Rigmarole

You ever had a moment when you're walking along and suddenly a word pops into your head, and you love it, and realise it's the best word that ever existed. That's what happened today, I was walking along minding my own business, looking left to right and just roaming pointlessly with no destination, and a word just came into my mind, perfect spelling, perfect knowledge of the word, as if I just invented  it, but I know I didn't. It's a strange sensation, a nice one. Rigmarole...

Walking is something I do to clear my head, it makes me feel good. I used to walk along the cliffs by the sea when I lived in Sunderland, my home-town. I could walk for miles, for hours, the sea crashing against the cliffs, the wind in my hair, the horizon on one side and endless scenery on the other, mostly fields and the sky; it kept me at peace. It was either walking or riding my bike, when things got rubbish at home that's what I'd do, I'd escape and roam by the sea.

Now I have nowhere to go, I live in the middle of a city, a relatively big city, not huge, but big enough that I can walk for an hour and still be surrounded by the streets, the cars, the roads. It didn't take long to find a park, but the trees didn't last forever, still surrounded by streets, by people... It's impossible to be completely alone here, can't say it's something I like, I miss the solitude, the nature, it was always so beautiful. Walking around the city doesn't have the same soothing affect, but getting lost and not knowing where I am, that's quite a nice feeling; alone and lost, no responsibility, no concerns, just walking.

So when I'm not sure what to do it just makes sense to go for a walk. A long rambling pointless walk; which is what I did today. A gentleman approached me, whilst I was wandering along an unimpressive street, gazing up at the trees reaching into the sky lining the pavements. I was quite shocked when he stopped me and asked for directions, I apologised to him, in my sincerest voice I said, 'I'm sorry, I'm getting lost.' His expression was quizzical for the an almost imperceptible second and then he smiled and nodded and I walked away. Probably not my best first impression...

When you're on your own you have no reason to be anything more than what you want to be, it's quite liberating. Today I wore a skirt that my boyfriend and my mum hate even though I'm quite fond of it, makes me look old apparently, I put a pink lipstick on which I wouldn't dare to use unless I was going out drinking and had the utmost confidence it would be gone within a short period of time; I left my hair loose and my fringe, which is now obscuring my vision but I'm far too lazy to get it cut, flopping over my eyes. Off I went into the world, my first port of call, walking with an air of confidence through a sea of people down the busiest street in the city of town and kept my eyes up, I waltzed past the crowds and felt completely at ease in myself, very rare but for very good reason. My image was barely imprinting on anyone's mind, it was footprints in the sand, immediately washed away by the sea, they saw me but I was gone within seconds, I was making multiple first impressions in one go if people were swift enough to observe. If someone caught eye contact I would smile at them, otherwise I'd keep my head tall and my expression distant; it takes a lot of effort to look as disconnected as I do. Don't ask why I decided to waltz down the busiest street in the city centre before going on my rambling lonely walk, it seemed like a good start, I'd be traversing empty streets not long after.

Let it be known, I make an excellent first impression, it all goes down hill once someone gets to know me. I either let someone in too fast, or I keep them at arms length for too long, either way they get sick of me and leave. It's satisfying making first impressions on people, I know I can do that well, it's a skill, I have a warm smile, mildly attractive features, and an impulse to always act kind first and only be rude to those deserving of my revulsion; I know this, it's why I know I make a good first impression. This makes my job as a waitress way easier because I manifest an immediate air of approachability to make people at ease with me, then they can ask of me whatever they desire and I'll be happy to help, in a strictly hospitality capacity. There is a deep mistrust of myself which I can't shake; I don't like going further than the initial observation, my mistrust is placed in a strong belief I'll mess everything up, it has grown into a distinct self-loathing, other factors feeding this all the time. I care too much about what people think of me; I know most of them barely even consider me, it just matters if a person likes me, it's why I spend hours pondering what to write on this blog and then delete entries and tweak things and change my mind often. Still can't believe I put Donnie Darko in my top ten, how stupid am I? When I thought of making a blog I didn't think anyone would actually look at it, now I have a view counter, well that just drives me crazy. Damnit now I'm going off on a tangent.

Anyways, this is why I like first impressions so much, I know that 90% of the time I give off a positive first impression. This is blatantly shallow of course, getting under the surface is always a terrifying prospect for me, it's a mess of regrets and bad memories, they just come spilling out and ruin everything, so a first impression is fine, there's no need to go any further. Knowing at least someone somewhere might have walked past me and vaguely thought, she looks nice, is just enough, even if it's a pervy man or a distracted lady. I need validation, even if it's not confirmed validation, I need to know in my head that there is a chance someone, somewhere in the world likes me. Go figure, I'm lonely and needy, shock.Why do you think I have a blog in the first place?

Being alone is fine. It gives me time to think about such things, to walk, to roam, to do nothing and be nothing more than I am, which is mostly alone, a little bit eccentric and whimsical, I like that, even if others don't, it's not a side I let out often. So once I've walked past all the glancing gazes I get lost and find some quiet places to just walk. Go figure, even when I'm surrounded by people I'm happiest being observed and ignored. It's a contradictory existence but it's one I've come to accept. Now I do believe I've rambled quite enough for one blog so I'll leave it at that. I thought I'd just open up a little about my personal exploits as I hadn't done so for a while, not fully anyways. It's a waste of time but it's my own sad odyssey and for one day, today, being alone didn't totally suck; I felt quite at peace.