Ineptitude

I am the clumsiest person on the planet lately, I have no idea why. I thought it was a chemical imbalance, like perhaps my drinking had led me to this sorry state but to be honest... I haven't drank an alcoholic beverage in about four days, and I haven't been actually drunk for a couple of weeks now. Wait... No, I've always been clumsy but lately it's been more apparent. I always have bruises on my shins and knees and I have no idea when they happened.

So here's a list of the accidents I've had in the past couple of weeks.

• Hands are covered in scratches from shifting and moving boxes during deliveries and arranging chopsticks. My hands are the roughest least feminine hands ever, I have never moisturised them consistently and I have done a lot of heavy work with them... Currently I have about five unexplained scratches between my hands. 
• Speaking of which I broke my nail shifting boxes, managed to rip it down to size with painful results.
• Dropped a bottle of wine on my ankle.
• Kicked coffee table, that was a hangover incident but I still have a massive cut on toe.
• There was the miso soup tray incident I'm still getting laughs about. Fine, I cried, sure the customers were surprised, I made a right ole bloody mess. Apart from one person at work everyone else, even people who weren't on shift, asked me if I was ok the proceeding days because it had been such an event/scene.
• Smashed some glasses at work, obviously you can drop the damn things on the floor and they bounce right back, but you accidentally tip them over on the counter and they smash into a zillion pieces - irritating.
• Burnt my hand on the pan when I was making an omelette. Didn't realise until later and there was a perfect curve across my hand from where I pressed it against the pan. Omelette was burnt too...
• The broom/dustpan thing spontaneously broke in my hands... Or I kicked it. I can't recall what happened first, but it's definitely dead.
• Dropped my keys down the elevator shaft. Silly me carelessly dropping my coat, picking it up, the keys fall, it was all in slow motion, like I didn't think it would happen so had delayed reaction... Oh and to retrieve the keys I would have to pay over £500 to get the chaps in to do fish them out, it's a tough two man job and the charges would amount to way too much money - told the concierge her humour was extremely dark. Paid £30 instead to replace keys and fob.
• Spilled tea all over computer at the Citizen's Advice Bureau. Such charitable people of course were more concerned that tea was getting all over my scarf I had carelessly left on the floor... The keyboard did not come out of the situation so well, neither did my carefully collated paperwork for my assessment. It now has a nice 'vintage' feel, at least that's what I told my supervisor, she admired my wit, although previously I had been hiding under the computer desk and had to be coaxed out; if anything I keep them entertained there.
• I burnt my mouth on my pizza...

Ok I ran out of examples at the end. Although my mouth really hurts. I'm done being useless. Now I think about it, all my statements about not being allowed in the kitchen near hot/sharp objects are completely justified, luckily people just laugh at me when I tell them this, except I'm not joking. I'm shit at cooking too.