Got drunk on Saturday night, among other regrettable incidents I stood on my laptop and the screen is officially cracked and broken. Used the time I had not on my laptop pondering. There's a deep self-loathing running through me, a vein of untapped creative resources, so I came up with an idea for a story.
People walk along and are faced with a decision and then their future selves zap in front of them and say 'Do/Don't do this, it worked out so well for me.' Then they'll disappear, the people take the advice and die. The idea was their future selves were ghosts and they were tricking them. Ghosts do that, or at least did in the Middle Ages according to an essay I once wrote for a module at University I didn't turn up to. Someone investigates. Would be a really good plot for a serialised sci-fi show. Or a horror film like Final Destination. It wasn't a well thought out idea but lots of funny scenarios came to mind. All of which were dark in humour and a bit disturbing. Now all the people who end up looking at my blog because you're redirected from ad-sense, tell me that's not a good idea!
Oh and while I was thinking his I decided to graduate from Haikus to Limericks. I'm that versatile folks. Here's what I've got so far.
There was an old man called Lester,
Who once used to work as a jester,
He danced for the queen,
In a coat from James Dean,
Until he learnt to his dismay it was polyester.
A chap from Bangor was a blessing,
He loved to keep everyone guessing,
He went out for a laugh,
He made a big gaffe,
They've learnt he's really distressing.
A lady met a man who was spotted,
He was ugly but she was besotted,
They made love for a week,
She would whimper and squeak,
Oh how she loved being motted.
There was a young couple from Reading,
Who were having a wonderful wedding,
She had a wicked smile,
They were gone for a while,
They were later found knotted in bedding.
There was an old crone called Joan,
Who owned the right to moan,
She'd rant and she'd rave,
Attention she'd crave,
But all that left her was alone.
There was a chap called Archibald,
Who acted incredibly ribald,
He used to be something,
But that was the spring,
Now all the girls are appalled.
Once upon a time there was a ghost,
Who couldn't finish off this blog post,
It's so hard to type,
When everything's tripe,
To be fair these poems are shit.
Damnit limericks are supposed to be dirty or funny, two things these are not. I'll get back to you. I tried dirty... failed miserably.
Monday, 1 October 2012
Monday, 24 September 2012
Quotes
These are just a selection of quotes I really, really like. I've been told most of them are morose. I don't care, there they are. Oh and because I miss university and the hassle of writing things with extensive footnotes (oh the days of footnotes...) I decided to footnote this entry. The links will show you where the quote is from, the footnote elaborates. 'The rest is silence.'*
'Reason tells me that you and I are unlikely to meet again, but I think I shall not listen to reason. I have seen the world inside your head and know that all things are possible.'1
'Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known.'2
'We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars, but we won't. We're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.'3
'Be not afeard; the isle is full of noises,
Sounds, and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not.
Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments
Will hum about mine ears; and sometime voices
That, if I then had waked after long sleep,
Will make me sleep again; and then in dreaming,
The clouds methought would open, and show riches
Ready to drop upon me, that when I waked
I cried to dream again.'4
'I'm going to drag you down with me
I'll take you walking by the sea
And when I find a place to rest
I'll hold your head upon my chest
and I'm, going to drag you down with me.'5
'Spend your pity elsewhere. If you are so set on running hadn't you best be off. Fool of a pirate.' 6
'I prefer being someone else, when I'm myself I always make a mess of things'7
'Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.'8
'If I have pretended until now to know my characters’ minds and innermost thoughts, it is because I am writing in (just as I have assumed some of the vocabulary and ‘voice’ of) a convention universally accepted at the time of my story: that the novelist stands next to God. He may not know it all, yet he tries to pretend that he does.'9
'Whatever doesn't work out always make a good story after.' 10
'You don't tell me things, Joel. I'm an open book. I tell you everything, every damn, embarrassing thing.' 11
'I'm done with all this thinking.' 12
(1) - Doctor Who - Girl in the Fireplace, Jeanne Antoinette Poisson, Marquise de Pompadour, favourite episode of the first four season of 'Nu Who'. I'm an Eccleston/Smith lover, Ten-hater. I won't lie, I get a lump in my throat every time I watch this episode.
