Ineptitude

I am the clumsiest person on the planet lately, I have no idea why. I thought it was a chemical imbalance, like perhaps my drinking had led me to this sorry state but to be honest... I haven't drank an alcoholic beverage in about four days, and I haven't been actually drunk for a couple of weeks now. Wait... No, I've always been clumsy but lately it's been more apparent. I always have bruises on my shins and knees and I have no idea when they happened.

So here's a list of the accidents I've had in the past couple of weeks.

• Hands are covered in scratches from shifting and moving boxes during deliveries and arranging chopsticks. My hands are the roughest least feminine hands ever, I have never moisturised them consistently and I have done a lot of heavy work with them... Currently I have about five unexplained scratches between my hands. 
• Speaking of which I broke my nail shifting boxes, managed to rip it down to size with painful results.
• Dropped a bottle of wine on my ankle.
• Kicked coffee table, that was a hangover incident but I still have a massive cut on toe.
• There was the miso soup tray incident I'm still getting laughs about. Fine, I cried, sure the customers were surprised, I made a right ole bloody mess. Apart from one person at work everyone else, even people who weren't on shift, asked me if I was ok the proceeding days because it had been such an event/scene.
• Smashed some glasses at work, obviously you can drop the damn things on the floor and they bounce right back, but you accidentally tip them over on the counter and they smash into a zillion pieces - irritating.
• Burnt my hand on the pan when I was making an omelette. Didn't realise until later and there was a perfect curve across my hand from where I pressed it against the pan. Omelette was burnt too...
• The broom/dustpan thing spontaneously broke in my hands... Or I kicked it. I can't recall what happened first, but it's definitely dead.
• Dropped my keys down the elevator shaft. Silly me carelessly dropping my coat, picking it up, the keys fall, it was all in slow motion, like I didn't think it would happen so had delayed reaction... Oh and to retrieve the keys I would have to pay over £500 to get the chaps in to do fish them out, it's a tough two man job and the charges would amount to way too much money - told the concierge her humour was extremely dark. Paid £30 instead to replace keys and fob.
• Spilled tea all over computer at the Citizen's Advice Bureau. Such charitable people of course were more concerned that tea was getting all over my scarf I had carelessly left on the floor... The keyboard did not come out of the situation so well, neither did my carefully collated paperwork for my assessment. It now has a nice 'vintage' feel, at least that's what I told my supervisor, she admired my wit, although previously I had been hiding under the computer desk and had to be coaxed out; if anything I keep them entertained there.
• I burnt my mouth on my pizza...

Ok I ran out of examples at the end. Although my mouth really hurts. I'm done being useless. Now I think about it, all my statements about not being allowed in the kitchen near hot/sharp objects are completely justified, luckily people just laugh at me when I tell them this, except I'm not joking. I'm shit at cooking too.

Trinity

Writing a blog is so frustrating lately. I've written about five drafts and refused to publish them because they make absolutely no sense and my life is so dull there is no way to inject any wit or excitement into it. Words fail me. Writing is hard for me, I love talking to people, or at least summing things up to them in a funny way. Once the words are written down I have to keep editing myself, I think what I've said is useless or boring so I delete it. When I'm at work I speak without thinking, I can inject a pause, a smile, some awkward hand movements, I can create a persona, an appearance of jolly idiotic waif. I used to be a ghost because I barely said anything to anyone, I had no discernible traits about myself and something I've learnt over the past few months is that embracing my faults and my oddities makes me a much more interesting person; if self-deprecating. I'm quite happy having no direction, I'm fine being rubbish at things, I'm happy to be unfit and a bit confusing and lost. At least it's something, at least I can admit these things, I don't mind being imperfect as long as I know this and I have something to say. Which is annoying because when I write a blog I feel like nothing I say is remotely worth acknowledging. So there's something to add to my list...

So here's a quick sum up of the three posts I never actually got round to posting, fun? No?

Of course not!

Plea

I wrote this when I was upset because in the grand space of two days I had two prospective job offers, then two weeks later I had heard nothing. Of course this led to me drinking and tossing and turning and wondering what exactly I could possibly have done to warrant this ignorance, cue drunken rambling entry. As it turns out my current job status is still a bit up in the air, but there is a solid ground rapidly approaching, I only hope I land on my feet. The blog ended with me asking myself, why I thought I was special, of course this is not the case, I am not special. Oh and if anyone cares, I shall not be leaving the waitressing world just yet, my degree is still gathering dust and my volunteer work is giving me confidence and a desire to actively do something charitable with my life, but for now a waitress is all I will be.

Fervour

This was another one where I wrote about my religious beliefs. I was looking at cathedrals, remember that? I ranted about how nothing lasts in this world, none of us will leave anything tangible behind for history to remember us. The reason I still cling to religious belief is because as a history student I find comfort in the great span of tradition, sure it's outdated, pointless and unnecessary in our modern world, but a thread of the past stays with me, and with it a respect. It feels like most people are so concerned with themselves, their futures, they don't acknowledge the millions of others who have lived out the same petty existences. I went on to describe how no one is unique, but that something that connects me to that grand history of anonymity keeps me safe. I was sad when I wrote that too... But I have an admiration for tradition, and a respect for the past and for those who have experienced it. At 22 it's probably a bit lame to say, I respect my elders ho-ho-ho but I do, even if talking to old people tends to make me sad inside, I still have a great affection for someone who has simply gone about living their life and is still here to happily tell their tale; my point being, I don't mind listening. It was an odd blog, hence why I didn't really want to post it.

First Love

Oh man, this was a fun one. I was a teenager, like fourteen going on sixteen, I fell for a guy who could play bass, who wore a coat because it made him look like The Doctor (ten at the time), he was detached and cool and all those things I found interesting about a guy, he had the floppy brown hair and eyes... Well I have an affection for eyes in general. I pined for him for ages, he had his own attentions pinned to someone else. Time happened and we eventually ended up somehow 'going out'. It didn't last two weeks, but the we would go to the park and lie on the grass and stare at the sky and the trees, we would chastely kiss but I discovered we had literally nothing to say to each other. We just talked lamely about the weather... So I dumped him... Go figure.

This in turn led to me discussing how I was ghost back then, I had no discernible personality I was just an agreeable happy wall with no thoughts or opinions or feelings of my own. I just followed what everyone else was doing; I was nothing. Oh yes, we're back to that. It has taken me a long time to carve an identity out what I've got but I'm getting somewhere. I feel better for it. Watch this space...

Insight

Dreamt I was in a dystopian future, very vivid dream. The world was halved by a giant mechanical wall, gargantuan and impenetrable. Both halves equally technologically advanced, steampunk stylised, faceless guards armed to the hilt, hard black cold exteriors, searchlights piercing the dark skies... I was having sex with a security guard in a broom cupboard.

Unwarranted insight into my brain.

Reality

CAB was good today, I was the only Gateway Assessor available so I was given some trainees to sit in with me. They were to observe my technique and how I handled interviews. It was terrifying and exciting but I joked and laughed about it, they thought I was confident. The first girl was 19 in her second year of a history degree - cue embarrassing conversations about my wasted potential. It should take six months for an assessor to get signed off, I'm still waiting, but because I've been there so long they are happy for trainees to watch, so there was that awkward explanation, then there was the part where I inadvertently let slip I was effectively doing nothing with my history degree and was an aimless nothing. She was going into law, full of heady ideals and hopes of getting a career, I was equally optimistic but tripped over myself trying to explain why I hadn't actually done anything with my life... That interview went well. She went off to sit with someone else.

