiger to survive, that's what the film essentially is, a reflection on life. An exciting beautiful reflection, or at least that's how I'm describing it, I'm being broad and nice about it.

The integral part of the film is, that without Richard Parker** he would not have survived. It's up to you if the boy needed a tiger to survive or his own strength of will? Or if he imagined the tale about the tiger to protect himself from the truth, he was alone with only his strength and mind. In my mind, I can't believe he would have survived alone, what's most important is not losing hope and the tiger being there was hope, at least that's what I thought. Loneliness can kill, and the will to survive was because he had Richard Parker's company to keep him going. So that's my small theory on it.


This is a film which made me relieved, relief that I fervently wanted to believe more than anything that the Tiger had existed, that such things are possible. Go figure, I felt something, faith, it was a warm feeling. That's what I took from it, I would want more people to do the same and take from it something, anything, because I reckon it's a film that'll stay with you, as it will me.

*I always prayed when I need help and this time it didn't help. It just made me feel alone.
**The Tiger's name, a name synonymous with ship wrecks in 19th Century it would seem.

Listing

So I figured if I could list my top ten Community episodes, and I do spend a fair bit of time criticising films on this blog, I should list my favourite films. The list is in a constant flux, it's not so much something that I rank as much as there is a list and the number one constantly changes. It used to be the same as my favourite Final Fantasy, it would change each time I played any game, I would fall in love all over again and depending on which game I was in the middle of playing, that would be my favourite. Just to clarify over the years it has become abundantly apparent that the ninth instalment of Final Fantasy is by far my favourite, I know that game more intimately than anything I've ever experienced. So with my favourite film it largely depends on which I've watched most recently as to which would be my favourite overall, my number one, the one I would tell people if a quick-fire conversation resulted in a favourite film question.

I've noticed whilst compiling this list, there are a few outliers but overall I would say I'm a quirky romance fan, not a rom-com fan, there has to be a bit more to the film, I'm relieved to find I'm a romantic at heart. Sometimes I surprise even myself so hey I have learnt something today as well, sharing is caring I've been told. Also my old chum Charlie Kaufman seems to feature heavily in the list, let's give the man a hand, he really does write films in a unique and mind bending way and his best works are when he teams up with a visually creative director, I give you Spike Jonze and Michel Gondry, combined they make amazing movies well worth compulsory viewing for all film fans. Unfortunately Kaufman's solo project 'Synechdoche New York' was something I took my, then relatively new, boyfriend to see and we both spent the hours during and after scratching our heads. It was more an ideas film and, as most films I love do, it took itself far too seriously and it's message was somewhat lost on me. The events that took place required more suspension of disbelief than I was willing to allow, it was all just too bizarre, too unrealistic, too alien a concept for me. Perhaps I'll watch it again some day but at the time I was sorely disappointed with the wasted Catherine Keener and I spent most of the film imagining turning Philip Seymour Hoffman into a human pin cushion, that was possibly the only satisfying aspect of watching it...So needless to say, that won't feature in my list, someday I might realise it's genius but for now I'm happy to acknowledge it as something I quite simply did not get.

So this took a lot longer to write than I anticipated, it's been about two weeks since I started writing it and the list has gone through numerous iterations, these are the ones I've settled on. Obviously looking through there was more to said for some than others but they all stand to be named my favourite films; it's gotten to the point now where I've given up editing and deleting certain statements and tinkering with my opinions... I've never had such an instance where I've written so many compliments, so many superlatives, so much love in one go, quite a new experience for me. It's been harder work than I expected, it's rare that I list things as I see it as a waste of time but knowing what my favourite films are and acknowledging my unbridled affection for them has been quite enjoyable. Go figure, I might do more lists in the future. Oh and I didn't number them, there is no order here, just chaotic cinematic enjoyment.

Being John Malkovich

So this was a film I inadvertently watched one night whilst channel surfing and landed upon some guy getting punched in the face for enacting a lewd puppet show in the street. It was odd but for some reason, perhaps my sleep deprived reasoning, I thought it looked like a fun film. So I continued and discovered that the odd puppet scene wasn't the most bizarre thing that happened in this film, as soon as Octavia Spencer helped pry open the lift on floor 7 1/2 the film continued to get better and better. God, do you ever wish you could watch your favourite film for the first time again? This is a film which constantly surprised, amused and entertained and I only wish I could have the pleasure of being surprised again, literally it's something that rarely happens in films, there is always a logic, a well versed sequence of events, this film just does whatever the hell it wants and doesn't need anything more than your rapt attention.The unsurpassed Catherine Keener, the uglied Cameron Diaz, John Fucking Malkovich! All providing roles which were different and yet still entertaining, it must have taken me about half an hour to realise that frizzy haired girl was Cameron Diaz, the days when she was young and effortlessly beautiful... So long ago... This was also Spike Jonze directorial debut having mainly specialised in awesome music videos before this, the screenplay was my bud Charlie Kaufman, together they made a visually mind-bending amazing piece of cinema. As I mentioned previously, for Kaufman's ideas to translate to screen successfully he needs a director with visual flair and an uninhibited imagination, it's not quite the dizzying heights of Michel Gondry but there is a fun and entertaining way Jonze uses the camera to convey certain scenes. It never ceases to entertain me in it's audacious insanity and just how much fun a film can be when its clawing around under your skin and taking over your soul. Kaufman as always takes the opportunity to plumb some deep and philosophical questions, the reality of self, the possibility of a soul, the quest for immortality and wraps it around the profession of a puppeteer. There's a bit of food for thought there, but the characters, and you the viewer, are too busy being dragged along by the events to pause to think until the last scene when you suddenly stop and think. The end always gives me chills, I love a pessimistic ending, even if this one is disturbing for so many reasons.

Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind

This battles for the number one spot in my heart, in fact this is the film I would respond with as my favourite film ever over and over again. It used to be a battle between that and Lost in Translation, this one won out more times that not due to time shading my opinions on the components of Translation, Bill Murray kept it near the top though. More about this film, this is essentially Charlie Kaufman writing a romance film, it's heartbreakingly realistic and yet somewhat fairytale in the fact that the core premise of the film is two lovers go to and have their memories erased of one another, but in true fairy tale fashion they realise that even though their relationship decayed, as many do, they still love one another deep down and find themselves being tugged back together unconsciously. They aren't perfect but they make each other so happy and that happiness and love is worth the decay and disappointment that comes with a long term relationship, it's worth it because there is a deep connection, an understanding and sometimes a lack of, over time this leads to resentment but when it's good, it was amazing. It's love. I can't describe enough how much I adore this film from the soundtrack to the cinematography (and godamnit I hate that word...) to the small minute details that make watching it over and over again so satisfying. We can thank Michel Gondry for the visual quirks of the film which make it so beautiful, this is my favourite Kaufman film because of it's beating heart but it wouldn't be anywhere near as touching if it wasn't for the wordless visual notes throughout. It's quite a sight to behold to watch memories as they decay, and of course when desperation leads Joel trying to salvage his love for Clementine by searching his own mind looking for inventive places to hide her, to keep her. It's a beautiful breathtaking film and the sentiment is so heartbreakingly true. This can all be put down the imaginative and always inventive directing of Michel Gondry, this man is officially one of the most creative beings in film in this day and age, he has such an unsurpassed visual flair, it's pared down in this particular outing but it works to great effect with Kaufman's screenplay, the story itself is steeped in true sentiment whereas visually it's fun and a bit bizarre at times but never too outrageous (although it can be weird there is a logic to it...) where the film lacks in humour it more than makes up for in what it shows you. Michel Gondry excels at bizarre yet memorable imagery and with the beating heart of the film making you feel something it's unique that the visuals also manage to create an indelible impression. It's such a good film even the periphery players get something to do, Kirsten Dunst and Mark Ruffalo have a bit of fun, Elijah Wood playing a suitably creepy pathetic character and Tom Wilkinson doing us all a favour and being fantastic as always. Let's not forget the leads, Kate Winslet in my favourite role of hers to date, she was Oscar Nommed for this and didn't win, a travesty and the only serious Jim Carey role in which he really shone and behaved like a believable human being, there are still some uniquely Jim Carrey moments no other actor could pull off but he is just so different, so vulnerable, so human. I could spend all day gushing about this film so I won't. It's perfection and it's deep down in my heart of hearts, my favourite film. But shhh...