(2) - Invisible Monsters - Chuck Palahniuk - his best book in my humblest of opinions, probably tied with Diary but that one is largely disregarded. A lot of quotes from IM resonate with me, this one in particular has been a quote oft said when inebriated and among people I'm trying to impress.
(3) - Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk - just one of those Brad Pitt quotes he simply delivered in the movie, amazing, always stuck in my head. That YouTube video makes me ache to watch Fight Club again... and again. Don't argue that there are a zillion better Fight Club quotes, I know, I like this one!
(4) - The Tempest - Act 2, Scene 3, Caliban. My favourite speech from ye olde Shakespeare, filled me with wonder as a young one, twangling is possibly my favourite word ever. Shame Danny Boyle also liked it too and shoe-horned it into the Olympics Opening Ceremony... Fine Kenneth Brannagh quoting it was... Mind-meltingly good but still, I've been having a personal love affair with this quote for years...
(5) - False Alarm - Cherry Ghost, Cherry Ghost are a largely ignored band, I ignored them too, but this song was one of my most listened to for a while and the only song I kept from their album 'Thirst for Romance.' I wouldn't wish my terrible music taste on anyone though.
(6) - Cidolfus Demen Bunansa - FFXII, his dying words to his son Balthier, proof that FFXIII was an incredible step down from the majesty of FFXII. No more needs to be said.
(7) - Haha, that's a quote from me! Thought I'd slip it in there. I always fuck things up when I'm myself, friendships, job interviews, university, conversations... As long I am playing a part, AKA that of a happy carefree person I can fool everyone into thinking I'm worth their time. It's when they see the vulnerable paranoid lonely idiot underneath people run and leave me lonelier than ever. I'm better off sitting in coffee shops reading alone and observing people, I learn more that way.
(8) - Mirror - Sylvia Plath - It's just a poem that resonates and yet it hurts, I have a strong belief poetry is best evoking a feeling, this one makes me feel so many, specifically the end, specifically despair.
(9) - The French Lieutenant's Woman (p97) - John Fowles - Not content with creating my favourite literary heroine, Fowles also decided to use this particular novel to meditate on the control of an author over his own particular universe and characters. He goes as far to implant himself in the story as a wizened bearded chap and observes his characters as he decides their fate. It's not the most succinct quote but it's an amazing bit of literature right there.
(10) - Ha gotcha, that's another one of mine. It's something I live by. If things don't work out they'll either worm their way into my memoirs (never to be written) or it'll make a funny story. Like all those times I tripped and fell flat on my face... Or said some awkward and everyone stared... So many good stories..
(11) - Clementine - Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind - Props to Charlie Kaufman for writing my favourite film ever. Screw romance, this is love. I'm always paranoid I let people in too fast, when I care I tell a person everything, intimacy is about sharing things. It's important to feel wanted, vital, needed, it's rare.
(12) - Going Fishing - The Phoenix Foundation - From the Eagle VS Shark OST. I love Taika Waititi! I'll forgive him for directing the US Inbetweeners in exchange for being from New Zealand and directing two brilliant films (Boy and Eagle VS Shark) and helping out with Flight of the Conchords. Ok so the song you ask? It fucking cheers me up, it's sure as hell no comforting sounds but that simple quote becomes my mantra when I'm losing the will to live. It's a cheerful song! It's lovely! What more does one need?
* For the eagle eyed or remotely interested, the little quote at the top is the final words of Hamlet. I just stuck it in there because it felt right, but I would be remiss if I didn't cite it. Love Hamlet.
'Reason tells me that you and I are unlikely to meet again, but I think I shall not listen to reason. I have seen the world inside your head and know that all things are possible.'1
'Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known.'2
'We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars, but we won't. We're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.'3
'Be not afeard; the isle is full of noises,
Sounds, and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not.
Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments
Will hum about mine ears; and sometime voices
That, if I then had waked after long sleep,
Will make me sleep again; and then in dreaming,
The clouds methought would open, and show riches
Ready to drop upon me, that when I waked
I cried to dream again.'4
'I'm going to drag you down with me
I'll take you walking by the sea
And when I find a place to rest
I'll hold your head upon my chest
and I'm, going to drag you down with me.'5
'Spend your pity elsewhere. If you are so set on running hadn't you best be off. Fool of a pirate.' 6
'I prefer being someone else, when I'm myself I always make a mess of things'7
'Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.'8
'If I have pretended until now to know my characters’ minds and innermost thoughts, it is because I am writing in (just as I have assumed some of the vocabulary and ‘voice’ of) a convention universally accepted at the time of my story: that the novelist stands next to God. He may not know it all, yet he tries to pretend that he does.'9
'Whatever doesn't work out always make a good story after.' 10
'You don't tell me things, Joel. I'm an open book. I tell you everything, every damn, embarrassing thing.' 11
'I'm done with all this thinking.' 12
(1) - Doctor Who - Girl in the Fireplace, Jeanne Antoinette Poisson, Marquise de Pompadour, favourite episode of the first four season of 'Nu Who'. I'm an Eccleston/Smith lover, Ten-hater. I won't lie, I get a lump in my throat every time I watch this episode.
(2) - Invisible Monsters - Chuck Palahniuk - his best book in my humblest of opinions, probably tied with Diary but that one is largely disregarded. A lot of quotes from IM resonate with me, this one in particular has been a quote oft said when inebriated and among people I'm trying to impress.
(3) - Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk - just one of those Brad Pitt quotes he simply delivered in the movie, amazing, always stuck in my head. That YouTube video makes me ache to watch Fight Club again... and again. Don't argue that there are a zillion better Fight Club quotes, I know, I like this one!
(4) - The Tempest - Act 2, Scene 3, Caliban. My favourite speech from ye olde Shakespeare, filled me with wonder as a young one, twangling is possibly my favourite word ever. Shame Danny Boyle also liked it too and shoe-horned it into the Olympics Opening Ceremony... Fine Kenneth Brannagh quoting it was... Mind-meltingly good but still, I've been having a personal love affair with this quote for years...
(5) - False Alarm - Cherry Ghost, Cherry Ghost are a largely ignored band, I ignored them too, but this song was one of my most listened to for a while and the only song I kept from their album 'Thirst for Romance.' I wouldn't wish my terrible music taste on anyone though.
(6) - Cidolfus Demen Bunansa - FFXII, his dying words to his son Balthier, proof that FFXIII was an incredible step down from the majesty of FFXII. No more needs to be said.
(7) - Haha, that's a quote from me! Thought I'd slip it in there. I always fuck things up when I'm myself, friendships, job interviews, university, conversations... As long I am playing a part, AKA that of a happy carefree person I can fool everyone into thinking I'm worth their time. It's when they see the vulnerable paranoid lonely idiot underneath people run and leave me lonelier than ever. I'm better off sitting in coffee shops reading alone and observing people, I learn more that way.
(8) - Mirror - Sylvia Plath - It's just a poem that resonates and yet it hurts, I have a strong belief poetry is best evoking a feeling, this one makes me feel so many, specifically the end, specifically despair.
(9) - The French Lieutenant's Woman (p97) - John Fowles - Not content with creating my favourite literary heroine, Fowles also decided to use this particular novel to meditate on the control of an author over his own particular universe and characters. He goes as far to implant himself in the story as a wizened bearded chap and observes his characters as he decides their fate. It's not the most succinct quote but it's an amazing bit of literature right there.
(10) - Ha gotcha, that's another one of mine. It's something I live by. If things don't work out they'll either worm their way into my memoirs (never to be written) or it'll make a funny story. Like all those times I tripped and fell flat on my face... Or said some awkward and everyone stared... So many good stories..
