Sob Story

I told my boyfriend I spent a lot of time crying last night, he didn't understand why, I told him it was a weird thing, sometimes it just becomes so hard to not cry so I have to let it out. It's a strange sensation, like my well hath runneth over. It's not that I'm sad about anything that I can help, sometimes it just occurs. A lot of the time it's because I've drank something with alcoholic content, most of the time... My mind goes to sad and desperate places that have no relation to my own predicament, although I'm not above feeling incredibly sorry for myself, that's quite often, I also sob about other people, and a few random things. So I compiled a short list of things that do make me cry, apart from the obvious wounds, hormones and pity parties.

Pregnant women.
Spilt milk.
Lonely people.
The smell of sea salt.
Lost in Translation - the movie, it's the only film without fail to have me a quivering wreck at the end.
Cold baths.
Age Concern - The Charity, mainly the thought that there are people it can't help, I cry thinking of them.
The north wind.
My own selfishness.
Grandma sitting in the kitchen being ignored by her husband and just withering away. I think of that frequently, it makes me hate my granddad.
Cracks in stained glass windows.
People with black eyes.
People who are intentionally cruel.
Injustice.
Eyeliner/Mascara - mostly when I jab myself in the eye, I take it horribly personally.
When people ask if I'm ok when I'm not.
Thinking about children who are alone and afraid.
Not knowing the right thing to say to someone.
Empty churches.
Getting drunk, being around people.
Crying babies.
Songs of Praise.

Oh man that was supposed to be a short list... It goes on though. Probably... It's just off the top of my head at the minute. I've noticed there are a few that remind me of home, a few that are about other people, and there are the ones that make me think of church. I know most people just disregard religion nowadays, it's superfluous, it's not necessary to modern society. It's sad to me that people can be so blasé about faith when for the longest time it was an integral part to society, for better or worse. Plus, it was the only thing that kept me going during my darker moments . Deep down there is a hope, a desire, a need to know that there is a guiding hand, a force bigger than our own, something that brought us to this point, that gave us the gift of thought. It's comforting. I always get extremely religious when someone dies, or I feel lost. I once told someone, when I gave up looking for friends I looked for God. I spent a lot of time reading books about Him, not just the Bible obviously, just books, logic, the history of Christianity, people's unwavering beliefs, it was a great comfort to me for a while. This was the same summer when I would be able to say my only friend outside of my family was an old man living in my Uncle's Bed and Breakfast, he was lonely too, I loved talking to him.

Anyways this actually brings me to my point, I cry because there are people in the world who are hurting, lost, alone, helpless, the thought of them makes me sob. The thought of people who actively do things which hurt others, who don't care that there are people in pain as long as they are happy, that makes me cry, it makes me angry that people can be cruel and selfish and can go out and intentionally do things which affect people's lives for the worse. When I'm angry I cry too. It makes me cry when I feel sorry for myself and I feel selfish because there are people who need help. I can get up and do something, I can try and fix my pathetically insignificant problems, some people just can't, they need help. I have over-active tear-ducts.

If I could protect just about anybody from the pains of loneliness and loss I would. People don't know loneliness until they feel it, they can claim it, they can talk about it, but you just don't honestly know until it consumes you completely with it's unfathomable crushing weight, I don't want anyone to feel that way, I would do anything to stop that feeling from existing in the world. I used to sit and talk to that old man at the Bed & Breakfast because he was alone, his brother died while he was there and he had no other family left, all I wanted to do was to help him. We'd talk about cathedrals, about the wars gone by, paintings, music, lots of old things, I like to think I helped him, just by listening.