Casino Royale

So, this blog is fully aware of my love of Mr James Bond. In many years to come my perceptions of the Bond films might change, Skyfall was an incredible film by any standard but it has come to Casino Royale to be placed in my favourite film list. I could watch this over and over and still be entertained. Perhaps it's the beguiling Eva Green and her bewitching eyes, perhaps it's the whole fun of watching a poker game among the most rich and powerful cartoonish men in the world, perhaps it's seeing Bond as a brash start out bulldozing his way through, perhaps it's the finale taking place in Venice the most beautiful city I have ever had the joy of visiting and rambling through, so many reasons... It did what it set out to do, it created a new legacy, a new start, and introduced a new Bond, the unsurpassable Daniel Craig. Those chipped ice blue eyes, that manly physique, the fact that he can wear a dinner jacket and look so incredibly dashing but also be rough and ready for an action sequence. Bah. I could spend forever ranting about why I love this film, it's a thrill ride of excitement and it's awesome, I could watch it repeatedly, forever. It doesn't need much more said to be honest, if you've ever seen it you know why it not only makes for an excellent Bond film but also a brilliant action film.

Fight Club

When I was but a teenager, an angry, not quite rebellious soul... Well at some point around when I turned 13 I thought I discovered an author called Chuck Palahniuk, the thing is I actually thought I had discovered him, like before that moment in time no one else had heard of him... Although the book shop was selling his books and this was in 2003, Fight Club had already been written, filmed and already made a modest return in the cinema although not being quite as successful as 20th Century Fox would have liked... Then becoming a cult classic on VHS/DVD... Where was I? Oh right, so I quite avidly read all of Palahniuk's bibliography up to that point obsessively, Invisible Monsters and Diary are by far my favourite of his but Fight Club was the one translated into a cinematic masterpiece. I'll grudgingly thank David Fincher for that, I never forgave him for the bloated and frankly awful Benjamin Button, but here he excels at creating a coherent and enjoyable adaptation of Palahniuk's book somehow making it even better than the book; now I must say the book has it's merits but it's very rare I find a film adaptation on a par or better than the original text, this one takes the cake. No lies. What more can I say about the film that hasn't already been said to someone trying to get you to watch this film? It has Brad Pitt in it, back when he was a beautiful sculpture of man, not some bearded self-important ponce. I also actually liked Edward Norton in it, you know before he became an old self-important ponce. Why is this film great? Because it has a distinct vibe, a feeling of disillusionment, a desire to break the norm of the disappointing hum-drum day to day, to feel something more, to be something more than what you have come to expect. It's all of course from a masculine view point and this is where the film takes itself far too seriously. We are lead to believe that the disillusioned are being led by a criminally insane schizophrenic mastermind and the film consistently tries to ensure us that this could be possible. It's not, it's hilarious nonsense but the fact that it takes itself so achingly seriously is amusing in itself, it has time to laugh a little but not enough, so I find myself laughing at Tyler Durden pontificating and the reality of Brad Pitt being the exact thing Durden is railing against. The inclusion of the unhinged Marla Singer, played to perfection by Helena Bonham Carter, somewhat gives us a reprieve, there are women damaged enough in the world to fall for those insane lunatics roaming around too, watching her performance is heartbreaking as she tries to grapple with the man she seems to care about somewhat and lets trample all over her, and yet the film plumbs humour from her confusion. It's all so gleefully ridiculous and most importantly immoral! Hence why it's fun... The best part of the film is the translation the fact that Palahniuk himself admitted he only decided midway through the book to have the two characters be one person means the suspension of disbelief is even harder to grasp, the film visually tries to ensure the twist isn't quite as baffling and as hard to believe when it is finally revealed. Palahniuk himself believes the end of the film surpasses that of his book, with the Pixies singing Where is My Mind, it is, plus it's much more fun.

Lost in Translation

Ah... Sofia Coppola*, daughter of Francis Ford Coppola, progeny of one of the most influential families in Hollywood, no surprises she chose this as her profession. Of course having film coursing through your genes doesn't necessarily make you talented, you need a lot of things to craft a good film, a film that will inspire, that will be cherished and loved. There are several reasons this film is a head and shoulders above the rest of Sofia Coppola's filmography, it has a personal connection**, it has heart, it takes place in Japan, predominantly Tokyo which is stunning, the soundtrack is impeccably chosen, and most importantly, crucially, unforgettably, it has Bill Murray, my man. I know I spent a long time ranting about the brilliant Sam Rockwell but there isn't an actor out there that I have the same affection for as I do Bill Murray, the man is a legend. He is perfection, he is ... I'll be gushing if I continue, you can't understand how much I love the man, it's a personal thing, butt out. It took a long time to realise this but I realised what Sofia Coppola's other films were missing: Charisma. Luckily Bill Murray has that in spades, he also has unsurpassed acting skill. The film is minimalist in the fact that there is barely any story, it's just two people bumping into one another in a Tokyo hotel and gradually making a connection through their shared loneliness and disconnection. It trundles along at a leisurely pace and the thing that keeps your attention that grows and develops is the relationship between Bob and Charlotte, Charlotte being played by Scarlet Johansson. Everything about this film is understated, the performances, the direction, the music, the story, it's a subtle piece of cinema and it's just beautiful. The best thing is watching Bill Murray propel the film with his wearied expression, his lost eyes, his warmth and charisma... And without fail I will be reduced to tears at the end of this film, every time, it's the only film I will ever cry at the end. The tears aren't sad, they are happy, tears of understanding, because you don't want something so comforting, so beautiful to end, similar to the protagonists perhaps. Jesus and the Mary Chain kicks in with Just Like Honey, I'm a blubbering mess, it's one of my favourite films because I feel something.

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Ah hello Charlie Kaufman, my old bud. I may have mentioned it previously, Kaufman will forever hate this movie because Clooney essentially ruined it. Well, he changed it, significantly, I'm not going to complain, it was a great film, a largely ignored one, but a film I adore, it has the Kaufman flair, but it also has a visual assuredness, essential when translating a Kaufman screenplay to the big screen. Clooney's directorial debut, his best outing as a director I believe, mainly because he's not a massive integral piece of any part of the film, it would fall apart without Kaufman's screenplay and Rockwell's performance, I believe. Goodnight and Good Luck would follow which was a very impressive take on Edward R Murrow's attack against Senator McCarthy in the 50s, ah them were the days, and that was a good film, then it all went downhill, Leatherheads was rubbish and Ides of March painfully unimpressive and somewhat angering in it's standpoint, my feminist fury flaired watching that film. Luckily in Confessions he gets so many things right. It's stylistic, it's audacious, it's unbelievable, it's hilarious and ridiculous but it takes itself soooo seriously. The whole thing is one long deadpan joke, the humour comes from the fact that it is trying to make you believe it is telling a true story. I'm a massive fan of the 60s/70s, it was such a tumultuous period and this encapsulates the insanity going on at the time. A basic explanation, I'll try and give the film a running start to entice people to watch it. Chuck Barris, an idiot born in the 50s falls into the decades of opportunity and tries to forge a career in television mainly because he figures that will get him laid, this is his sole purpose for the first segment of his existence. He comes up with an idea for a dating show, it's Blind Date, three prospective partners behind a screen, a contestant asks them questions then chooses one to go on a date with all without seeing their face. Man wasn't that a good show? I miss Cilla Black... Anyhoo it doesn't get picked up straight away, there are set backs, he meets George Clooney who then has him trained as an assassin/secret spy... He gets the show produced finally and hey presto he's living a double life with Drew Barrymore being his lover throughout. The twist is when the show gets picked up they have to give it a more exciting prize, they send the couples on holidays, and Chuck gets the joy of chaperoning them and of course committing some murders for the US government while he's abroad; perfect alibi, hilarious even! Anyways he continues to make television and his secret agent life unravels as it turns out there's a mole. Did I mention Chuck Barris is a real person who claims this is actually what happened to him? Of course it's beyond far fetched, but it's so deliciously over the top, so beyond stupid, so stylishly done, it's just brilliant to watch! Anyways, I can't say much more so I'll leave it at that, it's such a good film though! And one of my least successful, shame!