Second trainee was an older lady, it was her first ever observation, I was going to colour her perceptions, it went fine. The second was a woman who wanted help filling in a DLA form, it took longer to get her an appointment and she told me how her appendix had been hurting and the doctors had done nothing and one thing led to another and now her whole stomach has somehow exploded and she has a machine with wires hooked up to her. Trainee looked scared. I was scared. She was happy that we could help her though. Another interview before I left. Horrible. Couldn't help the people, and kept them waiting, woman was getting operation, needed the social services to fit a walk-in shower, they kept putting it off. Basically had to explain to them there wasn't much to be done, tried to offer a later appointment, the client then lambasted me and walked out in a barely contained rage. The only thing that stopped me from crying was the trainee sitting in the corner of the room, she came over and I proceeded to explain to her that sometimes we can't help people and they will understandably be very upset, but that's a lesson she should learn before getting to invested in this. She just listened to me prattle on. I gave her a little speech about how we're not magicians and can't wave a wand and fix people's problems, sometimes it has to get worse before it can better and all that. Went into the worker's room with her after filling out report and the Supervisor gave her a very similar speech when she said it had been awful.

Came home and had a cup of tea and a large chocolate bar. Dealing with things much better these days I think... I don't know. I've realised talking to people largely doesn't help, it makes being alone much easier.

Nostalgia

Is it odd to find yourself in a different place in a different time, to find yourself hurtling into the past but maintaining your sense of self. I had a weird moment, it's ongoing, I'm sitting with my headphones in, music blaring, and I feel like I'm sitting in my bedroom back in 2006 when I was 16, but I know everything I know now, I'm just there... I know every word, I know every beat, I feel the thick air of my dusty bedroom around me, I just close my eyes and I'm there... There are posters on the ceiling of boys I fancy from bands I adore, there is an old flag for my home town's football team hanging behind me, price stickers from every DVD or CD I had bought with the money I earned at my weekend job adorn the dressing table by my bed, everything is a mess; I still have cuddly toys on my bed, every surface in my room is stacked with things I've either stolen or hoarded or DVDs or books or clothes, even the floor... I'm not wearing make up, I'm not dressed up, my hair is cropped shorter with layers, I'm not trying to be anything, I'm a blank canvas. But I open my eyes and I'm twenty two, I wear make up as a mask, I layer on eye-liner to make myself look different, because different is better than ordinary, I have rent to pay, bills, washing to sort out, a life to plan, a future to hurtle towards, I have battle wounds, I have regrets...

But hearing this music, I am that carefree idiot, I'm that person who was so uncertain of herself she didn't stop to ask who she was, she just kept chugging along happy without answers, happy to be a combination of qualities she figured other people wanted her to be, a blank page, an empty head. My crowning achievement; knowing every word to every song on these albums. See the dirty little secret was that before the shit hit the fan I was so boring, nothing happened to me until after I turned 17, before that I had nothing to define myself.; it was before life got hard, before things took a turn, before I started regretting things. God. Does it hurt that the lyrics now make more sense to me than they did before? Is it weird that this music probably means more now? Yeah it's weird... If you could go back and tell your sixteen yourself anything... Would you? I would tell myself to be more confident, I was always so uncertain, I never asserted myself, I was so clueless, I let people walk all over me. I've changed so much since then, I'm a completely different person, I have so many more flaws, I've made so many mistakes, and some days that puts me into a crippling depression, other days I wear my scars like trophies, because I will never be hurt like that again, I've learnt lessons. Because even through all of that I have come out of it something more if that makes sense, I might be a mess, I might be a disaster, I might be depressed, I might have a terrible reputation, I might be weird, unpredictable, emotional, unstable... but that's because something happened, I've changed, perhaps not for the better, but I'm more than I was. I made concious decisions, good or bad, I followed them through, I decided to go with what felt right consequences be damned, I'd never have done that at 16. I'll always yearn for those carefree days but sometimes I'm happy being the mess I am, even if that means I'm not exactly likeable, that makes me something more than a cipher, it makes me a person, a character, a reality, not a blank page. There is some good parts too, there must be, some people stick around. So odd as it sounds... Listening to music I loved as a teenager is more satisfying because the songs are about dissatisfaction with growing up, with romance, with strange beguiling emotions I'm only still figuring out myself, I'm a teenager at heart, I haven't got it figured it out yet. I could spend a lifetime wishing I was still carefree and hapless but I'm somewhat happy to know I've grown... Into a right old mass of contradictions, strange but true.

A funny thing about me, I'm having an intimate love affair with familiarity. It's ongoing, I've been more intimate and in love with familiarity than anything else I've ever known. Change is that devilish delight on a motorbike who frequently visits, I'm enchanted by it sometimes, other times I've horrified by the prospect. Most of the time I stick to what is familiar, what is safe, because I'm comfortable, and happy, and relaxed when I'm in a familiar environment. I will always circle back to the same music at the end of the day, the same songs, the same books, the same films, the same games, because I know them intimately and I love how they make me feel. At one point they were shiny and new but that time has gone, they have merged into my past and become things that were always there. As a child I always hated change, my parents will tell stories with hilarious regularity about my reactions to the new car, getting rid of the cots, decorating various rooms, new clothes... That's why when I'm listening to music not only am I transported to my past life, I'm also ridiculously at ease and happy...

Nostalgia will be the death of me.

Reactions

Can I just say something I realised the other day when I was reading over my own blog. Even if I am the only person who reads this thing it needs to be clarified. Until I learn to actually write somewhat professionally the films/books/games/TV, whatever I talk about on here, aren't actually reviews. They are more my personal reactions, I try to be thoughtful and critical but as it turns out it's more my personal feelings about the film, they prompt me to go off on rambling tangents most of the time. So. Not reviews, reactions! Got it? Good.

Rigmarole

You ever had a moment when you're walking along and suddenly a word pops into your head, and you love it, and realise it's the best word that ever existed. That's what happened today, I was walking along minding my own business, looking left to right and just roaming pointlessly with no destination, and a word just came into my mind, perfect spelling, perfect knowledge of the word, as if I just invented  it, but I know I didn't. It's a strange sensation, a nice one. Rigmarole...

Walking is something I do to clear my head, it makes me feel good. I used to walk along the cliffs by the sea when I lived in Sunderland, my home-town. I could walk for miles, for hours, the sea crashing against the cliffs, the wind in my hair, the horizon on one side and endless scenery on the other, mostly fields and the sky; it kept me at peace. It was either walking or riding my bike, when things got rubbish at home that's what I'd do, I'd escape and roam by the sea.

Now I have nowhere to go, I live in the middle of a city, a relatively big city, not huge, but big enough that I can walk for an hour and still be surrounded by the streets, the cars, the roads. It didn't take long to find a park, but the trees didn't last forever, still surrounded by streets, by people... It's impossible to be completely alone here, can't say it's something I like, I miss the solitude, the nature, it was always so beautiful. Walking around the city doesn't have the same soothing affect, but getting lost and not knowing where I am, that's quite a nice feeling; alone and lost, no responsibility, no concerns, just walking.

So when I'm not sure what to do it just makes sense to go for a walk. A long rambling pointless walk; which is what I did today. A gentleman approached me, whilst I was wandering along an unimpressive street, gazing up at the trees reaching into the sky lining the pavements. I was quite shocked when he stopped me and asked for directions, I apologised to him, in my sincerest voice I said, 'I'm sorry, I'm getting lost.' His expression was quizzical for the an almost imperceptible second and then he smiled and nodded and I walked away. Probably not my best first impression...