(11) - Clementine - Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind - Props to Charlie Kaufman for writing my favourite film ever. Screw romance, this is love. I'm always paranoid I let people in too fast, when I care I tell a person everything, intimacy is about sharing things. It's important to feel wanted, vital, needed, it's rare.
(12) - Going Fishing - The Phoenix Foundation - From the Eagle VS Shark OST. I love Taika Waititi! I'll forgive him for directing the US Inbetweeners in exchange for being from New Zealand and directing two brilliant films (Boy and Eagle VS Shark) and helping out with Flight of the Conchords. Ok so the song you ask? It fucking cheers me up, it's sure as hell no comforting sounds but that simple quote becomes my mantra when I'm losing the will to live. It's a cheerful song! It's lovely! What more does one need?
* For the eagle eyed or remotely interested, the little quote at the top is the final words of Hamlet. I just stuck it in there because it felt right, but I would be remiss if I didn't cite it. Love Hamlet.
Friday, 21 September 2012
A Novel Idea
Ok, so every year I partake in a minor internet contest known as NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month to the unaware. I tried explaining the concept to my friend at work yesterday and he couldn't grasp why I did it. 'Do you get a prize?' I told him you received a glowing sense of achievement, 'Yeah but what do you get?' Well actually you get a first draft of a... half novel. And the chance to see where the caverns of your mind and your creative instincts can take you.
'And what is it that you do again?'
'You write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days, through November.'
'And you get nothing for it?'
...
'Well it's not like I can do Movember!'
Note to self, you're not funny. Plus if I could grow an impressive moustache things would be very different for me, I'm sure.
To be fair over the years I have lost all of my novels that I've written due to my failure to back anything up, and because I hated a good few of them after reading them back. So in essence the idea of NaNoWriMo is to write a novel, writing 1,667 words a day, and produce something, anything, and just to see what you can come up with. There's also the camaraderie, but I rarely convince anyone to do it with me. This year my boyfriend is going to try, he gave it a go the other year and only managed 1,000 words before calling his work a masterpiece and giving up. This time he seems quite up for it, plus having someone to bounce words off might really help, I always get stuck using a thesaurus in the latter days because, my words aren't interesting enough and I keep repeating myself.
It's usually at this point in the years I start consolidating what ideas I have. I don't normally tell people my ideas, I keep them all stored in my head, mainly through the intense fear if I describe them to people or try and put them into words they'll immediately disintegrate, or worse I'll realise, or someone else will blithely point out, that's a stupid idea. All of my novels have been stupid ideas. But now for my own personal discovery, and just to see if I can glean some bits from previous attempts, I'm going to just write down the past 5 novel attempts I have made. Oh ho! This is going to be way more difficult than I anticipated. I rarely go into my novels with particularly well thought out ideas...
Now to trawl the internet and find what remnants I can of my previous attempts and give a run down. I know I posted snippets somewhere just to show off...
NaNoWriMo 2006: FAIL
The Rat's Arse
My first attempt at a novel, I was 16, couldn't have been more chuffed with the title. Actually I'm seriously considering reusing that... Not for this year but in the future, might be my memoir's inevitable title. So the story is a girl, her parents died in a freak accident and she gathered up all the money she had and ran away. She went to the great metropolis, well London, and ended up sleeping rough until she found a pub called The Rat's Arse (big surprise!) A bartender takes pity on her, puts her up and takes care of her. They fall in love, awwww - the end! Quick note, I fail at romance, Unfortunately her shiny new lover has money issues with the local mafia or nefarious nare do well folks of the city and his debts become too much. He kills himself and makes it look like the girl did it in a struggle. I didn't quite get the fine tuned points of that down... Anyway, that mafia think it's her, and they chase her, so off she runs again. I left her running, I didn't finish it due to loss of USB and swift loss of mind after that. Plus I found other things to do, that was the year I started drinking.
NaNoWrimo 2007: WINNER
Untitled.
