Final Fantasy XIII-2

I'm going to review this stupid game in the arse. I'm going to review it so hard it cries and runs back to it's mummy and daddy games, FFXIII and FFX-2 and weeps all night long about how I defiled it's innocence. I'll be that maniac thrown laughing in a white prison cell with pink flowers adorning my hair. You'll hear me throughout the city, I'll be cackling so hard, lock your doors, I'll be out again reviewing before long. Beware, this reviewer is out to get you.

I didn't hate this game, in fact I probably wouldn't want to make it cry because it tried so hard to be something special. It wasn't, don't get me wrong, it's that guy at the party who looks so unbelievably godlike, his hair is perfect, his eyes glimmering, the alcohol induced haze makes him shimmer in the dim lights, and you decide to have a bit of fun with him. Then in the morning between the lynx drenched sheets, and the football poster adorned walls, you discover he's actually a bit of a wanker, see this doesn't work. I can't use this analogy because if this game was a sex, it would definitely be female. It's pink, it's dreamy, it's cute, it's fun, and it's completely forgettable. Like any girl a guy would pick up at a party. But I'm not a guy at a party, this is a game, I'm supposed to be reviewing. And, as with most things, I got side tracked. The thing is, I remember the hazy enjoyment of the game, I remember liking it. But I stopped playing it a week ago and I can't honestly remember why I actually liked it.

Ok, so it has a tough act to follow, in fact all it had to do was simply create a game which wasn't one massive tunnel, and it would succeed where FFXIII failed. And here is where Final Fantasy XIII-2 earns it's stripes, when compared to it's predecessor, FFXIII, it's a good game, when compared to any other game recently released, especially in the RPG genre, it's a terrible game. Now what does that say about my sentiment toward FFXIII? I hated it, I despised it, I waited five long years for my final fantasy installment, my rag tag bunch of heroes out to save the world, all the while being totally wonderful and interesting people. Well, no, instead we were supposed to save something called Cocoon, and let me tell you something, I knew nothing about Cocoon, I had no desire to 'save' it.

Did it have people like Hippaul running around? Was Ilia's Grandma trying to make her a dress for her birthday? Was there anyone worth saving there? Uh no. Did I know anything about how we'd gone from point A to point Q? No. I could have found out if I read the primers but I didn't. It's a game, you're supposed to immerse me in the world and make me care. I didn't care about Cocoon and I definitely didn't care about any of the main characters or their overly melodramatic issues. The whole story was contrived, it was hollow, it was dreadful. I hated the story. And once I hate a story, it makes it very hard for me to care about anything else. Luckily FFXIII gave me the 'Auto-Battle' system, a criminally pointless way to dispatch enemies, and a giant colourful tunnel of enemies to face then cutscenes to watch. All of it pointless and depressing, not because it was tugging on my heartstrings but because it was absolutely pointless and not what I wanted to do.

Let's just acknowledge this right now. I didn't care for FFXIII-2, I didn't care that it was being made, so there was zero expectations. So immediately when I picked up the game and played it there was nothing stopping me in my tracks as we watched a beautiful if nonsensical beginning sequence. Don't get me wrong, XIII-2's story is about as pointless as anything Enix has produced in recent years, but there was something else there. A small iota of humour, coming from Mog, Serah wasn't a hateful ice queen and Noel, well, he was something. The three of them together presented a team I could root for. Something I never cared for with the previous team. I actively hated Snow, Vanille, Lightning, Hope, Fang, even Sazh at points. Give me a moogle with a slight sense of humour and I'm yours. Well for the most part.

So the characters are likeable, thank god! Then there is the immersion, XIII-2 dealt with linearity in a very direct manner, it decided you could travel through time anywhere you liked. Well not anywhere, or any time, this isn't Inspector Spacetime, but you can go to a multitude of areas in different times and it immediately cuts out that whole tunnel shit. You can decide wherever the hell you want to go. I'll admit, it's stupid you can't go into the past and stop the whole debacle taking place but it would ruin the story to apply such logic to the scenario and for a moment in time, a very long moment, as I played through the game, I hung logic on a hook by the door and delved in.

The battle system is somewhat improved by the fact that you can change your party leader, instead of the main character dying and it being game over, both your main characters have to die. But it's not an issue if you do die, because you just get spat out right next to where you began the battle. Fear of death has been eradicated, go in all guns blazing, if you keep losing, try elsewhere, but for the most part you can get through most battles by sheer force, minimal technique, and an ample supply of potions. The battle system has also been given a new layer by introducing a third party member monster link thingy, it's easy to grasp and you can catch monsters and have them work as your third party member, each monster having their own job and crystarium and such. You can only carry three so there are constraints but you can also catch as many as you like, even Lightning can be subbed in as a Ravager if you pay for the DLC with her in and then fight her seventeen times and wait patiently for her to join. That's something that irks me, I paid for her, but I have to fight her multiple times to get her to join my godamn party, that's ridiculous! So the battle system is improved in certain aspects, which I approve of, the Feral Link ability makes each monster unique and gives them all different reasons to be subbed into your party for different fights. It's cool.

Now for the DLC. What Enix have provided us with, once again, is an unfinished game, there are aspects of the story that are completely unexplained, there are chunks of development ignored and this is because it's all coming out later as DLC. Let me just tell you Square Enix, people, once they are finished a game, will put it down and move onto the next one. No one is going to wait around for the DLC to see what happens next, especially after giving us such a downer of an ending. It's just not logical, or fair. I know, I left it by the door, but I also managed to collect 152 out of 160 damn fragments and then, gave up, when I realised I'd have to complete the bestiary to get the last one and there is no way I'm doing that. Giving us an unfinished game that only took just under a couple of years to produce is fine, I'll cave on that point, but don't expect me to come back and play FFXIII-3 when it inevitably comes out as a stop-gap to the 'never-going-to-happen-Versus'.

I liked the game because it was fun, it was vibrant, it was stupid, it was easy, and it was a nice old waste of time. The whole Mog abilities are utilised well, the jumping around and missions are all very entertaining. I care a little bit more about what's going on. The maps are bigger and more interesting to explore and the characters, as I've mentioned, are not completely hateful. Then there's the puzzles which add a nice distraction from bog standard game play and there's the stupid place with the chocobo races which was a genuinely entertaining time sink for half an hour. Oh, and a special shout out has to go to those red chocobos who consume your Gysahl Greens as you ride them, the heavy metal chocobo theme song is played and the chocobo runs along like it's head-banging in time to the music, my god that is an entertaining waste of time, hilarious! I don't know if this was serious or one big hilarious joke by the company but it certainly made me laugh.

So overall, not a completely hateful game. In comparison to FFXIII it was a good game, it was the game they should have released but didn't for some reason, why did they have to make a game to fix the mistakes they make in FFXIII in the first place? Why did they still provide a short and unfinished game? It just doesn't make sense to me any more.

Square Enix have lost the magic. I thought it was just me, growing up and not finding the wonder in Final Fantasy any more, but for the first time in my life I've realised, it's not me, it's them. And until they sort out of their issues and their impending bankruptcy, I'll find my JRPG fix elsewhere. Last Story here I come!