When you're on your own you have no reason to be anything more than what you want to be, it's quite liberating. Today I wore a skirt that my boyfriend and my mum hate even though I'm quite fond of it, makes me look old apparently, I put a pink lipstick on which I wouldn't dare to use unless I was going out drinking and had the utmost confidence it would be gone within a short period of time; I left my hair loose and my fringe, which is now obscuring my vision but I'm far too lazy to get it cut, flopping over my eyes. Off I went into the world, my first port of call, walking with an air of confidence through a sea of people down the busiest street in the city of town and kept my eyes up, I waltzed past the crowds and felt completely at ease in myself, very rare but for very good reason. My image was barely imprinting on anyone's mind, it was footprints in the sand, immediately washed away by the sea, they saw me but I was gone within seconds, I was making multiple first impressions in one go if people were swift enough to observe. If someone caught eye contact I would smile at them, otherwise I'd keep my head tall and my expression distant; it takes a lot of effort to look as disconnected as I do. Don't ask why I decided to waltz down the busiest street in the city centre before going on my rambling lonely walk, it seemed like a good start, I'd be traversing empty streets not long after.

Let it be known, I make an excellent first impression, it all goes down hill once someone gets to know me. I either let someone in too fast, or I keep them at arms length for too long, either way they get sick of me and leave. It's satisfying making first impressions on people, I know I can do that well, it's a skill, I have a warm smile, mildly attractive features, and an impulse to always act kind first and only be rude to those deserving of my revulsion; I know this, it's why I know I make a good first impression. This makes my job as a waitress way easier because I manifest an immediate air of approachability to make people at ease with me, then they can ask of me whatever they desire and I'll be happy to help, in a strictly hospitality capacity. There is a deep mistrust of myself which I can't shake; I don't like going further than the initial observation, my mistrust is placed in a strong belief I'll mess everything up, it has grown into a distinct self-loathing, other factors feeding this all the time. I care too much about what people think of me; I know most of them barely even consider me, it just matters if a person likes me, it's why I spend hours pondering what to write on this blog and then delete entries and tweak things and change my mind often. Still can't believe I put Donnie Darko in my top ten, how stupid am I? When I thought of making a blog I didn't think anyone would actually look at it, now I have a view counter, well that just drives me crazy. Damnit now I'm going off on a tangent.

Anyways, this is why I like first impressions so much, I know that 90% of the time I give off a positive first impression. This is blatantly shallow of course, getting under the surface is always a terrifying prospect for me, it's a mess of regrets and bad memories, they just come spilling out and ruin everything, so a first impression is fine, there's no need to go any further. Knowing at least someone somewhere might have walked past me and vaguely thought, she looks nice, is just enough, even if it's a pervy man or a distracted lady. I need validation, even if it's not confirmed validation, I need to know in my head that there is a chance someone, somewhere in the world likes me. Go figure, I'm lonely and needy, shock.Why do you think I have a blog in the first place?

Being alone is fine. It gives me time to think about such things, to walk, to roam, to do nothing and be nothing more than I am, which is mostly alone, a little bit eccentric and whimsical, I like that, even if others don't, it's not a side I let out often. So once I've walked past all the glancing gazes I get lost and find some quiet places to just walk. Go figure, even when I'm surrounded by people I'm happiest being observed and ignored. It's a contradictory existence but it's one I've come to accept. Now I do believe I've rambled quite enough for one blog so I'll leave it at that. I thought I'd just open up a little about my personal exploits as I hadn't done so for a while, not fully anyways. It's a waste of time but it's my own sad odyssey and for one day, today, being alone didn't totally suck; I felt quite at peace.

Resolution

• Help more people.
• Earn more money.
• Lose belly fat.
• Watch more films/read more books/learn more things.
• Be less upset.

Listing

So I figured if I could list my top ten Community episodes, and I do spend a fair bit of time criticising films on this blog, I should list my favourite films. The list is in a constant flux, it's not so much something that I rank as much as there is a list and the number one constantly changes. It used to be the same as my favourite Final Fantasy, it would change each time I played any game, I would fall in love all over again and depending on which game I was in the middle of playing, that would be my favourite. Just to clarify over the years it has become abundantly apparent that the ninth instalment of Final Fantasy is by far my favourite, I know that game more intimately than anything I've ever experienced. So with my favourite film it largely depends on which I've watched most recently as to which would be my favourite overall, my number one, the one I would tell people if a quick-fire conversation resulted in a favourite film question.

I've noticed whilst compiling this list, there are a few outliers but overall I would say I'm a quirky romance fan, not a rom-com fan, there has to be a bit more to the film, I'm relieved to find I'm a romantic at heart. Sometimes I surprise even myself so hey I have learnt something today as well, sharing is caring I've been told. Also my old chum Charlie Kaufman seems to feature heavily in the list, let's give the man a hand, he really does write films in a unique and mind bending way and his best works are when he teams up with a visually creative director, I give you Spike Jonze and Michel Gondry, combined they make amazing movies well worth compulsory viewing for all film fans. Unfortunately Kaufman's solo project 'Synechdoche New York' was something I took my, then relatively new, boyfriend to see and we both spent the hours during and after scratching our heads. It was more an ideas film and, as most films I love do, it took itself far too seriously and it's message was somewhat lost on me. The events that took place required more suspension of disbelief than I was willing to allow, it was all just too bizarre, too unrealistic, too alien a concept for me. Perhaps I'll watch it again some day but at the time I was sorely disappointed with the wasted Catherine Keener and I spent most of the film imagining turning Philip Seymour Hoffman into a human pin cushion, that was possibly the only satisfying aspect of watching it...So needless to say, that won't feature in my list, someday I might realise it's genius but for now I'm happy to acknowledge it as something I quite simply did not get.

So this took a lot longer to write than I anticipated, it's been about two weeks since I started writing it and the list has gone through numerous iterations, these are the ones I've settled on. Obviously looking through there was more to said for some than others but they all stand to be named my favourite films; it's gotten to the point now where I've given up editing and deleting certain statements and tinkering with my opinions... I've never had such an instance where I've written so many compliments, so many superlatives, so much love in one go, quite a new experience for me. It's been harder work than I expected, it's rare that I list things as I see it as a waste of time but knowing what my favourite films are and acknowledging my unbridled affection for them has been quite enjoyable. Go figure, I might do more lists in the future. Oh and I didn't number them, there is no order here, just chaotic cinematic enjoyment.

Being John Malkovich

So this was a film I inadvertently watched one night whilst channel surfing and landed upon some guy getting punched in the face for enacting a lewd puppet show in the street. It was odd but for some reason, perhaps my sleep deprived reasoning, I thought it looked like a fun film. So I continued and discovered that the odd puppet scene wasn't the most bizarre thing that happened in this film, as soon as Octavia Spencer helped pry open the lift on floor 7 1/2 the film continued to get better and better. God, do you ever wish you could watch your favourite film for the first time again? This is a film which constantly surprised, amused and entertained and I only wish I could have the pleasure of being surprised again, literally it's something that rarely happens in films, there is always a logic, a well versed sequence of events, this film just does whatever the hell it wants and doesn't need anything more than your rapt attention.The unsurpassed Catherine Keener, the uglied Cameron Diaz, John Fucking Malkovich! All providing roles which were different and yet still entertaining, it must have taken me about half an hour to realise that frizzy haired girl was Cameron Diaz, the days when she was young and effortlessly beautiful... So long ago... This was also Spike Jonze directorial debut having mainly specialised in awesome music videos before this, the screenplay was my bud Charlie Kaufman, together they made a visually mind-bending amazing piece of cinema. As I mentioned previously, for Kaufman's ideas to translate to screen successfully he needs a director with visual flair and an uninhibited imagination, it's not quite the dizzying heights of Michel Gondry but there is a fun and entertaining way Jonze uses the camera to convey certain scenes. It never ceases to entertain me in it's audacious insanity and just how much fun a film can be when its clawing around under your skin and taking over your soul. Kaufman as always takes the opportunity to plumb some deep and philosophical questions, the reality of self, the possibility of a soul, the quest for immortality and wraps it around the profession of a puppeteer. There's a bit of food for thought there, but the characters, and you the viewer, are too busy being dragged along by the events to pause to think until the last scene when you suddenly stop and think. The end always gives me chills, I love a pessimistic ending, even if this one is disturbing for so many reasons.

Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind

This battles for the number one spot in my heart, in fact this is the film I would respond with as my favourite film ever over and over again. It used to be a battle between that and Lost in Translation, this one won out more times that not due to time shading my opinions on the components of Translation, Bill Murray kept it near the top though. More about this film, this is essentially Charlie Kaufman writing a romance film, it's heartbreakingly realistic and yet somewhat fairytale in the fact that the core premise of the film is two lovers go to and have their memories erased of one another, but in true fairy tale fashion they realise that even though their relationship decayed, as many do, they still love one another deep down and find themselves being tugged back together unconsciously. They aren't perfect but they make each other so happy and that happiness and love is worth the decay and disappointment that comes with a long term relationship, it's worth it because there is a deep connection, an understanding and sometimes a lack of, over time this leads to resentment but when it's good, it was amazing. It's love. I can't describe enough how much I adore this film from the soundtrack to the cinematography (and godamnit I hate that word...) to the small minute details that make watching it over and over again so satisfying. We can thank Michel Gondry for the visual quirks of the film which make it so beautiful, this is my favourite Kaufman film because of it's beating heart but it wouldn't be anywhere near as touching if it wasn't for the wordless visual notes throughout. It's quite a sight to behold to watch memories as they decay, and of course when desperation leads Joel trying to salvage his love for Clementine by searching his own mind looking for inventive places to hide her, to keep her. It's a beautiful breathtaking film and the sentiment is so heartbreakingly true. This can all be put down the imaginative and always inventive directing of Michel Gondry, this man is officially one of the most creative beings in film in this day and age, he has such an unsurpassed visual flair, it's pared down in this particular outing but it works to great effect with Kaufman's screenplay, the story itself is steeped in true sentiment whereas visually it's fun and a bit bizarre at times but never too outrageous (although it can be weird there is a logic to it...) where the film lacks in humour it more than makes up for in what it shows you. Michel Gondry excels at bizarre yet memorable imagery and with the beating heart of the film making you feel something it's unique that the visuals also manage to create an indelible impression. It's such a good film even the periphery players get something to do, Kirsten Dunst and Mark Ruffalo have a bit of fun, Elijah Wood playing a suitably creepy pathetic character and Tom Wilkinson doing us all a favour and being fantastic as always. Let's not forget the leads, Kate Winslet in my favourite role of hers to date, she was Oscar Nommed for this and didn't win, a travesty and the only serious Jim Carey role in which he really shone and behaved like a believable human being, there are still some uniquely Jim Carrey moments no other actor could pull off but he is just so different, so vulnerable, so human. I could spend all day gushing about this film so I won't. It's perfection and it's deep down in my heart of hearts, my favourite film. But shhh...

Casino Royale

So, this blog is fully aware of my love of Mr James Bond. In many years to come my perceptions of the Bond films might change, Skyfall was an incredible film by any standard but it has come to Casino Royale to be placed in my favourite film list. I could watch this over and over and still be entertained. Perhaps it's the beguiling Eva Green and her bewitching eyes, perhaps it's the whole fun of watching a poker game among the most rich and powerful cartoonish men in the world, perhaps it's seeing Bond as a brash start out bulldozing his way through, perhaps it's the finale taking place in Venice the most beautiful city I have ever had the joy of visiting and rambling through, so many reasons... It did what it set out to do, it created a new legacy, a new start, and introduced a new Bond, the unsurpassable Daniel Craig. Those chipped ice blue eyes, that manly physique, the fact that he can wear a dinner jacket and look so incredibly dashing but also be rough and ready for an action sequence. Bah. I could spend forever ranting about why I love this film, it's a thrill ride of excitement and it's awesome, I could watch it repeatedly, forever. It doesn't need much more said to be honest, if you've ever seen it you know why it not only makes for an excellent Bond film but also a brilliant action film.

Fight Club

When I was but a teenager, an angry, not quite rebellious soul... Well at some point around when I turned 13 I thought I discovered an author called Chuck Palahniuk, the thing is I actually thought I had discovered him, like before that moment in time no one else had heard of him... Although the book shop was selling his books and this was in 2003, Fight Club had already been written, filmed and already made a modest return in the cinema although not being quite as successful as 20th Century Fox would have liked... Then becoming a cult classic on VHS/DVD... Where was I? Oh right, so I quite avidly read all of Palahniuk's bibliography up to that point obsessively, Invisible Monsters and Diary are by far my favourite of his but Fight Club was the one translated into a cinematic masterpiece. I'll grudgingly thank David Fincher for that, I never forgave him for the bloated and frankly awful Benjamin Button, but here he excels at creating a coherent and enjoyable adaptation of Palahniuk's book somehow making it even better than the book; now I must say the book has it's merits but it's very rare I find a film adaptation on a par or better than the original text, this one takes the cake. No lies. What more can I say about the film that hasn't already been said to someone trying to get you to watch this film? It has Brad Pitt in it, back when he was a beautiful sculpture of man, not some bearded self-important ponce. I also actually liked Edward Norton in it, you know before he became an old self-important ponce. Why is this film great? Because it has a distinct vibe, a feeling of disillusionment, a desire to break the norm of the disappointing hum-drum day to day, to feel something more, to be something more than what you have come to expect. It's all of course from a masculine view point and this is where the film takes itself far too seriously. We are lead to believe that the disillusioned are being led by a criminally insane schizophrenic mastermind and the film consistently tries to ensure us that this could be possible. It's not, it's hilarious nonsense but the fact that it takes itself so achingly seriously is amusing in itself, it has time to laugh a little but not enough, so I find myself laughing at Tyler Durden pontificating and the reality of Brad Pitt being the exact thing Durden is railing against. The inclusion of the unhinged Marla Singer, played to perfection by Helena Bonham Carter, somewhat gives us a reprieve, there are women damaged enough in the world to fall for those insane lunatics roaming around too, watching her performance is heartbreaking as she tries to grapple with the man she seems to care about somewhat and lets trample all over her, and yet the film plumbs humour from her confusion. It's all so gleefully ridiculous and most importantly immoral! Hence why it's fun... The best part of the film is the translation the fact that Palahniuk himself admitted he only decided midway through the book to have the two characters be one person means the suspension of disbelief is even harder to grasp, the film visually tries to ensure the twist isn't quite as baffling and as hard to believe when it is finally revealed. Palahniuk himself believes the end of the film surpasses that of his book, with the Pixies singing Where is My Mind, it is, plus it's much more fun.