Kind of like a spiritual extension of my previous tale, there is more running. Well sorta, less running more of that mafia thing. So there was a girl who fell in love, awww, and her boyfriend is killed by the mafia, but then she is recruited because he was a bounty hunter and they force her to take on his mantle until they are satisfied, or I think they tortured her to replace him because they saw something in her... But basically if she doesn't do as she's told she is tortured. Well I'd been having nightmares around that point about torture. I think I'd watched Saw... But from what I recall I did write a lot of bizarre murder/torture scenes, and there was a guy called Norman in it! I peeked at my online diary during that month, boy things were bizarre back then for me. Parents were all over the place, I was invited to a massive house party but instead took the opportunity to go to see American Gangster, I stayed out all night on the beach because I didn't want to go home and I wore a red wig all weekend and made my friends wear it. Then I went home and wrote a novel about... Well frankly disturbing stuff, so first success! I didn't finish it though, I just stopped writing when I got to 50,000 and never looked at it again.
NaNoWriMo 2008: WINNER
Green Eyes (Working Title)
So I was going through a serious Chuck Palahniuk phase this point, I also figured literature needed more swearing in it, I was 18 and trying to be daring. This was also the first time I'd written about a male protagonist. Unfortunately he has... Issues. He used to get dressed up as a girl by his extremely sexually charged aunt, who he had complicated feelings for. There are a lot of jokes he was overly feminine. I killed off his Dad mercilessly in the first couple thousand words and then proceeded to make his life living hell. He bases a lot of his sexual fantasies around his aunt, she was a fun character, alabaster skin, flame red hair, a wisp of a woman, her clothes weighed her down, and she wore excessive amounts of eyeliner around her green eyes, she used to wear lots of beads and would rattle as she walked in a permanent delirious haze - Florence Welch was somewhat inspiration, before she became very famous. So main guy meets a girl who looks like her and shags her, gets drunk and lost and basically goes on a massive bender and loses his mind, his Dad had just died after all. The girl he meets then breaks into his house a few days later and begins to squat there, she keeps herself entertained by observing his drunken state of distress with humour and sleeps with him whenever he stumbles home drunk from his dad's funeral, his depressing office job (staff members were disappearing inexplicably there) etc. She reappears sporadically through the years never staying for longer than a few days, days he spends these visits boffing her and making awkward comparisons, she remains a beautiful mystery to him and refuses to tell him about herself. He starts to blur some lines of reality and starts to think she's his aunt mainly because she's a beautifully mysterious blank canvas, that his bosses are trying to kill him, that his mother was trying to steal his money, that poor perpetually drunk and confused boy. Oh yeah, it ended badly. And considering it was the second story I wrote I was pleased to finish it definitively, if in a very grim manner.
NaNoWriMo 2009: FAIL
Man in a Field (I'm just calling it that for arguments sake, not actual title.)
Pretty much a non attempt... Wrote about 500 words and couldn't think of anything else. It started in a field, there was a man looking for his car keys. I thought it would be kind of Sherlock/mystery/abstract/poetic. Actually it was shit. Ultimate fail.
NaNoWriMo 2010: NON STARTER
I was beyond depressed and trying to finish my degree/start my dissertation, worst time to do a novel so I didn't even attempt it then. Plus there was a few family problems taking place. Would have been some good inspiration but yeah, last thing on my mind.
