I exist

Would anyone be surprised if I said that 2017 was depressing?
Perhaps not.
But it feels like I've been lost a bit sad for some time over the past few years.

I shan't say that's not the case anymore, specifically that lost feeling. My general life trajectory still remains somewhat aimless and a little bit unwieldy but I continue to exist. For the most part, and this is a warm and reassuring surprise, I feel good.

The most important thing, and perhaps it's due to pure dumb luck rather than bravery or motivation, is that I've made a supreme effort to fix what ails me. There have been many things I've done which I didn't think I would. Getting out there, following through and making an effort.

Can't say it's all sunshine and roses but for the first time in a very long time I can genuinely see something close to progress. Some clarity instead of a fog of fear and confusion. I'm not afraid of my own company or the company of others.

Sure, it's a struggle getting by sometimes but rather than that being another obstacle in which I fail to succeed, I feel just about okay with where I and who I am. If one day everything seems more difficult than usual, deep down I can feel somewhat safe in the knowledge that it will pass and I'll find myself feeling okay soon enough.

This is essentially a message in a bottle in which I will come back to this place and see that at one point... for a moment in time, I was content within myself. I am perfectly happy just living life and enjoying what good I can find. A wistful and wonderful scream into the void.