Science of Sleep

Now here is another romance film, this time by Michel Gondry, what a surprise! Not quite as fully realised as Charlie Kaufman's outing, but this is a more personal affair for the director. It's a bilingual film too which can be disorientating but Gondry himself is French, I say it's personal because it's more interested in a fatally flawed main character who can't discern reality from dream and who's imagination is a bizarre and intensely creative place. Unfortunately for Gael Garcia Bernal (playing the lead character Stephane) it causes trouble for his burgeoning relationship with Indie cinema darling Charlotte Gainsbourg (she's called Stephanie, coincidence, no?) There isn't a plot so much as Stephane hurtling through a brief stint as a calendar constructor (or something... I haven't watched the film in a long time, so sue me, it's still a favourite of mine) and trying to flirt with his neighbour in the adjoining flat. He is dangerously creative and magical but also paranoid, lost, lonely and a sensitive soul. It's all you could want from a Gondry film, defiantly whimsical and creative and painfully cruel. Stephane can't seem to discern reality from his dreams and bulldozes through the film, all you want if for him and Stephanie to see each other, you just want them to be happy, but the painful reality is that perhaps Stephane can't be happy or satisfied, even in his dreams, it's a shame but it's a truth, it's a possibility, it's an interpretation, it's a film about dreams and life. This is a film that needs to be seen rather than explained I'm afraid, so hop to it.***

Eagle VS Shark

Another not so successful film! To be fair it's from New Zealand, Taiki Waititi is the director writer of this film, I've mentioned him on here previously, I have a bottomless fondness for the man, I have yet to see his most recent film 'Boy' but literally am itching to see it, it's the highest grossing film in New Zealand ever, or something to that effect. Anyways he's hopped over to the US and has recently been directing the US Inbetweeners, horrifically bad translation but we've all got to start somewhere! Plus his signature affection for the oddballs of the world permeate through, as well as his warm unique sense of humour, you know, when the jokes aren't being ripped from the British original... Anyways, to give this film an explanation, it's been frequently compared to Napoleon Dynamite for it's humour because it has a bizarre family, awkward conversations and a story which is practically the most pointless/mundane life thing ever. To compare it to Napoleon Dynamite does this film a massive disservice, this film is fucking amazing and I won't have it tarnished by having it even compared to that American garbage. Ok, I'm exaggerating, Napoleon Dynamite is stupid, Eagle VS Shark has layers, layers of emotion, there is a respect for the characters throughout, sure they are stupid, but their feelings are acknowledged and we are shown some growth through the progress of the film. Of course I have watched this film about 15 times so I know the script and the beats inside and out, but the fact is, I know and care about the characters, this is the closest I get to watching a rom-com when I want to sit with some ice cream, wrapped up in a blanket with the lights low, this is my relaxing need a cheer up film. It's so close to life, but there is a happy whimsical layer over the pains and realities of existence, doesn't stop the fact that these people are dealing with some pretty hard shit, but they all choose to battle on through life without any explanation and yet you can understand their actions. Did I mention this was a stupid film? In fact if anyone watched it they'd think it was weird and pointless and most importantly soooo awkward, but I seriously love this film. The main pair are played by Jarrod (Jemaine Clement of Flight of the Conchords fame - awesome show!!!) and Lily (Loren Horsley - hilariously enough Taika Waititi's wife.) It's fun because Taika Waititi and Jemaine used to be a comedy duo together and are close friends, and of course there is the scene where Jemaine gets to make out with his best friend's wife in front of him, the scene itself is fist bitingly awkward but it's even moreso when you think about the real life implications. Oh and the romance? It's about accepting someone for their flaws, loving someone unconditionally even though they are a jackass, because when you love someone you love everything about them and accept them for who they are, which is something Lily does for Jarrod, she loves him for him. He of course doesn't really realise this but that's because he's a bit of an ignorant tool, but he also develops feelings for her even if he doesn't quite notice until it's almost too late, what's important is that it isn't, and they get together and love each other regardless. It's an imperfect little love story about imperfect people living boring lives, but it literally never fails to put a smile on my face. Why? Because being loved by someone is awesome!****

Wall.E.

Another film about love, because I'm a big softie at heart, except this one is about robots! And a bunch of other stuff, namely the future! Most importantly though, it's a love story! I really don't think there is much to say about Wall.E. that hasn't already been said... I fear I'm being painfully obvious by sticking it on my list... To be honest I couldn't give a stuff. Pixar haven't quite recovered from the impressive one, two punch of Wall.E. and Up, but if this is their best then god help me, I can live quite happily knowing this was created. It's a great film, I could watch Wall.E. and EVE roam around bouncing off one another in endless space until I died, it would be satisfying way to go. To be fair it's the first 40 minutes of the film which put it in my top 10 list, the fact that there is next to no dialogue and we are essentially watching robots wordlessly interact and roam about a wasteland whilst still being undeniably entertained is just mind-boggling and brilliant! Plus the inclusion of the Hello Dolly soundtrack is fun yet apt for the film, it goes as far as cementing Wall.E. as an old style traditional chum slash robot. Funny fact, I honestly thought he might not make it at the end, you know in the cinema, I actually cried, not something I do in the cinema, I actually wailed, 'NOOO WALL.E!!!' Jokes... I'm not that lame... Or am I?

Donnie Darko

Aha! Bet you didn't see this one coming! It was either this or Moon and with a tear in my eye and hint of regret in my heart, this one won out. Richard Kelly would go on to prove that less is more with the frankly baffling and pointless Director's Cut, and of course ruin his reputation with the unfathomably bad Southland Tales, but when I watched Donnie Darko for the first time I honestly thought it was the best film I'd ever seen. I was 14 and it was £3 in a music shop, it was cheaper than a CD and I figured I wouldn't be allowed to buy it being under the restricted age of 15. Luckily I wasn't asked for proof of my age and I watched this film with the honest opinion it was a teen comedy. Oh good god how wrong I was, but the first half hour had me honestly in stitches, if your expectations for this film are nil, then this film is possibly the weirdest most hilarious thing you will ever see. If you find such things as men in bunny suits predicting the end of the world somewhat humorous? You don't? My mind is clearly diseased. Well it was a good day for me, finding this film and then proceeding to insist every person I knew watched it so we could all dissect how truly awesome it actually was. Sure there is some weird wormhole-speak, and the time travel aspects are pretty damn bizarre, but the teen angst, the insane Jake Gyllenhaal, the fact you can watch it again and again and notice tiny minute details which seem completely significant to the purpose of the plot as Donnie Darko hurtles towards his own personal apocalypse make it strangely satisfying film. Of course don't watch the Director's Cut, it begins to de-construct the mystery of the plot by trying to explain itself further and just not making much sense, did I mention less is more? I've never been more impressed by the editing of a film, in fact this film makes it into this list simply by being the best edited film, an award will be sent in the post. The mood of the film, the whole 80s vibe, the fact that it's all so surreal and so twisted just make it so much fun. Trust me, it's just a film worth seeing, there was a point where everyone in my year at school asked 'Have you seen Donnie Darko?' And I would tell them of course, 'I watched it first fools!' No one ever believed me though...

*Married to Spike Jonze who joins her on my list, coincidence, no?  Unfortunately they divorced in 2003 and she would later marry Thomas Mars from the band Phoenix who feature heavily in her soundtracks. She is embroiled in films this woman. 

** I'm making this a footnote for no reason at all but it's based on her father adverstising something in a foreign country, my brain has blanked, I think it was in Japan and it was a whiskey too... Damn my brain.

***To believe is to see, so see this, the Trailer is the best way to explain and to see.

**** I Love You, Awesome - The Phoenix Foundation, Eagle VS Shark OST. Just because.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Now here is something that surprised me, despite everyone's grumbling across the world over, I actually liked this film. Trust me, no one was more surprised than me. Overall, I could full accept that it was going to be a trilogy, I acknowledged that it was going to be stretched out to ridiculous degrees, therefore there would be a lot of padding. Fine, I expected this. To be completely honest it didn't matter to me when it became apparent there was going to be three films, it seems quite bizarre given the length of The Hobbit, making a trilogy in comparison to turning three books into three films. But hey, why not? It's happening! Which also brings us to another known blatant problem; it's a children's book, this differs massively in tone to Lord of the Rings. So the tone is a bit more light hearted, there are thirteen dwarves roaming around with a mad old wizard and the titular hobbit, sure there is a mission at hand, it's pretty high stakes for the dwarves, but it's painfully obvious that the film is stretching out their adventure to the nth degree and make it somewhat perilous. Peter Jackson is trying to make it an epic (god that word is far too overused in cinema lately...) adventure for the masses, but to be perfectly honest it's going to be more fun this time round, at least it felt like that. There are subplots and allusions to the future trilogy, there is even a song, and a lot of trotting about, oh and ponies!

But to be perfectly honest, I wasn't bothered that they felt the need to drag everything out, it was still enjoyable. I can't be more plain than that, I was happy to watch the adventure take place before me. Of course the amount of peril you can put your merry band of dwarves in is immediately hampered by the fact that you know, as far as children's stories go, they will all get to the end and face the dragon two movies later. It's a blatant fact in Hollywood films you need your lead characters to get to the end unscathed so they'll survive ridiculous odds and situations over and over, usually that would irritate the hell out of me, for example in Prometheus, that irritated the hell out of me, well... the whole film irritated me. This time it didn't bother me, at all! I was just enjoying the adventure.