NaNoWriMo 2011: WINNER
Glass Eyes
My most recent addition and one of my bigger concepts. Well I say that, it's actually quite a constricting concept, I was working hard to make it more novel like. The idea was that the whole tale took place from the POV of the main character's doll. The main character is of course a girl, with a really ugly doll. More than I care to say of this idea was taken from real life. In fact a lot of the core idea was directly lifted from personal experience. Specifically the part where as the girl grew up, her mother became more attached to the doll and would sit with it and mourn her daughter growing up. Unfortunately I wasn't very sure how to work with the voice of the doll. My first non-human point of view was very confusing. I wanted the doll to have an alien quality to it, I wanted it to be an amusing if cynical view, it started like that then it just got out and out pessimistic. By the last stretch I was bored by the idea, I killed off the brother, the parents argued and threatened to divorce time and time again, I had the girl lose her virginity to some arsehole. The scene was a funny one; the girl pushes the doll surreptitiously off the bed as the boy lays her down and it then spends the event with it's face on the floor under the bed. I had the neighbours dog steal the doll and bury it in the garden, then the mum put it in the washing machine. All much fun to write but I felt uncertain how to finish it, it was just watching the family grow up and I found myself uncertain what I was trying to convey apart from the banalities of life from an odd perspective. Let's just say my creative juices ran dry. I ended the tale on a low note, the doll just wanted to put in a box and allowed to be left in peace, but in the end the mother kept it at her side as her husband walked out on her, she buried her son and her daughter left for university. So no one was happy; apart from the daughter. I gave it a proper end though so I was pleased about that. I was also pleased when it was over.
So as well as listing my previous attempts I might as well make a list of books I was intending to read before setting off on my own personal novel attempt. My first port of call was Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk, it being one of my favourite books, I'll probably follow that up with Diary as they are joint the best things I believe he has written. Plus I have a vague idea about what I intend to write about and Diary will be a good place to start with that. Then I was thinking of reading The Shining and Anna Karenina. A good friend is also greatly in love The Great Gatsby, as it is a well known excellent book I hope to read that. I've also been recommended To The Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf. Another one I was hoping to read was Storm of Swords, by far the best book in Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire series. Any excuse to read that again... Plus they are filming series 3. Well... I don't think I have enough hours in the day to read all of them before November. Plus before I should stop before I bore anyone who stumbles across this blog to tears with more of my rambling.
'And what is it that you do again?'
'You write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days, through November.'
'And you get nothing for it?'
...
'Well it's not like I can do Movember!'
Note to self, you're not funny. Plus if I could grow an impressive moustache things would be very different for me, I'm sure.
To be fair over the years I have lost all of my novels that I've written due to my failure to back anything up, and because I hated a good few of them after reading them back. So in essence the idea of NaNoWriMo is to write a novel, writing 1,667 words a day, and produce something, anything, and just to see what you can come up with. There's also the camaraderie, but I rarely convince anyone to do it with me. This year my boyfriend is going to try, he gave it a go the other year and only managed 1,000 words before calling his work a masterpiece and giving up. This time he seems quite up for it, plus having someone to bounce words off might really help, I always get stuck using a thesaurus in the latter days because, my words aren't interesting enough and I keep repeating myself.
It's usually at this point in the years I start consolidating what ideas I have. I don't normally tell people my ideas, I keep them all stored in my head, mainly through the intense fear if I describe them to people or try and put them into words they'll immediately disintegrate, or worse I'll realise, or someone else will blithely point out, that's a stupid idea. All of my novels have been stupid ideas. But now for my own personal discovery, and just to see if I can glean some bits from previous attempts, I'm going to just write down the past 5 novel attempts I have made. Oh ho! This is going to be way more difficult than I anticipated. I rarely go into my novels with particularly well thought out ideas...
Now to trawl the internet and find what remnants I can of my previous attempts and give a run down. I know I posted snippets somewhere just to show off...
NaNoWriMo 2006: FAIL
The Rat's Arse
My first attempt at a novel, I was 16, couldn't have been more chuffed with the title. Actually I'm seriously considering reusing that... Not for this year but in the future, might be my memoir's inevitable title. So the story is a girl, her parents died in a freak accident and she gathered up all the money she had and ran away. She went to the great metropolis, well London, and ended up sleeping rough until she found a pub called The Rat's Arse (big surprise!) A bartender takes pity on her, puts her up and takes care of her. They fall in love, awwww - the end! Quick note, I fail at romance, Unfortunately her shiny new lover has money issues with the local mafia or nefarious nare do well folks of the city and his debts become too much. He kills himself and makes it look like the girl did it in a struggle. I didn't quite get the fine tuned points of that down... Anyway, that mafia think it's her, and they chase her, so off she runs again. I left her running, I didn't finish it due to loss of USB and swift loss of mind after that. Plus I found other things to do, that was the year I started drinking.