The other day at the CAB a volunteer complained that a client was being incredibly rude to him, he felt it necessary to point out to them that he was in fact a volunteer, doing this work for free, giving up his free time to get shouted at by irate individuals. Sometimes the people at the CAB do get upset and wound up and emotional, but I never tell call them out for it, sometimes it's just how people cope. They have no other way to vent than to lash out, and sometimes the situation is pretty difficult and we can't help them outright, people get upset then, all I can do is apologise and in some way direct them to someone who can help. It doesn't matter if they are lashing out and being cruel, I am a mask, I don't let it get to me, well it does, sometimes I get upset but I try my hardest not to let it show; it's not their fault they are upset. I don't tell people I'm a volunteer, a lot of them assume I'm getting paid, that I'm getting something out of it, I honestly just wanted to do something worthwhile and help people. I have no reason to correct them, I'm just there to listen and to help. I volunteered for the Samaritans a while ago, I'm thinking of doing it again in the coming months given the time, they only ask for 4 hours a week which I'm sure I can fit into my schedule, it would be worth it if I could help more people. I already did the training the last time, I'm happy to do it again, it's sitting and listening to people on the phone, people who are on the brink of the worst feeling in the world. All I have to do is listen to them, care about them, and I do, I care if people are at the point of no return, I genuinely want to help them. At the end of the day people don't want to be told to just get over it, or move on, they just want someone to listen. It can be so hard when things get so bad and you have no one to listen to you, when everyone has their opinions, their own problems, it's so difficult to just make sense of things and you can get so lost and lonely. Sometimes you just need someone to just hear you, actually listen and know how hard things are, someone knowing, someone sympathising, it's amazing how hard it can be to find someone to do that sometimes; it does a world of good. I summed it up in my head into a single thought, "They don't want to be fixed, they just want to be heard."

It's funny because a lot of people don't think much of me who know me, they think I'm shallow and selfish, I tend to give off that air I think, a bit air-headed and silly, if people don't like me it's because I've done some pretty stupid shitty things. That's fine. I'm not better than anyone. They know I work at the CAB but as far as they know it's because I can and it's something to do, not because I have this crying/over-thinking problem. Just because I lie awake at night crying because I'm imagining some old lady is freezing to death in her empty cold house, that doesn't make me an entirely good person. I also worry about my life, my boyfriend, my family, money, like anyone would. I do and say stupid things, I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, I do things without thinking, but I try and make things better... They don't know who I am, they don't know me deep down, I don't want to share that part of me. The part that wants to help people is a hurt lonely person, a person who is very vulnerable and shy and doesn't get out much, she just wants to get on, she doesn't talk much but she's always there. As long as I know I'm helping someone in the world it doesn't matter, I know I'm trying and I'm doing it because I want to, not for anyone else. Everyone else can make their assumptions, they don't care much about me anyway, they can think I'm crying because I'm just a neurotic mess, to be honest they aren't far off.

Headache

So... Can't remember much of last night, it was a family gathering to celebrate my parents 25th wedding anniversary. There was a lot of alcohol... We watched the wedding video straight out of 1987... So many ghosts. It must have been a good night because there was a point where I was hugging my grandmother and we were telling each other how much we loved one another in a drunken stupor. Needless to say I've spent today wanting to throw up and cry periodically. Everyone cries at a good wedding don't they?

Revenge

Random ponderings of the massively insecure:

Feel inordinately happy. Probably shouldn't be, it's never a good thing. Discovered a person who I used to know now works at Newcastle Central Station's Starbucks Kiosk, she used to work at my favourite bar in Newcastle so I couldn't ever go there again. Now it's different, I want to go to the tiny cold kiosk and stand, I want to stand tall and ask for a cup of hot water with a tea bag and I want to look awesome. It's revenge, not the best revenge but it'll be sweet... I hope. Probably will just be awkward, or worse, she won't be working when I get off the train...

Many things I do in life are driven by the past, mostly to spite people who have wronged me, she wronged me, and now the only thing I can think to do is go and stand and stare at her unblinking. Well I would blink, otherwise that would just be creepy. Sure my life isn't perfect but I don't spend my free time in a tiny cold kiosk serving people I'd happily punch in the face. I spend that time in a restaurant, so there.

How do you like me now? Yeah bitch, how does it feel seeing me have a life after you nearly fucked it up entirely with your meaningless selfish drama? I can cause just enough drama on my own, thanks, now hand me the tea and don't pour it on my face please?