There is quite a simple fact that kept me from losing interest in this film. Ian McKellen. I could happily watch three hours of that man eating crumpets in an armchair and talking about the weather, in fact that would be an awesome film... At school the teacher had a tape of Ian McKellen reading Coleridge's The Rime of the Ancyent Marinere, it was a great poem but my god hearing that man's voice made the whole thing just click in my brain so much better, his voice is entrancing... Gandalf the Grey is one of his best roles, in my mind's eye I can't see any other face as him, he embodies the role so well, it's just satisfying to see a great actor work his magic.

Martin Freeman worked brilliantly as Bilbo Baggins, once again he was pretty much acting a role he was very much comfortable in and it showed. Then there was the whole dwarf crew, there was a the King Dwarf, Thorin, there was the old wizened dwarf who was his right hand man, there was James Nesbitt, 'Fili and Kili', one of them was very attractive is all I can remember, the big scary bald one... Then the rest kind of merge into an amalgamation odd beards and hairstyles. Then the returning cast, Hugo Weaving playing a happy to help Elrond, Cate Blanchett reappears as the mystical Galadriel, then Christopher Lee is carted out as Saruman. Let's be completely honest, their scenes were a little bit superfluous but it was nice to see them all bouncing off each other. Christopher Lee, is pretty old now, he could barely stand when they gave him his lifetime achievement award at the BAFTAs, they even CGIed all of his wrinkles away!* The scene with Galadriel and Gandalf just reminded me how much I love watching Ian McKellen talk to anyone, do anything, stand about in a sunset... Andy Serkis also reprieved his role as Gollum in a brilliant scene between him and Bilbo. I'll never understand quite how they do it but it was so much fun, Gollum was as always dangerously insane and his game with the Hobbit even prompted a few laughs from the cinema.

Then there was the whole 48fps thing. I went to see it in 3D but I also assume it was that 48fps thing too, to be completely honest I wasn't at all bothered by it, it looked beautiful which also made the three hours somewhat worth it. The entire thing was just really wonderful to behold, a cinematic experience to say the least, sometimes the glasses irritated me, as they always do and I spent a few scenes with them dangling around my chin, but apart from that my eyes didn't melt and my brain wasn't bothered at all, I'm actually a little disappointed I can't complain more about this thing. Everyone seems so worked up about it! I noticed nothing, it was just really visually amazing and I couldn't fault it, shame.

Familiarity is something that I find quite comforting, a lot of people do, we hate change. Well I know I do... So sitting for three hours watching this film was enjoyable because I pretty much knew what was going to happen, it's blatantly obvious, Bilbo was definitely going to go on a journey with Gandalf, the thirteen dwarves were all going to be stupid and a rambling bunch, there would be a lot of trotting across various strange and wonderful landscapes, there would be some battles of some description, everyone would survive, Gandalf would be awesome. So in all nothing was surprising, but it was all still entertaining! I was entertained! It was enjoyable. Once you get over the fact that they are simply stretching out a really short story to ridiculous degrees, once your eyes adjust to the 48fps, once you accept the tone is going to be a bit of a mess, once you leave your logical thinking mind at the door and just sit and observe the film it's a good way to spend a few hours. The hours weren't wasted, it felt like a genuinely fun way to spend my precious time, and money.

'The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey' pretty much does what it set out to do, it sets up the first chapter of three, it reintroduces a bunch of old characters and gives us a multitude of fun new ones, sets up a new adventure, leaves some threads dangling for the next chapters. There are thrills and spills, there is plenty of Gandalf! Being prepared to dislike a film and then finding myself pleasantly surprised is a nice feeling and that's pretty much it. I was more than prepared to skewer this film and find reasons to complain but to be honest I didn't, I liked it, and finding things that I genuinely like is a hard task in this world.

*I know it's probably just make up, but my brain just immediately jumped to CGI when I noticed how good Christopher Lee looked. To be fair considering it's supposed to be earlier they all looked pretty good...

Seven Psychopaths

Let me start with one thing before I get into the nitty gritty of the talking about this film. I adore Sam Rockwell, he is a bloody magnificent actor. He stars in two of my top ten list films, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind (Charlie Kaufman features heavily in my favourite film list, also directed by George Clooney, no matter how angry Kaufman was with what Clooney did with the final cut, it was still an amazing film.) And Moon (Duncan Jones first feature film, stunning in so many ways.) Then there is the rest. He starred as the reliably hilarious Zaphod Beeblebrox in the newest film adaptation of The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - by no means a perfect adaptation but still lots of fun. The same can be said for his leading role in Choke, a Chuck Palahniuk adaptation which was... By all standards a fine adaptation, nowhere near perfect or even remotely entertaining; the best part was definitely Sam Rockwell, although a small shout out should go to Angelica Houston... *sigh* Not all of Palahniuk's films can be made into films by David Fincher... Life isn't that kind.* I'll forgive him for Iron Man 2 and Cowboys and Aliens which I also sat through with the simple promise of seeing him, Sam Rockwell, you make my day, you make films good, your perfect smile and infectious charisma make me thankful that there are human beings who can actually act in the world. I have never once goaded you when watching your movies, I have never once mocked your slack jawed attempts at trying to convey emotion with wide eyes and open mouth, because you have never given me reason to. You are perfection, you are fun, you are unique and impeccable I love you. Never change Sam Rockwell, keep being awesome, I'll always see your movies, because you sir, are awesome. I may be slightly inebriated whilst giving you a glowing recommendation, but when am I not on this blog?

So, I saw a film today, Seven Psychopaths, a film screenplay within a film, within someone's head, and a couple other people's version's of events. Let's just start with the glaringly obvious, it's a mixed up film. I'm once again going to fear that someone in the world will give me the old chestnut - too deep for you, but screw that. It's not a deep film if it doesn't manage to scratch the surface of anything. Speaking of Kaufman, this film seemed to be trying to evoke a kind of 'Adaptation' feeling with it's whole the making of a film within a film thing, but to be honest there is far too much else going on that the whole thing is such a disastrous mess. I have a lot more nice things to say about Sam Rockwell, I've saved all my vitriol for this film.

It's probably worth mentioning I didn't hate the film. It wasn't necessarily a bad film, it was definitely a bit of fun, forgettable fluff for the masses. Martin McDonagh's last directorial outing was 'In Bruges', it must have curried him a lot of favour as it was a well received film and a whole lot of fun. So I'll accept when the studios let him make this, and he had the likes of Woody Harrelson and Christopher Walken on board, not to mention my beloved Sam Rockwell, it was a pretty straight forward film to make. I know bad films are produced all the time, but did someone actually watch this film and think that it actually made sense? Did someone read the screenplay which intercuts screenplay ideas, dream sequences and past recollections into the mix as well as the straightforward storyline and think, yes, this is coherent. Because sitting in the cinema, on my own on the back row, with a very obnoxious couple beside me irritated that I was next to them in the corner where I presume they were hoping for some alone time, I was very distracted and uncertain what exactly what was going on. Rockwell tells a version of how he'd like the screenplay to end (it's a constant thread throughout the film, trying to write a screenplay called Seven Psychopaths.) and as much fun as it was watching the ridiculousness of it all play out, and in another greenlit action film, would probably most certainly have happened, I wondered what the bloody point was. And my god there was a lot of blood in this film. Don't get me wrong, I can grasp multiple time-lines and jumping about storylines happening out of order but this film wasn't doing something as clever, it seemed just happily content on going off on a tangent midway through several scenes, a lot of the characters would start gabbing and suddenly we're recounting something which has absolutely no relevance - I'm talking about the guy with the rabbit mainly...

Also there is the whole crux of the storyline, the film is based around Sam Rockwell and Christopher Walken stealing dogs and then returning them to reap the rewards from the relieved owners. They seemingly inadvertently steal the local psychopath's shih-tzuh and chaos ensues, although it wasn't inadvertent, Rockwell has a death wish and seems quite happy to orchestrate the seven psychopath screenplay in reality, playing the starring roles of two psychopaths and having it all kick off in the desert somewhere for absolutely no reason. The film spends half the time talking about itself too, as if the fact that it is referencing what is actually happening in the film  as it does is somewhat reverential or clever, it's not. They mention the fact that you can pretty much kill off women, do whatever you want to them, but you can't hurt the cute animals in films, and the film proceeds to treat the female characters abominably, they are barely more than one note and each barely get a scene and are barely given any dignity within the confines of their minor appearances. Why not subvert our expectations? Why not go against the grain? Why not use the female talent and prove to us that women are as good at doing more than being bitches, one note and the corpses in cinema? No? Is this the feminist part of me flaring? Most likely but that definitely itched me in the wrong place, even with Sam Rockwell's cheeky grin all over the place.