NaNoWrimo 2007: WINNER
Untitled.
Kind of like a spiritual extension of my previous tale, there is more running. Well sorta, less running more of that mafia thing. So there was a girl who fell in love, awww, and her boyfriend is killed by the mafia, but then she is recruited because he was a bounty hunter and they force her to take on his mantle until they are satisfied, or I think they tortured her to replace him because they saw something in her... But basically if she doesn't do as she's told she is tortured. Well I'd been having nightmares around that point about torture. I think I'd watched Saw... But from what I recall I did write a lot of bizarre murder/torture scenes, and there was a guy called Norman in it! I peeked at my online diary during that month, boy things were bizarre back then for me. Parents were all over the place, I was invited to a massive house party but instead took the opportunity to go to see American Gangster, I stayed out all night on the beach because I didn't want to go home and I wore a red wig all weekend and made my friends wear it. Then I went home and wrote a novel about... Well frankly disturbing stuff, so first success! I didn't finish it though, I just stopped writing when I got to 50,000 and never looked at it again.
NaNoWriMo 2008: WINNER
Green Eyes (Working Title)
So I was going through a serious Chuck Palahniuk phase this point, I also figured literature needed more swearing in it, I was 18 and trying to be daring. This was also the first time I'd written about a male protagonist. Unfortunately he has... Issues. He used to get dressed up as a girl by his extremely sexually charged aunt, who he had complicated feelings for. There are a lot of jokes he was overly feminine. I killed off his Dad mercilessly in the first couple thousand words and then proceeded to make his life living hell. He bases a lot of his sexual fantasies around his aunt, she was a fun character, alabaster skin, flame red hair, a wisp of a woman, her clothes weighed her down, and she wore excessive amounts of eyeliner around her green eyes, she used to wear lots of beads and would rattle as she walked in a permanent delirious haze - Florence Welch was somewhat inspiration, before she became very famous. So main guy meets a girl who looks like her and shags her, gets drunk and lost and basically goes on a massive bender and loses his mind, his Dad had just died after all. The girl he meets then breaks into his house a few days later and begins to squat there, she keeps herself entertained by observing his drunken state of distress with humour and sleeps with him whenever he stumbles home drunk from his dad's funeral, his depressing office job (staff members were disappearing inexplicably there) etc. She reappears sporadically through the years never staying for longer than a few days, days he spends these visits boffing her and making awkward comparisons, she remains a beautiful mystery to him and refuses to tell him about herself. He starts to blur some lines of reality and starts to think she's his aunt mainly because she's a beautifully mysterious blank canvas, that his bosses are trying to kill him, that his mother was trying to steal his money, that poor perpetually drunk and confused boy. Oh yeah, it ended badly. And considering it was the second story I wrote I was pleased to finish it definitively, if in a very grim manner.
NaNoWriMo 2009: FAIL
Man in a Field (I'm just calling it that for arguments sake, not actual title.)
Pretty much a non attempt... Wrote about 500 words and couldn't think of anything else. It started in a field, there was a man looking for his car keys. I thought it would be kind of Sherlock/mystery/abstract/poetic. Actually it was shit. Ultimate fail.
NaNoWriMo 2010: NON STARTER
I was beyond depressed and trying to finish my degree/start my dissertation, worst time to do a novel so I didn't even attempt it then. Plus there was a few family problems taking place. Would have been some good inspiration but yeah, last thing on my mind.