Lost in Translation

Ah... Sofia Coppola*, daughter of Francis Ford Coppola, progeny of one of the most influential families in Hollywood, no surprises she chose this as her profession. Of course having film coursing through your genes doesn't necessarily make you talented, you need a lot of things to craft a good film, a film that will inspire, that will be cherished and loved. There are several reasons this film is a head and shoulders above the rest of Sofia Coppola's filmography, it has a personal connection**, it has heart, it takes place in Japan, predominantly Tokyo which is stunning, the soundtrack is impeccably chosen, and most importantly, crucially, unforgettably, it has Bill Murray, my man. I know I spent a long time ranting about the brilliant Sam Rockwell but there isn't an actor out there that I have the same affection for as I do Bill Murray, the man is a legend. He is perfection, he is ... I'll be gushing if I continue, you can't understand how much I love the man, it's a personal thing, butt out. It took a long time to realise this but I realised what Sofia Coppola's other films were missing: Charisma. Luckily Bill Murray has that in spades, he also has unsurpassed acting skill. The film is minimalist in the fact that there is barely any story, it's just two people bumping into one another in a Tokyo hotel and gradually making a connection through their shared loneliness and disconnection. It trundles along at a leisurely pace and the thing that keeps your attention that grows and develops is the relationship between Bob and Charlotte, Charlotte being played by Scarlet Johansson. Everything about this film is understated, the performances, the direction, the music, the story, it's a subtle piece of cinema and it's just beautiful. The best thing is watching Bill Murray propel the film with his wearied expression, his lost eyes, his warmth and charisma... And without fail I will be reduced to tears at the end of this film, every time, it's the only film I will ever cry at the end. The tears aren't sad, they are happy, tears of understanding, because you don't want something so comforting, so beautiful to end, similar to the protagonists perhaps. Jesus and the Mary Chain kicks in with Just Like Honey, I'm a blubbering mess, it's one of my favourite films because I feel something.

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Ah hello Charlie Kaufman, my old bud. I may have mentioned it previously, Kaufman will forever hate this movie because Clooney essentially ruined it. Well, he changed it, significantly, I'm not going to complain, it was a great film, a largely ignored one, but a film I adore, it has the Kaufman flair, but it also has a visual assuredness, essential when translating a Kaufman screenplay to the big screen. Clooney's directorial debut, his best outing as a director I believe, mainly because he's not a massive integral piece of any part of the film, it would fall apart without Kaufman's screenplay and Rockwell's performance, I believe. Goodnight and Good Luck would follow which was a very impressive take on Edward R Murrow's attack against Senator McCarthy in the 50s, ah them were the days, and that was a good film, then it all went downhill, Leatherheads was rubbish and Ides of March painfully unimpressive and somewhat angering in it's standpoint, my feminist fury flaired watching that film. Luckily in Confessions he gets so many things right. It's stylistic, it's audacious, it's unbelievable, it's hilarious and ridiculous but it takes itself soooo seriously. The whole thing is one long deadpan joke, the humour comes from the fact that it is trying to make you believe it is telling a true story. I'm a massive fan of the 60s/70s, it was such a tumultuous period and this encapsulates the insanity going on at the time. A basic explanation, I'll try and give the film a running start to entice people to watch it. Chuck Barris, an idiot born in the 50s falls into the decades of opportunity and tries to forge a career in television mainly because he figures that will get him laid, this is his sole purpose for the first segment of his existence. He comes up with an idea for a dating show, it's Blind Date, three prospective partners behind a screen, a contestant asks them questions then chooses one to go on a date with all without seeing their face. Man wasn't that a good show? I miss Cilla Black... Anyhoo it doesn't get picked up straight away, there are set backs, he meets George Clooney who then has him trained as an assassin/secret spy... He gets the show produced finally and hey presto he's living a double life with Drew Barrymore being his lover throughout. The twist is when the show gets picked up they have to give it a more exciting prize, they send the couples on holidays, and Chuck gets the joy of chaperoning them and of course committing some murders for the US government while he's abroad; perfect alibi, hilarious even! Anyways he continues to make television and his secret agent life unravels as it turns out there's a mole. Did I mention Chuck Barris is a real person who claims this is actually what happened to him? Of course it's beyond far fetched, but it's so deliciously over the top, so beyond stupid, so stylishly done, it's just brilliant to watch! Anyways, I can't say much more so I'll leave it at that, it's such a good film though! And one of my least successful, shame!

Science of Sleep

Now here is another romance film, this time by Michel Gondry, what a surprise! Not quite as fully realised as Charlie Kaufman's outing, but this is a more personal affair for the director. It's a bilingual film too which can be disorientating but Gondry himself is French, I say it's personal because it's more interested in a fatally flawed main character who can't discern reality from dream and who's imagination is a bizarre and intensely creative place. Unfortunately for Gael Garcia Bernal (playing the lead character Stephane) it causes trouble for his burgeoning relationship with Indie cinema darling Charlotte Gainsbourg (she's called Stephanie, coincidence, no?) There isn't a plot so much as Stephane hurtling through a brief stint as a calendar constructor (or something... I haven't watched the film in a long time, so sue me, it's still a favourite of mine) and trying to flirt with his neighbour in the adjoining flat. He is dangerously creative and magical but also paranoid, lost, lonely and a sensitive soul. It's all you could want from a Gondry film, defiantly whimsical and creative and painfully cruel. Stephane can't seem to discern reality from his dreams and bulldozes through the film, all you want if for him and Stephanie to see each other, you just want them to be happy, but the painful reality is that perhaps Stephane can't be happy or satisfied, even in his dreams, it's a shame but it's a truth, it's a possibility, it's an interpretation, it's a film about dreams and life. This is a film that needs to be seen rather than explained I'm afraid, so hop to it.***

Eagle VS Shark

Another not so successful film! To be fair it's from New Zealand, Taiki Waititi is the director writer of this film, I've mentioned him on here previously, I have a bottomless fondness for the man, I have yet to see his most recent film 'Boy' but literally am itching to see it, it's the highest grossing film in New Zealand ever, or something to that effect. Anyways he's hopped over to the US and has recently been directing the US Inbetweeners, horrifically bad translation but we've all got to start somewhere! Plus his signature affection for the oddballs of the world permeate through, as well as his warm unique sense of humour, you know, when the jokes aren't being ripped from the British original... Anyways, to give this film an explanation, it's been frequently compared to Napoleon Dynamite for it's humour because it has a bizarre family, awkward conversations and a story which is practically the most pointless/mundane life thing ever. To compare it to Napoleon Dynamite does this film a massive disservice, this film is fucking amazing and I won't have it tarnished by having it even compared to that American garbage. Ok, I'm exaggerating, Napoleon Dynamite is stupid, Eagle VS Shark has layers, layers of emotion, there is a respect for the characters throughout, sure they are stupid, but their feelings are acknowledged and we are shown some growth through the progress of the film. Of course I have watched this film about 15 times so I know the script and the beats inside and out, but the fact is, I know and care about the characters, this is the closest I get to watching a rom-com when I want to sit with some ice cream, wrapped up in a blanket with the lights low, this is my relaxing need a cheer up film. It's so close to life, but there is a happy whimsical layer over the pains and realities of existence, doesn't stop the fact that these people are dealing with some pretty hard shit, but they all choose to battle on through life without any explanation and yet you can understand their actions. Did I mention this was a stupid film? In fact if anyone watched it they'd think it was weird and pointless and most importantly soooo awkward, but I seriously love this film. The main pair are played by Jarrod (Jemaine Clement of Flight of the Conchords fame - awesome show!!!) and Lily (Loren Horsley - hilariously enough Taika Waititi's wife.) It's fun because Taika Waititi and Jemaine used to be a comedy duo together and are close friends, and of course there is the scene where Jemaine gets to make out with his best friend's wife in front of him, the scene itself is fist bitingly awkward but it's even moreso when you think about the real life implications. Oh and the romance? It's about accepting someone for their flaws, loving someone unconditionally even though they are a jackass, because when you love someone you love everything about them and accept them for who they are, which is something Lily does for Jarrod, she loves him for him. He of course doesn't really realise this but that's because he's a bit of an ignorant tool, but he also develops feelings for her even if he doesn't quite notice until it's almost too late, what's important is that it isn't, and they get together and love each other regardless. It's an imperfect little love story about imperfect people living boring lives, but it literally never fails to put a smile on my face. Why? Because being loved by someone is awesome!****

Wall.E.