Look, I'm fine with seeing a blokey film, I've seen plenty, I've never had anything against them, and let's be honest out of the blokey films out there this one is at least trying to be something more... It's just not succeeding in being anything more than a forgettable mess in my eyes. It tried to reach for higher planes but it lost itself meandering around. The amount of deaths in the film didn't even shock me, in fact the only time I was genuinely shocked was when there was an explosion out of nowhere and it was just a car getting blown up. Nothing else evoked any kind of surprise from me.

The one scene in the film which was interesting to me, where I felt something was actually happening, something deep, something intense, was one in which barely any dialogue took place. Christopher Walken facing off with Woody Harrelson in a hospital waiting room and merely removing his cravat. Now that was worth the ticket price alone, I felt that, although there was some distracting fumbling taking place next to me.

So, to surmise, this film was a mess. I tend not write about films in a usual review manner, I just rant about them it would seem. The laughs were there, they mostly came from Sam Rockwell, also that cute dog, animal humour is such a low bearing fruit to grasp at but it works... Colin Farrell pleased me with his straight man alcoholic being propelled through the insanity, he's a bit hit and miss sometimes but in this he hit the right tone, trying to be a somewhat moral centre among psychopaths, he also emits a few laughs. I mentioned previously that Christopher Walken and Woody Harrelson had a great scene together, Woody is being exactly how I love Woody, Walken could have broken my heart in a better written film, in this he merely makes me smile sadly as the possibilities fly by. The rest? Tom Waits is a lunatic with a rabbit which to be honest the film could have jettisoned and been perfectly fine with. Then the women, Abby Cornish, Gabourey Sidibe, Olga Kurylenko? All criminally forgettable, ignore the posters/advertisements, not one of them have barely anything worth doing or saying in this film.

Overall? It's a stupid overwrought film with too much going on, and too little to care about, which to be honest is baffling considering the premise is quite simple. Idiots steal mafia bosses dog. It tries to even reach the heights of philosophical rumination when it queries heaven and hell, but you just can't take it seriously with all the carnage and idiocy taking place around it.

*Stupid film nerd thing but Clark Gregg directed/wrote the screenplay for Choke and also plays Agent Coulson in the Marvel universe films that are churned out at a regular pace. He was in Iron Man 2 which also had Sam Rockwell. *shrugs* I thought it was cool... 

Family

Funny thing happened today, well the other day. I lost my purse on a night out on the town five minutes after leaving my flat, takes great skill I know, had to cancel my cards. Had a blaring reminder I once again hadn't paid my rent on time. Rang my sister to send my new card to me as the bank still has my home address. Ended up sobbing about money - she asked me if I was ok, obviously this reduced me to a blubbering mess. Seriously, don't ever ask if I'm ok. She offered to give me money. I shouted at her until she rescinded the offer. It's what family is for, they are there to be a buffer against telling actual people your problems. As a unit my family react to problems by providing advice we ourselves don't take and waxing lyrical about the mystery of life, I wouldn't accept their help if they gave it. I would feel guilty taking from them.  Now I'm out of the house its my responsibility to take care of myself, not their's. Today I was tired from not sleeping and emotional from listening to Bob Dylan... Bad combo. Feel stupid, big surprise. This blog is getting more pointless by the day.

Inspiration

I love Bob Dylan. Not enough people appreciate him these days, especially not in my age group... Some people even go as far as asking 'Who?' when I speak of him. He was the voice of a generation, he is a mystery and a poet, and he is so many things to so many people. This is my favourite song by him, it's just a beautiful and sad. I can't serve Bob Dylan any justice with my paltry boring words...

Sob Story

I told my boyfriend I spent a lot of time crying last night, he didn't understand why, I told him it was a weird thing, sometimes it just becomes so hard to not cry so I have to let it out. It's a strange sensation, like my well hath runneth over. It's not that I'm sad about anything that I can help, sometimes it just occurs. A lot of the time it's because I've drank something with alcoholic content, most of the time... My mind goes to sad and desperate places that have no relation to my own predicament, although I'm not above feeling incredibly sorry for myself, that's quite often, I also sob about other people, and a few random things. So I compiled a short list of things that do make me cry, apart from the obvious wounds, hormones and pity parties.

Pregnant women.
Spilt milk.
Lonely people.
The smell of sea salt.
Lost in Translation - the movie, it's the only film without fail to have me a quivering wreck at the end.
Cold baths.
Age Concern - The Charity, mainly the thought that there are people it can't help, I cry thinking of them.
The north wind.
My own selfishness.
Grandma sitting in the kitchen being ignored by her husband and just withering away. I think of that frequently, it makes me hate my granddad.
Cracks in stained glass windows.
People with black eyes.
People who are intentionally cruel.
Injustice.
Eyeliner/Mascara - mostly when I jab myself in the eye, I take it horribly personally.
When people ask if I'm ok when I'm not.
Thinking about children who are alone and afraid.
Not knowing the right thing to say to someone.
Empty churches.
Getting drunk, being around people.
Crying babies.
Songs of Praise.

Oh man that was supposed to be a short list... It goes on though. Probably... It's just off the top of my head at the minute. I've noticed there are a few that remind me of home, a few that are about other people, and there are the ones that make me think of church. I know most people just disregard religion nowadays, it's superfluous, it's not necessary to modern society. It's sad to me that people can be so blasé about faith when for the longest time it was an integral part to society, for better or worse. Plus, it was the only thing that kept me going during my darker moments . Deep down there is a hope, a desire, a need to know that there is a guiding hand, a force bigger than our own, something that brought us to this point, that gave us the gift of thought. It's comforting. I always get extremely religious when someone dies, or I feel lost. I once told someone, when I gave up looking for friends I looked for God. I spent a lot of time reading books about Him, not just the Bible obviously, just books, logic, the history of Christianity, people's unwavering beliefs, it was a great comfort to me for a while. This was the same summer when I would be able to say my only friend outside of my family was an old man living in my Uncle's Bed and Breakfast, he was lonely too, I loved talking to him.

Anyways this actually brings me to my point, I cry because there are people in the world who are hurting, lost, alone, helpless, the thought of them makes me sob. The thought of people who actively do things which hurt others, who don't care that there are people in pain as long as they are happy, that makes me cry, it makes me angry that people can be cruel and selfish and can go out and intentionally do things which affect people's lives for the worse. When I'm angry I cry too. It makes me cry when I feel sorry for myself and I feel selfish because there are people who need help. I can get up and do something, I can try and fix my pathetically insignificant problems, some people just can't, they need help. I have over-active tear-ducts.

If I could protect just about anybody from the pains of loneliness and loss I would. People don't know loneliness until they feel it, they can claim it, they can talk about it, but you just don't honestly know until it consumes you completely with it's unfathomable crushing weight, I don't want anyone to feel that way, I would do anything to stop that feeling from existing in the world. I used to sit and talk to that old man at the Bed & Breakfast because he was alone, his brother died while he was there and he had no other family left, all I wanted to do was to help him. We'd talk about cathedrals, about the wars gone by, paintings, music, lots of old things, I like to think I helped him, just by listening.

The other day at the CAB a volunteer complained that a client was being incredibly rude to him, he felt it necessary to point out to them that he was in fact a volunteer, doing this work for free, giving up his free time to get shouted at by irate individuals. Sometimes the people at the CAB do get upset and wound up and emotional, but I never tell call them out for it, sometimes it's just how people cope. They have no other way to vent than to lash out, and sometimes the situation is pretty difficult and we can't help them outright, people get upset then, all I can do is apologise and in some way direct them to someone who can help. It doesn't matter if they are lashing out and being cruel, I am a mask, I don't let it get to me, well it does, sometimes I get upset but I try my hardest not to let it show; it's not their fault they are upset. I don't tell people I'm a volunteer, a lot of them assume I'm getting paid, that I'm getting something out of it, I honestly just wanted to do something worthwhile and help people. I have no reason to correct them, I'm just there to listen and to help. I volunteered for the Samaritans a while ago, I'm thinking of doing it again in the coming months given the time, they only ask for 4 hours a week which I'm sure I can fit into my schedule, it would be worth it if I could help more people. I already did the training the last time, I'm happy to do it again, it's sitting and listening to people on the phone, people who are on the brink of the worst feeling in the world. All I have to do is listen to them, care about them, and I do, I care if people are at the point of no return, I genuinely want to help them. At the end of the day people don't want to be told to just get over it, or move on, they just want someone to listen. It can be so hard when things get so bad and you have no one to listen to you, when everyone has their opinions, their own problems, it's so difficult to just make sense of things and you can get so lost and lonely. Sometimes you just need someone to just hear you, actually listen and know how hard things are, someone knowing, someone sympathising, it's amazing how hard it can be to find someone to do that sometimes; it does a world of good. I summed it up in my head into a single thought, "They don't want to be fixed, they just want to be heard."

