Survival

It feels like time has slowed to a painfully arduous rate. Should I treat this time, I suddenly have an abundance of, like a holiday? Absolutely not, I should engage in self-flagellation and self-recrimination applying for jobs constantly.

I've had an ongoing headache and stomach discomfort since Monday which feels like aeons ago. If I asked the doctor they would say I was doing this to myself and that there is nothing they can do. I've been told this before and then I got depressed. But what I was before I suppose we'll never know. I forgot that person.

My day has started super early as my partner left for work, this makes the day longer but as we've agreed it maintains a routine. A routine where I make a cup of tea and retire to bed with the curtains wide open and my laptop and notepad in front of me.

Notepad has become my best friend as I indulge it with scrawling hieroglyphics depicting attempts at making something of myself. It's just a list of where I've applied for jobs adorned with doodles.

This is all procrastination. I have a phone-call this morning with a bank based in Leeds, they rejected me on the interview stage previously but I have always considered them a missed opportunity. Then I have a phone-call this afternoon with a debt charity based in the city-centre which also have rejected me at a previous juncture. Here I go, tail between my legs to try again. I got past the telephone stage for both of those employers previously and this morning I have myself wholly convinced I will fail miserably when speaking to them again.

Be honest. Be clear. Dazzle them.

My notepad has a sordid history. It still has notes from my most recent interview. The interview which led me down the path into the job which landed me in this position. Of course, the circumstances are not to blame when clearly I was the main contributing factor. I am a dazzling interviewee and an abject failure in reality. They realised this. I disappointed them.

I had a theory I would be excellent at speed-dating. I make a somewhat excellent first impression and then my frayed edges and deeply unlikable contradictory notions destroy all semblance of competence. I've no reason to go speed-dating as I am matrimonially inclined with my partner. I forgot to mention in my previous post we had visited a wedding venue. All of the money I saved up for a deposit will likely go toward my ongoing survival.

How can I be so pessimistic? I have two telephone interviews not even two days after walking away from my previous job? This could be good! I mean one of them is a speculative call rather than a proper interview, it's a foot in the door though. Would they judge me too harshly if my gaping wounds wept down the phone? Don't answer that.

I just read through this. I am damn pretentious. Why do I use long words? Does it make me feel smart? No, I just can't think of a straightforward way to say something so I throw a bunch of syllables out with a vague hope it makes sense.

I'm so nervous.