Another film about love, because I'm a big softie at heart, except this one is about robots! And a bunch of other stuff, namely the future! Most importantly though, it's a love story! I really don't think there is much to say about Wall.E. that hasn't already been said... I fear I'm being painfully obvious by sticking it on my list... To be honest I couldn't give a stuff. Pixar haven't quite recovered from the impressive one, two punch of Wall.E. and Up, but if this is their best then god help me, I can live quite happily knowing this was created. It's a great film, I could watch Wall.E. and EVE roam around bouncing off one another in endless space until I died, it would be satisfying way to go. To be fair it's the first 40 minutes of the film which put it in my top 10 list, the fact that there is next to no dialogue and we are essentially watching robots wordlessly interact and roam about a wasteland whilst still being undeniably entertained is just mind-boggling and brilliant! Plus the inclusion of the Hello Dolly soundtrack is fun yet apt for the film, it goes as far as cementing Wall.E. as an old style traditional chum slash robot. Funny fact, I honestly thought he might not make it at the end, you know in the cinema, I actually cried, not something I do in the cinema, I actually wailed, 'NOOO WALL.E!!!' Jokes... I'm not that lame... Or am I?

Donnie Darko

Aha! Bet you didn't see this one coming! It was either this or Moon and with a tear in my eye and hint of regret in my heart, this one won out. Richard Kelly would go on to prove that less is more with the frankly baffling and pointless Director's Cut, and of course ruin his reputation with the unfathomably bad Southland Tales, but when I watched Donnie Darko for the first time I honestly thought it was the best film I'd ever seen. I was 14 and it was £3 in a music shop, it was cheaper than a CD and I figured I wouldn't be allowed to buy it being under the restricted age of 15. Luckily I wasn't asked for proof of my age and I watched this film with the honest opinion it was a teen comedy. Oh good god how wrong I was, but the first half hour had me honestly in stitches, if your expectations for this film are nil, then this film is possibly the weirdest most hilarious thing you will ever see. If you find such things as men in bunny suits predicting the end of the world somewhat humorous? You don't? My mind is clearly diseased. Well it was a good day for me, finding this film and then proceeding to insist every person I knew watched it so we could all dissect how truly awesome it actually was. Sure there is some weird wormhole-speak, and the time travel aspects are pretty damn bizarre, but the teen angst, the insane Jake Gyllenhaal, the fact you can watch it again and again and notice tiny minute details which seem completely significant to the purpose of the plot as Donnie Darko hurtles towards his own personal apocalypse make it strangely satisfying film. Of course don't watch the Director's Cut, it begins to de-construct the mystery of the plot by trying to explain itself further and just not making much sense, did I mention less is more? I've never been more impressed by the editing of a film, in fact this film makes it into this list simply by being the best edited film, an award will be sent in the post. The mood of the film, the whole 80s vibe, the fact that it's all so surreal and so twisted just make it so much fun. Trust me, it's just a film worth seeing, there was a point where everyone in my year at school asked 'Have you seen Donnie Darko?' And I would tell them of course, 'I watched it first fools!' No one ever believed me though...

*Married to Spike Jonze who joins her on my list, coincidence, no?  Unfortunately they divorced in 2003 and she would later marry Thomas Mars from the band Phoenix who feature heavily in her soundtracks. She is embroiled in films this woman. 

** I'm making this a footnote for no reason at all but it's based on her father adverstising something in a foreign country, my brain has blanked, I think it was in Japan and it was a whiskey too... Damn my brain.

***To believe is to see, so see this, the Trailer is the best way to explain and to see.

**** I Love You, Awesome - The Phoenix Foundation, Eagle VS Shark OST. Just because.

Family

Funny thing happened today, well the other day. I lost my purse on a night out on the town five minutes after leaving my flat, takes great skill I know, had to cancel my cards. Had a blaring reminder I once again hadn't paid my rent on time. Rang my sister to send my new card to me as the bank still has my home address. Ended up sobbing about money - she asked me if I was ok, obviously this reduced me to a blubbering mess. Seriously, don't ever ask if I'm ok. She offered to give me money. I shouted at her until she rescinded the offer. It's what family is for, they are there to be a buffer against telling actual people your problems. As a unit my family react to problems by providing advice we ourselves don't take and waxing lyrical about the mystery of life, I wouldn't accept their help if they gave it. I would feel guilty taking from them.  Now I'm out of the house its my responsibility to take care of myself, not their's. Today I was tired from not sleeping and emotional from listening to Bob Dylan... Bad combo. Feel stupid, big surprise. This blog is getting more pointless by the day.

Sob Story

I told my boyfriend I spent a lot of time crying last night, he didn't understand why, I told him it was a weird thing, sometimes it just becomes so hard to not cry so I have to let it out. It's a strange sensation, like my well hath runneth over. It's not that I'm sad about anything that I can help, sometimes it just occurs. A lot of the time it's because I've drank something with alcoholic content, most of the time... My mind goes to sad and desperate places that have no relation to my own predicament, although I'm not above feeling incredibly sorry for myself, that's quite often, I also sob about other people, and a few random things. So I compiled a short list of things that do make me cry, apart from the obvious wounds, hormones and pity parties.

Pregnant women.
Spilt milk.
Lonely people.
The smell of sea salt.
Lost in Translation - the movie, it's the only film without fail to have me a quivering wreck at the end.
Cold baths.
Age Concern - The Charity, mainly the thought that there are people it can't help, I cry thinking of them.
The north wind.
My own selfishness.
Grandma sitting in the kitchen being ignored by her husband and just withering away. I think of that frequently, it makes me hate my granddad.
Cracks in stained glass windows.
People with black eyes.
People who are intentionally cruel.
Injustice.
Eyeliner/Mascara - mostly when I jab myself in the eye, I take it horribly personally.
When people ask if I'm ok when I'm not.
Thinking about children who are alone and afraid.
Not knowing the right thing to say to someone.
Empty churches.
Getting drunk, being around people.
Crying babies.
Songs of Praise.

Oh man that was supposed to be a short list... It goes on though. Probably... It's just off the top of my head at the minute. I've noticed there are a few that remind me of home, a few that are about other people, and there are the ones that make me think of church. I know most people just disregard religion nowadays, it's superfluous, it's not necessary to modern society. It's sad to me that people can be so blasé about faith when for the longest time it was an integral part to society, for better or worse. Plus, it was the only thing that kept me going during my darker moments . Deep down there is a hope, a desire, a need to know that there is a guiding hand, a force bigger than our own, something that brought us to this point, that gave us the gift of thought. It's comforting. I always get extremely religious when someone dies, or I feel lost. I once told someone, when I gave up looking for friends I looked for God. I spent a lot of time reading books about Him, not just the Bible obviously, just books, logic, the history of Christianity, people's unwavering beliefs, it was a great comfort to me for a while. This was the same summer when I would be able to say my only friend outside of my family was an old man living in my Uncle's Bed and Breakfast, he was lonely too, I loved talking to him.

Anyways this actually brings me to my point, I cry because there are people in the world who are hurting, lost, alone, helpless, the thought of them makes me sob. The thought of people who actively do things which hurt others, who don't care that there are people in pain as long as they are happy, that makes me cry, it makes me angry that people can be cruel and selfish and can go out and intentionally do things which affect people's lives for the worse. When I'm angry I cry too. It makes me cry when I feel sorry for myself and I feel selfish because there are people who need help. I can get up and do something, I can try and fix my pathetically insignificant problems, some people just can't, they need help. I have over-active tear-ducts.