It's funny because a lot of people don't think much of me who know me, they think I'm shallow and selfish, I tend to give off that air I think, a bit air-headed and silly, if people don't like me it's because I've done some pretty stupid shitty things. That's fine. I'm not better than anyone. They know I work at the CAB but as far as they know it's because I can and it's something to do, not because I have this crying/over-thinking problem. Just because I lie awake at night crying because I'm imagining some old lady is freezing to death in her empty cold house, that doesn't make me an entirely good person. I also worry about my life, my boyfriend, my family, money, like anyone would. I do and say stupid things, I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, I do things without thinking, but I try and make things better... They don't know who I am, they don't know me deep down, I don't want to share that part of me. The part that wants to help people is a hurt lonely person, a person who is very vulnerable and shy and doesn't get out much, she just wants to get on, she doesn't talk much but she's always there. As long as I know I'm helping someone in the world it doesn't matter, I know I'm trying and I'm doing it because I want to, not for anyone else. Everyone else can make their assumptions, they don't care much about me anyway, they can think I'm crying because I'm just a neurotic mess, to be honest they aren't far off.

Headache

So... Can't remember much of last night, it was a family gathering to celebrate my parents 25th wedding anniversary. There was a lot of alcohol... We watched the wedding video straight out of 1987... So many ghosts. It must have been a good night because there was a point where I was hugging my grandmother and we were telling each other how much we loved one another in a drunken stupor. Needless to say I've spent today wanting to throw up and cry periodically. Everyone cries at a good wedding don't they?

Revenge

Random ponderings of the massively insecure:

Feel inordinately happy. Probably shouldn't be, it's never a good thing. Discovered a person who I used to know now works at Newcastle Central Station's Starbucks Kiosk, she used to work at my favourite bar in Newcastle so I couldn't ever go there again. Now it's different, I want to go to the tiny cold kiosk and stand, I want to stand tall and ask for a cup of hot water with a tea bag and I want to look awesome. It's revenge, not the best revenge but it'll be sweet... I hope. Probably will just be awkward, or worse, she won't be working when I get off the train...

Many things I do in life are driven by the past, mostly to spite people who have wronged me, she wronged me, and now the only thing I can think to do is go and stand and stare at her unblinking. Well I would blink, otherwise that would just be creepy. Sure my life isn't perfect but I don't spend my free time in a tiny cold kiosk serving people I'd happily punch in the face. I spend that time in a restaurant, so there.

How do you like me now? Yeah bitch, how does it feel seeing me have a life after you nearly fucked it up entirely with your meaningless selfish drama? I can cause just enough drama on my own, thanks, now hand me the tea and don't pour it on my face please?

I wouldn't say all that, I wouldn't say anything, just being there would be revenge enough in my head. In the grand scheme of things I've done questionable things but I've never gone out of my way to be intentionally cruel to someone, I've always been first to forgive and forget. If the situation arises where that's impossible then you move on, but I've gone out of my way to prevent cutting people out of my life (unless they decide to do so) and I've avoided being intentionally malicious. At the end of the day all I can do when someone has wronged me is spite them by existing, by continuing to breathe and live and laugh and try, and to be honest that's the only reason I keep going some days, to prove everyone wrong. Let's be fair, these people I'm spiting don't give me a second thought, but it's a constant ongoing propelling force for me. I continue to struggle onwards to prove, to people who genuinely don't care, wrong. I never speak to them again most of the time, or see them, but I know that just continuing to struggle onwards is a slight against them, they just don't know it, or ever will, so... Yeah pointless. Speaking of pathetic, did I tell you about someone I truly loathe now working in a coffee kiosk? Well, I'm going to go stand there, exist in the space in front of her, she won't know it but it'll be the ultimate insult I can hurl at her. I really need to think of more creative ways to get back at people...

Passing

"Cheer up love, could be worse."
"Sorry?"
"Why the long face?"
"Oh nothing... my face is always like this."*
"You look like your cat died. You should try smiling more."

Everyone walks around with miserable faces, mine seems to be the one which attracts comment though. Just at the supermarket waiting in the queue, minding my own business, some old guy feels the need to pass comment. Why does everyone think I always look sad? I don't really concentrate on what my face is doing when I'm walking around. Apparently I walk like a man anyway, I stomp, I have bad posture, blah blah blah, something else I don't think about but others notice. But to cap it off I look sad all the time too. It's irritating me now, I might have stuff on my mind, I might be thinking about something endlessly happy, I also have my headphones which play my ... well it's not the happiest music, fine, but still it's mine. Just getting through the day, doesn't mean I need to constantly smile whilst outside, I do enough of it at my job and it's seemingly not enough, people notice when I'm not smiling. I almost feel happy for the first time in ages, almost content, almost relaxed, almost like I'm finally making sense of things. But my face, sour unhappy face which naturally seems to be in a perma-scowl, seems to be intent on making the world think I'm still at a point in my life where I would happily walk off a cliff. Go figure, I thought I was moving on, and not off a cliff, to better happier pastures. Perhaps I'm not fooling anyone...

*I was quoting Vivi from Final Fantasy IX. Complete accident but Eiko asks Vivi why the long face and that's his response, and that's how I responded. It's only after it happened I realised I said that, it was so fitting, if the old dude had seem my face after I'd realised that he would have seen delirious joy, shame.

Crossings

So when you're a kid your parents tell you not to cross a bridge. It's dangerous, there's a goblin under it and if you cross he'll eat you. Obviously it's so you don't go running off, logic. But as a child you don't question it, you don't assume the people you love would lie to you. How times change.

Strictly

Hey, just to throw any authority I have for taste out of the window, I love Strictly Come Dancing. I've watched it with my mum since since series 2, which is getting on quite some bloody time now... Anyways, it is such a good show and I've always preferred it to the other Saturday night juggernaut X-Factor.* Strictly Come Dancing (or Dancing with the Stars) is where a selection of celebrities dance with professional dancing champions from around the world, and basically either make prats of themselves or get better over the weeks and aim to win. There is a judging panel and their aim is to give professional constructive advice (apart from Alesha who just sat and looked pretty, thank god she's gone) and they mark the contestants out of 10 for their performances and then the public vote too and it's all halved and worked out so someone leaves every week, there's a dance off for that. So that's the gist of it, not really rocket science to be honest... But here are my favourite dances. Because instead of writing my novel (I'm about 7,000 behind target and counting, so it's going terribly.) I'm on YouTube reminiscing as I am wont to do when I should be doing something else.

Scott and Natalie - Jive

So Scott is some guy from Eastenders who, on the first ever live episode fluffed his lines in the most cringeworthy way I've ever seen. I only watched it because I was at home and my mother made me, but I literally nearly fell off my sofa feeling incredibly bad for the guy. So here he is doing some dancing. This is one of my favourite dances as it was only mid-way through the series and it just looked so damn good. Plus the song, Hit the Road Jack, a favourite of mine, so perfection. Unfortunately whatever magic dust Scott was sprinkled in on this particular night to produce such perfection swiftly faded and he never quite got it back, he actually got worse as time went on, probably because he peaked and could never quite reach the same calibre again, sad times... Plus I always had a distaste for Natalie Lowe due to her blatant relationship with Ricky Whittle (arsehole) the year before but looking back and in recent times, she is a bloody good teacher, I really do need to give her more credit.

Alesha and Matthew - Cha Cha Cha

Well, this dance essentially sealed Alesha's future in the nation's hearts. By all means it is not a perfect dance, it's supposed to be Cha Cha Cha but the amount of content is negligible but for sheer attitude and energy, Alesha nailed it. As did poor old Matthew who after winning this series was unceremoniously dropped a year later. Of course Alesha would go on to actually judge on the show and with barely any technical knowledge all she could say was, 'I know how you feel my love, you've improved though!' And... Well nothing else apart from agreeing with the other judge's technical advice and pointing on when blatant mistakes were made. The best part of the video? Watching Craig, the judge on the far left, bobbing his head in time to the music, he is the most moody and angry judge and to see him getting so into it was just brilliant.