I wouldn't say all that, I wouldn't say anything, just being there would be revenge enough in my head. In the grand scheme of things I've done questionable things but I've never gone out of my way to be intentionally cruel to someone, I've always been first to forgive and forget. If the situation arises where that's impossible then you move on, but I've gone out of my way to prevent cutting people out of my life (unless they decide to do so) and I've avoided being intentionally malicious. At the end of the day all I can do when someone has wronged me is spite them by existing, by continuing to breathe and live and laugh and try, and to be honest that's the only reason I keep going some days, to prove everyone wrong. Let's be fair, these people I'm spiting don't give me a second thought, but it's a constant ongoing propelling force for me. I continue to struggle onwards to prove, to people who genuinely don't care, wrong. I never speak to them again most of the time, or see them, but I know that just continuing to struggle onwards is a slight against them, they just don't know it, or ever will, so... Yeah pointless. Speaking of pathetic, did I tell you about someone I truly loathe now working in a coffee kiosk? Well, I'm going to go stand there, exist in the space in front of her, she won't know it but it'll be the ultimate insult I can hurl at her. I really need to think of more creative ways to get back at people...

Passing

"Cheer up love, could be worse."
"Sorry?"
"Why the long face?"
"Oh nothing... my face is always like this."*
"You look like your cat died. You should try smiling more."

Everyone walks around with miserable faces, mine seems to be the one which attracts comment though. Just at the supermarket waiting in the queue, minding my own business, some old guy feels the need to pass comment. Why does everyone think I always look sad? I don't really concentrate on what my face is doing when I'm walking around. Apparently I walk like a man anyway, I stomp, I have bad posture, blah blah blah, something else I don't think about but others notice. But to cap it off I look sad all the time too. It's irritating me now, I might have stuff on my mind, I might be thinking about something endlessly happy, I also have my headphones which play my ... well it's not the happiest music, fine, but still it's mine. Just getting through the day, doesn't mean I need to constantly smile whilst outside, I do enough of it at my job and it's seemingly not enough, people notice when I'm not smiling. I almost feel happy for the first time in ages, almost content, almost relaxed, almost like I'm finally making sense of things. But my face, sour unhappy face which naturally seems to be in a perma-scowl, seems to be intent on making the world think I'm still at a point in my life where I would happily walk off a cliff. Go figure, I thought I was moving on, and not off a cliff, to better happier pastures. Perhaps I'm not fooling anyone...

*I was quoting Vivi from Final Fantasy IX. Complete accident but Eiko asks Vivi why the long face and that's his response, and that's how I responded. It's only after it happened I realised I said that, it was so fitting, if the old dude had seem my face after I'd realised that he would have seen delirious joy, shame.

Crossings

So when you're a kid your parents tell you not to cross a bridge. It's dangerous, there's a goblin under it and if you cross he'll eat you. Obviously it's so you don't go running off, logic. But as a child you don't question it, you don't assume the people you love would lie to you. How times change.

Strictly

Hey, just to throw any authority I have for taste out of the window, I love Strictly Come Dancing. I've watched it with my mum since since series 2, which is getting on quite some bloody time now... Anyways, it is such a good show and I've always preferred it to the other Saturday night juggernaut X-Factor.* Strictly Come Dancing (or Dancing with the Stars) is where a selection of celebrities dance with professional dancing champions from around the world, and basically either make prats of themselves or get better over the weeks and aim to win. There is a judging panel and their aim is to give professional constructive advice (apart from Alesha who just sat and looked pretty, thank god she's gone) and they mark the contestants out of 10 for their performances and then the public vote too and it's all halved and worked out so someone leaves every week, there's a dance off for that. So that's the gist of it, not really rocket science to be honest... But here are my favourite dances. Because instead of writing my novel (I'm about 7,000 behind target and counting, so it's going terribly.) I'm on YouTube reminiscing as I am wont to do when I should be doing something else.

Scott and Natalie - Jive

So Scott is some guy from Eastenders who, on the first ever live episode fluffed his lines in the most cringeworthy way I've ever seen. I only watched it because I was at home and my mother made me, but I literally nearly fell off my sofa feeling incredibly bad for the guy. So here he is doing some dancing. This is one of my favourite dances as it was only mid-way through the series and it just looked so damn good. Plus the song, Hit the Road Jack, a favourite of mine, so perfection. Unfortunately whatever magic dust Scott was sprinkled in on this particular night to produce such perfection swiftly faded and he never quite got it back, he actually got worse as time went on, probably because he peaked and could never quite reach the same calibre again, sad times... Plus I always had a distaste for Natalie Lowe due to her blatant relationship with Ricky Whittle (arsehole) the year before but looking back and in recent times, she is a bloody good teacher, I really do need to give her more credit.