If I could protect just about anybody from the pains of loneliness and loss I would. People don't know loneliness until they feel it, they can claim it, they can talk about it, but you just don't honestly know until it consumes you completely with it's unfathomable crushing weight, I don't want anyone to feel that way, I would do anything to stop that feeling from existing in the world. I used to sit and talk to that old man at the Bed & Breakfast because he was alone, his brother died while he was there and he had no other family left, all I wanted to do was to help him. We'd talk about cathedrals, about the wars gone by, paintings, music, lots of old things, I like to think I helped him, just by listening.

The other day at the CAB a volunteer complained that a client was being incredibly rude to him, he felt it necessary to point out to them that he was in fact a volunteer, doing this work for free, giving up his free time to get shouted at by irate individuals. Sometimes the people at the CAB do get upset and wound up and emotional, but I never tell call them out for it, sometimes it's just how people cope. They have no other way to vent than to lash out, and sometimes the situation is pretty difficult and we can't help them outright, people get upset then, all I can do is apologise and in some way direct them to someone who can help. It doesn't matter if they are lashing out and being cruel, I am a mask, I don't let it get to me, well it does, sometimes I get upset but I try my hardest not to let it show; it's not their fault they are upset. I don't tell people I'm a volunteer, a lot of them assume I'm getting paid, that I'm getting something out of it, I honestly just wanted to do something worthwhile and help people. I have no reason to correct them, I'm just there to listen and to help. I volunteered for the Samaritans a while ago, I'm thinking of doing it again in the coming months given the time, they only ask for 4 hours a week which I'm sure I can fit into my schedule, it would be worth it if I could help more people. I already did the training the last time, I'm happy to do it again, it's sitting and listening to people on the phone, people who are on the brink of the worst feeling in the world. All I have to do is listen to them, care about them, and I do, I care if people are at the point of no return, I genuinely want to help them. At the end of the day people don't want to be told to just get over it, or move on, they just want someone to listen. It can be so hard when things get so bad and you have no one to listen to you, when everyone has their opinions, their own problems, it's so difficult to just make sense of things and you can get so lost and lonely. Sometimes you just need someone to just hear you, actually listen and know how hard things are, someone knowing, someone sympathising, it's amazing how hard it can be to find someone to do that sometimes; it does a world of good. I summed it up in my head into a single thought, "They don't want to be fixed, they just want to be heard."

It's funny because a lot of people don't think much of me who know me, they think I'm shallow and selfish, I tend to give off that air I think, a bit air-headed and silly, if people don't like me it's because I've done some pretty stupid shitty things. That's fine. I'm not better than anyone. They know I work at the CAB but as far as they know it's because I can and it's something to do, not because I have this crying/over-thinking problem. Just because I lie awake at night crying because I'm imagining some old lady is freezing to death in her empty cold house, that doesn't make me an entirely good person. I also worry about my life, my boyfriend, my family, money, like anyone would. I do and say stupid things, I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, I do things without thinking, but I try and make things better... They don't know who I am, they don't know me deep down, I don't want to share that part of me. The part that wants to help people is a hurt lonely person, a person who is very vulnerable and shy and doesn't get out much, she just wants to get on, she doesn't talk much but she's always there. As long as I know I'm helping someone in the world it doesn't matter, I know I'm trying and I'm doing it because I want to, not for anyone else. Everyone else can make their assumptions, they don't care much about me anyway, they can think I'm crying because I'm just a neurotic mess, to be honest they aren't far off.

Headache

So... Can't remember much of last night, it was a family gathering to celebrate my parents 25th wedding anniversary. There was a lot of alcohol... We watched the wedding video straight out of 1987... So many ghosts. It must have been a good night because there was a point where I was hugging my grandmother and we were telling each other how much we loved one another in a drunken stupor. Needless to say I've spent today wanting to throw up and cry periodically. Everyone cries at a good wedding don't they?

Revenge

Random ponderings of the massively insecure:

Feel inordinately happy. Probably shouldn't be, it's never a good thing. Discovered a person who I used to know now works at Newcastle Central Station's Starbucks Kiosk, she used to work at my favourite bar in Newcastle so I couldn't ever go there again. Now it's different, I want to go to the tiny cold kiosk and stand, I want to stand tall and ask for a cup of hot water with a tea bag and I want to look awesome. It's revenge, not the best revenge but it'll be sweet... I hope. Probably will just be awkward, or worse, she won't be working when I get off the train...

Many things I do in life are driven by the past, mostly to spite people who have wronged me, she wronged me, and now the only thing I can think to do is go and stand and stare at her unblinking. Well I would blink, otherwise that would just be creepy. Sure my life isn't perfect but I don't spend my free time in a tiny cold kiosk serving people I'd happily punch in the face. I spend that time in a restaurant, so there.

How do you like me now? Yeah bitch, how does it feel seeing me have a life after you nearly fucked it up entirely with your meaningless selfish drama? I can cause just enough drama on my own, thanks, now hand me the tea and don't pour it on my face please?

I wouldn't say all that, I wouldn't say anything, just being there would be revenge enough in my head. In the grand scheme of things I've done questionable things but I've never gone out of my way to be intentionally cruel to someone, I've always been first to forgive and forget. If the situation arises where that's impossible then you move on, but I've gone out of my way to prevent cutting people out of my life (unless they decide to do so) and I've avoided being intentionally malicious. At the end of the day all I can do when someone has wronged me is spite them by existing, by continuing to breathe and live and laugh and try, and to be honest that's the only reason I keep going some days, to prove everyone wrong. Let's be fair, these people I'm spiting don't give me a second thought, but it's a constant ongoing propelling force for me. I continue to struggle onwards to prove, to people who genuinely don't care, wrong. I never speak to them again most of the time, or see them, but I know that just continuing to struggle onwards is a slight against them, they just don't know it, or ever will, so... Yeah pointless. Speaking of pathetic, did I tell you about someone I truly loathe now working in a coffee kiosk? Well, I'm going to go stand there, exist in the space in front of her, she won't know it but it'll be the ultimate insult I can hurl at her. I really need to think of more creative ways to get back at people...

Passing

"Cheer up love, could be worse."
"Sorry?"
"Why the long face?"
"Oh nothing... my face is always like this."*
"You look like your cat died. You should try smiling more."

Everyone walks around with miserable faces, mine seems to be the one which attracts comment though. Just at the supermarket waiting in the queue, minding my own business, some old guy feels the need to pass comment. Why does everyone think I always look sad? I don't really concentrate on what my face is doing when I'm walking around. Apparently I walk like a man anyway, I stomp, I have bad posture, blah blah blah, something else I don't think about but others notice. But to cap it off I look sad all the time too. It's irritating me now, I might have stuff on my mind, I might be thinking about something endlessly happy, I also have my headphones which play my ... well it's not the happiest music, fine, but still it's mine. Just getting through the day, doesn't mean I need to constantly smile whilst outside, I do enough of it at my job and it's seemingly not enough, people notice when I'm not smiling. I almost feel happy for the first time in ages, almost content, almost relaxed, almost like I'm finally making sense of things. But my face, sour unhappy face which naturally seems to be in a perma-scowl, seems to be intent on making the world think I'm still at a point in my life where I would happily walk off a cliff. Go figure, I thought I was moving on, and not off a cliff, to better happier pastures. Perhaps I'm not fooling anyone...

*I was quoting Vivi from Final Fantasy IX. Complete accident but Eiko asks Vivi why the long face and that's his response, and that's how I responded. It's only after it happened I realised I said that, it was so fitting, if the old dude had seem my face after I'd realised that he would have seen delirious joy, shame.