Chris and Ola - Charleston

Chris Hollins wins the award for the least impressive winner of the series run, the pair's moniker during the series was the 'Dancing Hobbits', because they were short... Right? But when he was pitted against two unbearably smug opponents (was this the Ricky Whittle year?) it was just a case of his brilliant personality and this dance winning it for him. This is one of my favourite dances in the series because it's just a massive smile plastered across your face, it's a barrel of laughs and it's just excellent. How he didn't get four 10s the first time round is a travesty (he would do it again in the final and this would be rectified). Still this dance won the series for him and honestly? You can't deny him that.

Tom and Camilla - Show Dance

Another guy who, so upsettingly, was not actually the best dancer, but all that is completely ignored when he comes out and does this in the final. Let's be honest, he was against two incredibly smug opponents too (a running theme - just learn that to win you have to love dancing, not just get all smug because you're winning and being technically brilliant.) He wasn't the strongest dancer but he kept getting through because of his incredibly happy face and warm personality and because he genuinely loved dancing and was a massive fan of Fred Astaire. It also marks one of the first (and best) times a showdance was mostly ballroom, a lot of the time it's latin because it's free flowing and easy to just writhe about and do a ton of lifts, but this was something else. It was ballroom, it was in hold, he was out of hold, he was doing great lifts but the whole thing was just wonderful! He was doing what he loved, he was emulating the era he so often chimed on about and he did it so great. It's my favourite show dance of the series, I can't even remember the rest they were all so boring compared to this.

Matt and Flavia - Salsa

Nothing will compare to this dance, in fact I would go as far as to say it's my favourite dance of the series, it's not the best marked and it's certainly not the most mindblowing (it shockingly only got four 9s if I remember right) but this just cemented two things for me. Matt Di Angelo is a sex god, the feeling of lust was overwhelming watching this for the first time, and there was no doubt in my mind from that point on that him and his partner were having sex. Turns out I was right, they were at it like rabbits, shame that she was already in a relationship with her actual dancing partner and childhood sweetheart at the time... (They still actually dance together, brilliantly too!) Anyways, cheating dance partners aside this was just hot. It was just bloody brilliant and it I've never been so turned on by something where everyone's clothes are still on, there I said it, I'm driven by lust. He would then go on to cheat on Flavia with some woman elsewhere but... God... I love him, even if he is a naughty boy.

I might add more to this later as I recall them but I have to say one thing. The best thing about all of these dances, and why they are my favourites? Because they bring out the personality of the people doing them, it's the best form of expression and it's just beautiful to see, it's magic.

*To my readers outside of the UK, if you actually read and aren't inadvertently spat out here by an internet trawl, I know that in America Saturday is a dirge for television and your talent shows are mostly placed during the week when people are actually at home to watch them, but here in Britain someone bright spark had the idea to start their talent shows in the Autumn (Fall?) and have them go on til Christmas on the Weekend nights, so people simply didn't have to go out for drinks on the weekend and could instead stay at home and get drunk watching people make idiots on themselves on national television. As the history books will state, it then became a contest as to who could put the most outrageous exciting television on a Saturday night, specifically in the winter months, thus keeping a whole generation of people inside on the cold nights instead of out doing normal things. Strictly come Dancing and X-Factor are on the two biggest terrestrial (can I say that now we've all gone digital?) channels and compete for viewers. X-Factor was smashing the ratings a few years back but then Simon Cowell upped sticks and tried to sell his show to America (you can keep him.) and now it seems Strictly is becoming the tortoise who won the race, for now. It warms my heart at least.

Trauma

So, went to get my implant removed, too much information I know. Shouldn't have watched as the local anaesthetic was administered via big scary needle. Definitely shouldn't have observed as the incision was made in my arm with the sharp scalpel. Most certainly shouldn't have watched as the doctor grappled with the extremely slim piece of plastic in my arm and tried to remove it with forceps. The doctor became quite agitated as she couldn't seem to get a grip of it, watched the whole process for twenty minutes as she tried to manoeuvre and squeeze and force the sliver of plastic from the hole in my arm which was pumping blood onto the gauze around it. Couldn't take my eyes off it... I really should have, don't know how this will traumatise me. Perhaps I should have a good stiff drink. Or three.

Hell yes

I am on target, just. All it took was a plucky lech, a small adorable child and a guy with an unfortunate moustache monobrow problem and the delightful Ramona. Wrote 3,500 words about them essentially bouncing off each other. Good times... Bad novel! (*11,310*)

Today at the Bureau

Taken to calling British citizens 'Britizens' in my head, feel incredibly witty.

Constantly singing 'i before e, except after c' when writing up reports. Writing 'received' or 'did not receive' about 100 times in one day.

Find it extremely awkward when I imagine the person on other end of the phone is extremely attractive. Become bashful. People who blatantly use 'phone voices' entertain me, my phone voice is like an air hostess just without the nasally overtones, at least that's what I think I sound like.

When a big brand company goes into administration expect a lot of phone calls from people wanting money back for faulty goods... *ahem* Comet... Shame it's highly unlikely. If a company goes into administration they first have to pay their debts to the banks and then they go about paying the money they owe people, but as these are not priority debts it's unlikely they'll have the money to do so, otherwise they probably wouldn't have been declared bankrupt and be shutting down. Shame too... There are ways to make claims though, depends on a bunch of factors but that's the gist of it.

A client became very angry and started threatening to steal my telephone which was plugged into the wall, gave it a good yank, blamed my laws for ruining his life, really shouting. My response: getting high pitched and weepy, highly professional, went and grabbed supervisor. My people skills are terrible, it's probably better than shouting back I reasoned. Client realises he behaved inappropriately, didn't apologise, just became very quiet when I gave him an appointment and supervisor had reprimanded him for shouting at me. She told me they wouldn't dare yell at someone who was mature and looked stronger, they just shout at me because they know I'm weak. Maybe I need a buzzcut and tattoos? He did quail terror at her, she is quite intimidating... Surprisingly his problem was a company failing to pay him back for a faulty item after going into liquidation - not Comet. He was so angry.

Thought it incredibly sweet when someone told me their name was Potter, like Harry, *wink*. I am far too easy...

A woman wants to annul marriage because she believes her husband only married her to get a visa. Believes she has grounds as it wasn't consummated, repeated this several times. Went through all the avenues gave her a list of solicitors. At the end of the phone-call she told me she might leave it a year and try and divorce him. My instinct was to ask if she was going to try and consummate the marriage... Felt cruel, said nothing.

Room 529

My Novel, what I have written. It's about a hotel room, or it's set in one, most of the action takes place there, from my personal experience working in a hotel. Plus it means a variety of characters can come in and out of it. I can have extremely long interactions or incredibly short ones. I can have it at any time in a relationship, in a life, I can jump away and jump back. I thought this would make it easier... So far it's like pulling teeth.

• Chapter 1 - A couple are getting ready for their first anniversary, he's ready, she's taking forever. (*805*)
• Chapter 2 - Someone has cleaned the room with great care, it's a boy who's lying on the bed scattered with rose petals, he's alone and he waits until morning, no one comes - a good chance for me to describe the room in detail. It was kind of cruel, I'll admit, the image was such a strong one I couldn't resist. (*1,878*)
• Chapter 3 - A man saying he doesn't do these things often. One sentence. (*1,896*)
• Chapter 4 - Drunken business man after spending an evening at the pub with his suitcase, books into the hotel and finds a seemingly homeless girl sleeping in the bathtub. She's not very talkative but it doesn't stop them striking up a connection. They get drunk off the mini-bar and have sexy times, she of course robs him and he awakes alone, the contents of his wallet missing. (*4,889*)
• Chapter 5 - Man and mistress. The first night they met he recalls she claimed she'd make him love her. He's heading off to work in a jolly good mood because she seems to be the one who is attached and he is doesn't care for her. (*5,656*)
• Chapter 6 - Ramona, my favourite character will get my favourite name, at the minute. She's a chamber maid, she's going to be one of my only recurring characters, currently this is just an introduction. I'm avoiding describing her, she's just griping about the room, it's particularly messy today and she's reasoning it could be worse. It's just an insight into her job without explicitly saying who she is, or what she does, plus it allows me the opportunity to plumb the well of my own experiences cleaning stranger's hotel rooms... Oh so many abandoned diamanté thongs... Introduced fellow chambermaid Julia for my own amusement. (*7,397*)
• Chapter 7 - Gloria has come to the hotel to escape her husband, she is on the phone to him trying to explain why she left. (*7,586*)

The title is working one, it's shite. I'm literally uninspired, I've started this novel and I already despise it. What do people do in hotel rooms aside from have sex and watch TV? It might evolve into a murder mystery... That would be fun... Plus I do love killing characters off for no reason... Ideas on a postcard please.