Alesha and Matthew - Cha Cha Cha

Well, this dance essentially sealed Alesha's future in the nation's hearts. By all means it is not a perfect dance, it's supposed to be Cha Cha Cha but the amount of content is negligible but for sheer attitude and energy, Alesha nailed it. As did poor old Matthew who after winning this series was unceremoniously dropped a year later. Of course Alesha would go on to actually judge on the show and with barely any technical knowledge all she could say was, 'I know how you feel my love, you've improved though!' And... Well nothing else apart from agreeing with the other judge's technical advice and pointing on when blatant mistakes were made. The best part of the video? Watching Craig, the judge on the far left, bobbing his head in time to the music, he is the most moody and angry judge and to see him getting so into it was just brilliant.

Chris and Ola - Charleston

Chris Hollins wins the award for the least impressive winner of the series run, the pair's moniker during the series was the 'Dancing Hobbits', because they were short... Right? But when he was pitted against two unbearably smug opponents (was this the Ricky Whittle year?) it was just a case of his brilliant personality and this dance winning it for him. This is one of my favourite dances in the series because it's just a massive smile plastered across your face, it's a barrel of laughs and it's just excellent. How he didn't get four 10s the first time round is a travesty (he would do it again in the final and this would be rectified). Still this dance won the series for him and honestly? You can't deny him that.

Tom and Camilla - Show Dance

Another guy who, so upsettingly, was not actually the best dancer, but all that is completely ignored when he comes out and does this in the final. Let's be honest, he was against two incredibly smug opponents too (a running theme - just learn that to win you have to love dancing, not just get all smug because you're winning and being technically brilliant.) He wasn't the strongest dancer but he kept getting through because of his incredibly happy face and warm personality and because he genuinely loved dancing and was a massive fan of Fred Astaire. It also marks one of the first (and best) times a showdance was mostly ballroom, a lot of the time it's latin because it's free flowing and easy to just writhe about and do a ton of lifts, but this was something else. It was ballroom, it was in hold, he was out of hold, he was doing great lifts but the whole thing was just wonderful! He was doing what he loved, he was emulating the era he so often chimed on about and he did it so great. It's my favourite show dance of the series, I can't even remember the rest they were all so boring compared to this.

Matt and Flavia - Salsa

Nothing will compare to this dance, in fact I would go as far as to say it's my favourite dance of the series, it's not the best marked and it's certainly not the most mindblowing (it shockingly only got four 9s if I remember right) but this just cemented two things for me. Matt Di Angelo is a sex god, the feeling of lust was overwhelming watching this for the first time, and there was no doubt in my mind from that point on that him and his partner were having sex. Turns out I was right, they were at it like rabbits, shame that she was already in a relationship with her actual dancing partner and childhood sweetheart at the time... (They still actually dance together, brilliantly too!) Anyways, cheating dance partners aside this was just hot. It was just bloody brilliant and it I've never been so turned on by something where everyone's clothes are still on, there I said it, I'm driven by lust. He would then go on to cheat on Flavia with some woman elsewhere but... God... I love him, even if he is a naughty boy.

I might add more to this later as I recall them but I have to say one thing. The best thing about all of these dances, and why they are my favourites? Because they bring out the personality of the people doing them, it's the best form of expression and it's just beautiful to see, it's magic.

