Trinity

Writing a blog is so frustrating lately. I've written about five drafts and refused to publish them because they make absolutely no sense and my life is so dull there is no way to inject any wit or excitement into it. Words fail me. Writing is hard for me, I love talking to people, or at least summing things up to them in a funny way. Once the words are written down I have to keep editing myself, I think what I've said is useless or boring so I delete it. When I'm at work I speak without thinking, I can inject a pause, a smile, some awkward hand movements, I can create a persona, an appearance of jolly idiotic waif. I used to be a ghost because I barely said anything to anyone, I had no discernible traits about myself and something I've learnt over the past few months is that embracing my faults and my oddities makes me a much more interesting person; if self-deprecating. I'm quite happy having no direction, I'm fine being rubbish at things, I'm happy to be unfit and a bit confusing and lost. At least it's something, at least I can admit these things, I don't mind being imperfect as long as I know this and I have something to say. Which is annoying because when I write a blog I feel like nothing I say is remotely worth acknowledging. So there's something to add to my list...

So here's a quick sum up of the three posts I never actually got round to posting, fun? No?

Of course not!

Plea

I wrote this when I was upset because in the grand space of two days I had two prospective job offers, then two weeks later I had heard nothing. Of course this led to me drinking and tossing and turning and wondering what exactly I could possibly have done to warrant this ignorance, cue drunken rambling entry. As it turns out my current job status is still a bit up in the air, but there is a solid ground rapidly approaching, I only hope I land on my feet. The blog ended with me asking myself, why I thought I was special, of course this is not the case, I am not special. Oh and if anyone cares, I shall not be leaving the waitressing world just yet, my degree is still gathering dust and my volunteer work is giving me confidence and a desire to actively do something charitable with my life, but for now a waitress is all I will be.

Fervour

This was another one where I wrote about my religious beliefs. I was looking at cathedrals, remember that? I ranted about how nothing lasts in this world, none of us will leave anything tangible behind for history to remember us. The reason I still cling to religious belief is because as a history student I find comfort in the great span of tradition, sure it's outdated, pointless and unnecessary in our modern world, but a thread of the past stays with me, and with it a respect. It feels like most people are so concerned with themselves, their futures, they don't acknowledge the millions of others who have lived out the same petty existences. I went on to describe how no one is unique, but that something that connects me to that grand history of anonymity keeps me safe. I was sad when I wrote that too... But I have an admiration for tradition, and a respect for the past and for those who have experienced it. At 22 it's probably a bit lame to say, I respect my elders ho-ho-ho but I do, even if talking to old people tends to make me sad inside, I still have a great affection for someone who has simply gone about living their life and is still here to happily tell their tale; my point being, I don't mind listening. It was an odd blog, hence why I didn't really want to post it.

First Love

Oh man, this was a fun one. I was a teenager, like fourteen going on sixteen, I fell for a guy who could play bass, who wore a coat because it made him look like The Doctor (ten at the time), he was detached and cool and all those things I found interesting about a guy, he had the floppy brown hair and eyes... Well I have an affection for eyes in general. I pined for him for ages, he had his own attentions pinned to someone else. Time happened and we eventually ended up somehow 'going out'. It didn't last two weeks, but the we would go to the park and lie on the grass and stare at the sky and the trees, we would chastely kiss but I discovered we had literally nothing to say to each other. We just talked lamely about the weather... So I dumped him... Go figure.

This in turn led to me discussing how I was ghost back then, I had no discernible personality I was just an agreeable happy wall with no thoughts or opinions or feelings of my own. I just followed what everyone else was doing; I was nothing. Oh yes, we're back to that. It has taken me a long time to carve an identity out what I've got but I'm getting somewhere. I feel better for it. Watch this space...