Crossings

So when you're a kid your parents tell you not to cross a bridge. It's dangerous, there's a goblin under it and if you cross he'll eat you. Obviously it's so you don't go running off, logic. But as a child you don't question it, you don't assume the people you love would lie to you. How times change.

Trauma

So, went to get my implant removed, too much information I know. Shouldn't have watched as the local anaesthetic was administered via big scary needle. Definitely shouldn't have observed as the incision was made in my arm with the sharp scalpel. Most certainly shouldn't have watched as the doctor grappled with the extremely slim piece of plastic in my arm and tried to remove it with forceps. The doctor became quite agitated as she couldn't seem to get a grip of it, watched the whole process for twenty minutes as she tried to manoeuvre and squeeze and force the sliver of plastic from the hole in my arm which was pumping blood onto the gauze around it. Couldn't take my eyes off it... I really should have, don't know how this will traumatise me. Perhaps I should have a good stiff drink. Or three.

Today at the Bureau

Taken to calling British citizens 'Britizens' in my head, feel incredibly witty.

Constantly singing 'i before e, except after c' when writing up reports. Writing 'received' or 'did not receive' about 100 times in one day.

Find it extremely awkward when I imagine the person on other end of the phone is extremely attractive. Become bashful. People who blatantly use 'phone voices' entertain me, my phone voice is like an air hostess just without the nasally overtones, at least that's what I think I sound like.

When a big brand company goes into administration expect a lot of phone calls from people wanting money back for faulty goods... *ahem* Comet... Shame it's highly unlikely. If a company goes into administration they first have to pay their debts to the banks and then they go about paying the money they owe people, but as these are not priority debts it's unlikely they'll have the money to do so, otherwise they probably wouldn't have been declared bankrupt and be shutting down. Shame too... There are ways to make claims though, depends on a bunch of factors but that's the gist of it.

A client became very angry and started threatening to steal my telephone which was plugged into the wall, gave it a good yank, blamed my laws for ruining his life, really shouting. My response: getting high pitched and weepy, highly professional, went and grabbed supervisor. My people skills are terrible, it's probably better than shouting back I reasoned. Client realises he behaved inappropriately, didn't apologise, just became very quiet when I gave him an appointment and supervisor had reprimanded him for shouting at me. She told me they wouldn't dare yell at someone who was mature and looked stronger, they just shout at me because they know I'm weak. Maybe I need a buzzcut and tattoos? He did quail terror at her, she is quite intimidating... Surprisingly his problem was a company failing to pay him back for a faulty item after going into liquidation - not Comet. He was so angry.

Thought it incredibly sweet when someone told me their name was Potter, like Harry, *wink*. I am far too easy...

A woman wants to annul marriage because she believes her husband only married her to get a visa. Believes she has grounds as it wasn't consummated, repeated this several times. Went through all the avenues gave her a list of solicitors. At the end of the phone-call she told me she might leave it a year and try and divorce him. My instinct was to ask if she was going to try and consummate the marriage... Felt cruel, said nothing.

Room 529

My Novel, what I have written. It's about a hotel room, or it's set in one, most of the action takes place there, from my personal experience working in a hotel. Plus it means a variety of characters can come in and out of it. I can have extremely long interactions or incredibly short ones. I can have it at any time in a relationship, in a life, I can jump away and jump back. I thought this would make it easier... So far it's like pulling teeth.

• Chapter 1 - A couple are getting ready for their first anniversary, he's ready, she's taking forever. (*805*)
• Chapter 2 - Someone has cleaned the room with great care, it's a boy who's lying on the bed scattered with rose petals, he's alone and he waits until morning, no one comes - a good chance for me to describe the room in detail. It was kind of cruel, I'll admit, the image was such a strong one I couldn't resist. (*1,878*)
• Chapter 3 - A man saying he doesn't do these things often. One sentence. (*1,896*)
• Chapter 4 - Drunken business man after spending an evening at the pub with his suitcase, books into the hotel and finds a seemingly homeless girl sleeping in the bathtub. She's not very talkative but it doesn't stop them striking up a connection. They get drunk off the mini-bar and have sexy times, she of course robs him and he awakes alone, the contents of his wallet missing. (*4,889*)
• Chapter 5 - Man and mistress. The first night they met he recalls she claimed she'd make him love her. He's heading off to work in a jolly good mood because she seems to be the one who is attached and he is doesn't care for her. (*5,656*)
• Chapter 6 - Ramona, my favourite character will get my favourite name, at the minute. She's a chamber maid, she's going to be one of my only recurring characters, currently this is just an introduction. I'm avoiding describing her, she's just griping about the room, it's particularly messy today and she's reasoning it could be worse. It's just an insight into her job without explicitly saying who she is, or what she does, plus it allows me the opportunity to plumb the well of my own experiences cleaning stranger's hotel rooms... Oh so many abandoned diamanté thongs... Introduced fellow chambermaid Julia for my own amusement. (*7,397*)
• Chapter 7 - Gloria has come to the hotel to escape her husband, she is on the phone to him trying to explain why she left. (*7,586*)

The title is working one, it's shite. I'm literally uninspired, I've started this novel and I already despise it. What do people do in hotel rooms aside from have sex and watch TV? It might evolve into a murder mystery... That would be fun... Plus I do love killing characters off for no reason... Ideas on a postcard please.

Fringe Benefits

 

"It's like I'm constantly wearing a hat."

(*3,093*)

So behind...

Lessons

What I have learnt in the past few days:

• Doesn't matter how much vodka you neck, you still can't dance as well as you think you can.
• Going out on Halloween without a costume makes you feel strangely liberated and kind of sexy. Might have been the vodka and excessive dancing though...
• Ramen is crap. I've never been a massive fan of it, but since trying to sell the latest incarnation of Ramen at work it has become apparent I intensely dislike it. Although opening up the menu with a flourish has been fun.
• Don't ever try and talk to a person who for some reason is sitting in the middle of an arcade on a dark windy night. Your attempt at reaching out to a lonely person will result in an altercation with a security guard and you'll learn what he was doing while sitting alone in public, you'll regret shaking his hand and trying to help a person your better judgement suggested stepping over.
• Dancing excessively leads to sore thighs next day.
• Don't ever start writing a novel without any clue of structure. It's all well and good having an idea but panicking at 1am about whether it should be in first or third person causes massive stress. You should have thought about all this before!
• Don't intend to have a social life when attempting to write 50,000 words in a month. It's just not going to work... Making plans is a bad idea.
• Doesn't matter how much you you think, how many people you meet, things you see, you'll never be inspired. You're a crap author.
• Don't ask someone to go for a Big Mac as a proposition to hang out, they'll avoid cementing plans until the cows come home.
• Frizzy hair doth not suit you.
• Don't tell anyone you're uncomfortable about getting missed phonecalls from a colleague you don't wish to talk to outside of a work environment. It'll die down eventually just don't worry about it, or tell people.
• Don't think you will succeed at NaNoWriMo, give up now, fool!
• Poppies, great way to show support, painful when the pin impales your chest and slashes your hand. Learn to shove it in your scarf, only you could hurt yourself so badly with a pin... Always quote war poets to veterans. I get a poppy every year and become extremely sentimental, gave the man at the stall all my 50ps, he was very grateful, felt a kindred spirit, quoted Siegfried Sassoon, he looked bewildered, still felt good.
• You look damn good with a full fringe. If anyone says otherwise, get your head at the right angle and your fringe blocks your vision of them! Ah to be young and look like a hippie...
• Never doubt yourself
• Write less about people facing impending disappointment, write happier words, write more. (*1,871*)