*To my readers outside of the UK, if you actually read and aren't inadvertently spat out here by an internet trawl, I know that in America Saturday is a dirge for television and your talent shows are mostly placed during the week when people are actually at home to watch them, but here in Britain someone bright spark had the idea to start their talent shows in the Autumn (Fall?) and have them go on til Christmas on the Weekend nights, so people simply didn't have to go out for drinks on the weekend and could instead stay at home and get drunk watching people make idiots on themselves on national television. As the history books will state, it then became a contest as to who could put the most outrageous exciting television on a Saturday night, specifically in the winter months, thus keeping a whole generation of people inside on the cold nights instead of out doing normal things. Strictly come Dancing and X-Factor are on the two biggest terrestrial (can I say that now we've all gone digital?) channels and compete for viewers. X-Factor was smashing the ratings a few years back but then Simon Cowell upped sticks and tried to sell his show to America (you can keep him.) and now it seems Strictly is becoming the tortoise who won the race, for now. It warms my heart at least.

Trauma

So, went to get my implant removed, too much information I know. Shouldn't have watched as the local anaesthetic was administered via big scary needle. Definitely shouldn't have observed as the incision was made in my arm with the sharp scalpel. Most certainly shouldn't have watched as the doctor grappled with the extremely slim piece of plastic in my arm and tried to remove it with forceps. The doctor became quite agitated as she couldn't seem to get a grip of it, watched the whole process for twenty minutes as she tried to manoeuvre and squeeze and force the sliver of plastic from the hole in my arm which was pumping blood onto the gauze around it. Couldn't take my eyes off it... I really should have, don't know how this will traumatise me. Perhaps I should have a good stiff drink. Or three.

Hell yes

I am on target, just. All it took was a plucky lech, a small adorable child and a guy with an unfortunate moustache monobrow problem and the delightful Ramona. Wrote 3,500 words about them essentially bouncing off each other. Good times... Bad novel! (*11,310*)

Today at the Bureau

Taken to calling British citizens 'Britizens' in my head, feel incredibly witty.

Constantly singing 'i before e, except after c' when writing up reports. Writing 'received' or 'did not receive' about 100 times in one day.

Find it extremely awkward when I imagine the person on other end of the phone is extremely attractive. Become bashful. People who blatantly use 'phone voices' entertain me, my phone voice is like an air hostess just without the nasally overtones, at least that's what I think I sound like.

When a big brand company goes into administration expect a lot of phone calls from people wanting money back for faulty goods... *ahem* Comet... Shame it's highly unlikely. If a company goes into administration they first have to pay their debts to the banks and then they go about paying the money they owe people, but as these are not priority debts it's unlikely they'll have the money to do so, otherwise they probably wouldn't have been declared bankrupt and be shutting down. Shame too... There are ways to make claims though, depends on a bunch of factors but that's the gist of it.

A client became very angry and started threatening to steal my telephone which was plugged into the wall, gave it a good yank, blamed my laws for ruining his life, really shouting. My response: getting high pitched and weepy, highly professional, went and grabbed supervisor. My people skills are terrible, it's probably better than shouting back I reasoned. Client realises he behaved inappropriately, didn't apologise, just became very quiet when I gave him an appointment and supervisor had reprimanded him for shouting at me. She told me they wouldn't dare yell at someone who was mature and looked stronger, they just shout at me because they know I'm weak. Maybe I need a buzzcut and tattoos? He did quail terror at her, she is quite intimidating... Surprisingly his problem was a company failing to pay him back for a faulty item after going into liquidation - not Comet. He was so angry.

Thought it incredibly sweet when someone told me their name was Potter, like Harry, *wink*. I am far too easy...

A woman wants to annul marriage because she believes her husband only married her to get a visa. Believes she has grounds as it wasn't consummated, repeated this several times. Went through all the avenues gave her a list of solicitors. At the end of the phone-call she told me she might leave it a year and try and divorce him. My instinct was to ask if she was going to try and consummate the marriage... Felt cruel, said nothing.

Room 529

My Novel, what I have written. It's about a hotel room, or it's set in one, most of the action takes place there, from my personal experience working in a hotel. Plus it means a variety of characters can come in and out of it. I can have extremely long interactions or incredibly short ones. I can have it at any time in a relationship, in a life, I can jump away and jump back. I thought this would make it easier... So far it's like pulling teeth.