Fringe Benefits

 

"It's like I'm constantly wearing a hat."

(*3,093*)

So behind...

Lessons

What I have learnt in the past few days:

• Doesn't matter how much vodka you neck, you still can't dance as well as you think you can.
• Going out on Halloween without a costume makes you feel strangely liberated and kind of sexy. Might have been the vodka and excessive dancing though...
• Ramen is crap. I've never been a massive fan of it, but since trying to sell the latest incarnation of Ramen at work it has become apparent I intensely dislike it. Although opening up the menu with a flourish has been fun.
• Don't ever try and talk to a person who for some reason is sitting in the middle of an arcade on a dark windy night. Your attempt at reaching out to a lonely person will result in an altercation with a security guard and you'll learn what he was doing while sitting alone in public, you'll regret shaking his hand and trying to help a person your better judgement suggested stepping over.
• Dancing excessively leads to sore thighs next day.
• Don't ever start writing a novel without any clue of structure. It's all well and good having an idea but panicking at 1am about whether it should be in first or third person causes massive stress. You should have thought about all this before!
• Don't intend to have a social life when attempting to write 50,000 words in a month. It's just not going to work... Making plans is a bad idea.
• Doesn't matter how much you you think, how many people you meet, things you see, you'll never be inspired. You're a crap author.
• Don't ask someone to go for a Big Mac as a proposition to hang out, they'll avoid cementing plans until the cows come home.
• Frizzy hair doth not suit you.
• Don't tell anyone you're uncomfortable about getting missed phonecalls from a colleague you don't wish to talk to outside of a work environment. It'll die down eventually just don't worry about it, or tell people.
• Don't think you will succeed at NaNoWriMo, give up now, fool!
• Poppies, great way to show support, painful when the pin impales your chest and slashes your hand. Learn to shove it in your scarf, only you could hurt yourself so badly with a pin... Always quote war poets to veterans. I get a poppy every year and become extremely sentimental, gave the man at the stall all my 50ps, he was very grateful, felt a kindred spirit, quoted Siegfried Sassoon, he looked bewildered, still felt good.
• You look damn good with a full fringe. If anyone says otherwise, get your head at the right angle and your fringe blocks your vision of them! Ah to be young and look like a hippie...
• Never doubt yourself
• Write less about people facing impending disappointment, write happier words, write more. (*1,871*)

Skyfall

Let's get this immediate reaction out of the way so you can accept my stance on this film. I think it's amazing, I would go as far as to say it's one of the best Bonds ever. I have already been chided for this remark but this is what I will go on to argue in the coming inevitably long paragraphs. Having slept instead of staying up extremely late to write this review I'm worried the post-cinema glow will have faded, and as with Looper (another film I genuinely liked) I'll forget exactly what was so good and fail to write anything of note. This is a pressing concern. Nevertheless I know what I want to say so let's have at it.

My mother, having seen the film before me (distressing) declared that the film was boring. She said there was very little action, she didn't understand the motives of the villain, she wasn't happy with his terrible hair, and she didn't understand why James Bond was so dull. Let me confirm one thing, I don't think my mum could be more wrong. The first twenty minutes is a breathless chase with motorbikes on rooftops, a train-top digger incident and fist-fight and a shocking twist. Fair enough the following sequences aren't quite as bombastic but I think the film does something unique in a Bond film which is match the action with the quieter developments and themes with some skill. I wasn't bothered that Bond wasn't kicking ass because I was so enjoying his company. This is where I do believe my partner couldn't disagree more and this is where the big divisive part of this film comes from.

In Skyfall Q hands Bond a gun, it's programmed to his fingerprints/palms so only he can use it - 'Less of a random killing machine, more of a personal statement.'* Now I'm not the first or the last person to make the the claim that this essentially sums up the film. It definitely resonates from the moment it's said and the more the film unfurls around us it's more apparent that is a personal statement as much as it is an action film.

But herein lies the problem. Do we want to know Bond? Do we care? Is that what fans of the series want? My cinema buddy thinks not, he wants excitement, he wants audacious action set-pieces, he wants Bond to sleep with the woman, have a drink and go to bed and call it a day. More-so than before in the series the Daniel Craig era has been working at fleshing out the character of Bond by giving us his origins, developing his relationship with Judi Dench's M, and making him work through his personal demons. I could watch all of Sean Connery's Bond career and sum up his character in several points: Bond can kill anyone with any tool, skilled at everything, he'll have sex with any woman who is attractive -skills, he loves to drink but specifically a Martini, he can't help crack a quip - he's witty, he is a man on a mission and will do anything to see it done - brave/courageous. Aside from that there is little else that really sticks; specifically the women he entangles himself with each film. Bond is an action man and nothing more. This is what people have come to expect from a Bond film, especially if you've just spent the past few weeks trying to watch all the previous films in as short a time as possible.** In Skyfall Bond transcends the stereotype Bond has become and we actually learn more about him. A heated debate ensued with my partner as to whether or not this is a good thing. 'Bond should bang the women, save the world, have a drink and kick ass!' My partner declared, I disagree.

James Bond has been around for 50 years now, in fact they released the film on it's 50th anniversary, Bond's favourite whiskey in the film is a 1962 malt, Bond drives his beloved Aston Martin DB5 which plays an integral part to the films last act, there is a deep respect for the film's heritage running throughout. Fifty years is a bloody long time! No other franchise could go on that long, unless it was uniquely British***. We can't have Sean Connery donning a tuxedo and jumping off buildings any more (although that would be awesome...), times change and Bond does too. They are building on the character of Bond, they are doing something different, we are learning more about him and he is becoming 'less of a random killing machine.' Over the years Bond has faced a lot of stiff competition, we're getting a whole new generation of action films, they're everywhere! And in them all we pretty much get the one-dimensional male who will inevitably kick some serious ass and save the world/family/country. Will he look as good in a dinner jacket? No, no one can. But there are so many knocking about, we're looking for more! In the good old days all Bond had to do was turn up in his suit complete with his exploding pen and pistol and he would be the best thing in the cinema by a long way. Times have changed, there are plenty of blockbuster action films about now, Bond isn't unique. Skyfall has proven to me as a fan of not only Bond but cinema, is that Bond is the best. He is the best at saving the world, he is the best at action, and most importantly he is the best at giving us a hero to root for, a fleshed out and interesting person, a man. That's more than your standard action fodder, no? Once again we are being given a unique cinematic experience. A film steeped in heritage, an action film with a beating heart, a respect for the past, an acknowledgement of modernity, an all around belter of action and twists and turns, and most importantly, thoroughly entertaining!

So what about the actual film? I'm at pains to give anything away as I expect anyone who grazes their eyes across this review to go see Skyfall immediately, as in right now, go! Actually you know what, I don't think I need to justify the film with an actual review, or a rehash of minor plot details and my sole quibble about the film.****  The Bond girls, in their own way were great, not one of them felt the need to don a bikini for no apparent reason. The acting was up to such a high standard, every action sequence had a sliver of humour as well as heart-in-your-mouth action. The cinematography! I know I keep throwing that word out there... but the film was shot superbly, the locations, the whole mood of the film was just absolutely stunning, I've not seen a more beautifully shot film in years.

Just get off your arses and go see the movie, you won't be disappointed. If you are, simply crack out the old Bond boxsets and watch Connery at work, just not the Roger Moore ones, kay?

* First off, Q is played by the fantastic Ben Whishaw, seriously give the man a hand, I've seen him in Criminal Justice (BBC miniseries grim) The Hours (BBC attempt at Mad Men but in the newsroom in the 50s) and I'm Not There (for a film with so many acting heavyweights playing Bob Dylan my favourite parts were his, he lit up the screen.) So in all honesty it's such a delight to see him in a big blockbuster movie playing such an iconic role, I'm so made up for him, plus he does such a good job!

** Not that I did that... Well ok, maybe I watched a few, I was genuinely that excited!

***An institution, like Doctor Who. We know how to continue a series successfully for many decades. And let's face it, there are missteps in both Bond and Who but instead of ignoring them we embrace the mistakes and continue to strive for perfection.

**** **Slight spoilers** It's not right that they put Bond appearing and shooting the screen with the blood running down, at the end. It should be at the beginning godamnit! I know it would have messed with the aesthetic of the start sequence but it's supposed to be at the beginning! It's not Bond if he doesn't 'die' at least once... Plus it wouldn't be much of a film series if they just killed him... Stick it at the beginning!