• Chapter 1 - A couple are getting ready for their first anniversary, he's ready, she's taking forever. (*805*)
• Chapter 2 - Someone has cleaned the room with great care, it's a boy who's lying on the bed scattered with rose petals, he's alone and he waits until morning, no one comes - a good chance for me to describe the room in detail. It was kind of cruel, I'll admit, the image was such a strong one I couldn't resist. (*1,878*)
• Chapter 3 - A man saying he doesn't do these things often. One sentence. (*1,896*)
• Chapter 4 - Drunken business man after spending an evening at the pub with his suitcase, books into the hotel and finds a seemingly homeless girl sleeping in the bathtub. She's not very talkative but it doesn't stop them striking up a connection. They get drunk off the mini-bar and have sexy times, she of course robs him and he awakes alone, the contents of his wallet missing. (*4,889*)
• Chapter 5 - Man and mistress. The first night they met he recalls she claimed she'd make him love her. He's heading off to work in a jolly good mood because she seems to be the one who is attached and he is doesn't care for her. (*5,656*)
• Chapter 6 - Ramona, my favourite character will get my favourite name, at the minute. She's a chamber maid, she's going to be one of my only recurring characters, currently this is just an introduction. I'm avoiding describing her, she's just griping about the room, it's particularly messy today and she's reasoning it could be worse. It's just an insight into her job without explicitly saying who she is, or what she does, plus it allows me the opportunity to plumb the well of my own experiences cleaning stranger's hotel rooms... Oh so many abandoned diamanté thongs... Introduced fellow chambermaid Julia for my own amusement. (*7,397*)
• Chapter 7 - Gloria has come to the hotel to escape her husband, she is on the phone to him trying to explain why she left. (*7,586*)

The title is working one, it's shite. I'm literally uninspired, I've started this novel and I already despise it. What do people do in hotel rooms aside from have sex and watch TV? It might evolve into a murder mystery... That would be fun... Plus I do love killing characters off for no reason... Ideas on a postcard please.

Fringe Benefits

 

"It's like I'm constantly wearing a hat."

(*3,093*)

So behind...

Lessons

What I have learnt in the past few days:

• Doesn't matter how much vodka you neck, you still can't dance as well as you think you can.
• Going out on Halloween without a costume makes you feel strangely liberated and kind of sexy. Might have been the vodka and excessive dancing though...
• Ramen is crap. I've never been a massive fan of it, but since trying to sell the latest incarnation of Ramen at work it has become apparent I intensely dislike it. Although opening up the menu with a flourish has been fun.
• Don't ever try and talk to a person who for some reason is sitting in the middle of an arcade on a dark windy night. Your attempt at reaching out to a lonely person will result in an altercation with a security guard and you'll learn what he was doing while sitting alone in public, you'll regret shaking his hand and trying to help a person your better judgement suggested stepping over.
• Dancing excessively leads to sore thighs next day.
• Don't ever start writing a novel without any clue of structure. It's all well and good having an idea but panicking at 1am about whether it should be in first or third person causes massive stress. You should have thought about all this before!
• Don't intend to have a social life when attempting to write 50,000 words in a month. It's just not going to work... Making plans is a bad idea.
• Doesn't matter how much you you think, how many people you meet, things you see, you'll never be inspired. You're a crap author.
• Don't ask someone to go for a Big Mac as a proposition to hang out, they'll avoid cementing plans until the cows come home.
• Frizzy hair doth not suit you.
• Don't tell anyone you're uncomfortable about getting missed phonecalls from a colleague you don't wish to talk to outside of a work environment. It'll die down eventually just don't worry about it, or tell people.
• Don't think you will succeed at NaNoWriMo, give up now, fool!
• Poppies, great way to show support, painful when the pin impales your chest and slashes your hand. Learn to shove it in your scarf, only you could hurt yourself so badly with a pin... Always quote war poets to veterans. I get a poppy every year and become extremely sentimental, gave the man at the stall all my 50ps, he was very grateful, felt a kindred spirit, quoted Siegfried Sassoon, he looked bewildered, still felt good.
• You look damn good with a full fringe. If anyone says otherwise, get your head at the right angle and your fringe blocks your vision of them! Ah to be young and look like a hippie...
• Never doubt yourself
• Write less about people facing impending disappointment, write happier words, write more. (*1,871*)