NaNoWriMo 2011: WINNER
Glass Eyes
My most recent addition and one of my bigger concepts. Well I say that, it's actually quite a constricting concept, I was working hard to make it more novel like. The idea was that the whole tale took place from the POV of the main character's doll. The main character is of course a girl, with a really ugly doll. More than I care to say of this idea was taken from real life. In fact a lot of the core idea was directly lifted from personal experience. Specifically the part where as the girl grew up, her mother became more attached to the doll and would sit with it and mourn her daughter growing up. Unfortunately I wasn't very sure how to work with the voice of the doll. My first non-human point of view was very confusing. I wanted the doll to have an alien quality to it, I wanted it to be an amusing if cynical view, it started like that then it just got out and out pessimistic. By the last stretch I was bored by the idea, I killed off the brother, the parents argued and threatened to divorce time and time again, I had the girl lose her virginity to some arsehole. The scene was a funny one; the girl pushes the doll surreptitiously off the bed as the boy lays her down and it then spends the event with it's face on the floor under the bed. I had the neighbours dog steal the doll and bury it in the garden, then the mum put it in the washing machine. All much fun to write but I felt uncertain how to finish it, it was just watching the family grow up and I found myself uncertain what I was trying to convey apart from the banalities of life from an odd perspective. Let's just say my creative juices ran dry. I ended the tale on a low note, the doll just wanted to put in a box and allowed to be left in peace, but in the end the mother kept it at her side as her husband walked out on her, she buried her son and her daughter left for university. So no one was happy; apart from the daughter. I gave it a proper end though so I was pleased about that. I was also pleased when it was over.
So as well as listing my previous attempts I might as well make a list of books I was intending to read before setting off on my own personal novel attempt. My first port of call was Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk, it being one of my favourite books, I'll probably follow that up with Diary as they are joint the best things I believe he has written. Plus I have a vague idea about what I intend to write about and Diary will be a good place to start with that. Then I was thinking of reading The Shining and Anna Karenina. A good friend is also greatly in love The Great Gatsby, as it is a well known excellent book I hope to read that. I've also been recommended To The Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf. Another one I was hoping to read was Storm of Swords, by far the best book in Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire series. Any excuse to read that again... Plus they are filming series 3. Well... I don't think I have enough hours in the day to read all of them before November. Plus before I should stop before I bore anyone who stumbles across this blog to tears with more of my rambling.
Tuesday, 18 September 2012
Do you see what I see?
Because I can't be fucked with facebook. And I used to post blogs like this all the time on my... Other blog... Man, online diaries were so lame weren't they!? It's strangely satisfying. Plus I have a back log of pictures on my phone which I spend most of my time ignoring.
So yeah, these are just a selection of photos which sum up the past couple of months; and that's how I'll remember them when looking back in many moons to come.Warning, I have never, nor will I ever, photograph well; my cross to bear.
That's just me packing my old apartment up, took me all day whilst boyfriend was at work. Took the chance to justify keeping all my hats by wearing them.
New apartment, it's much tidier now. Honest.
I'm not going to lie, I was off my face drunk and went for a paddle in the sea only to discover when it goes up to your knees and you can't feel your toes, it's time to get out. Also when other drunk people are peeing into the sea... Well. Not my best idea.
That's my boss stretched across the piano, and my friend from work, yeah that's his head, it's in an odd position but that's the power of posing on a piano at 2 in the morning. I wish I could remember more of that night....
Yeah see, this is why I don't post on facebook.
Thursday, 6 September 2012
That's Entertainment
Wind sweeping hair strands,
Waves rolling, endless nothing,
Girl in city weeps.
Twilight brings delights,
Sounds of drunk celebration,
Owl observes shrewdly.
Lone drop of water
Sun bears down on hot pavement
Passers by pour sweat
Lamppost sways in wind,
Trees bend to will of nature,
Snail sits on a leaf.
Bat glides through forest,
Moon glows through the dying trees,
Werewolf eats children.
Flash of light rips sky,
Destruction left in its wake,
Woman bends to gods.
Sun streams through curtains,
Dust dances through beams of light,
Lovers warm embrace.
Face rests in grass blades,
Body sprawled across green field,
Sun observes perplexed.
Peaceful sleeping cat,
Doleful inquisitive dog,
Meteor hits earth.
Watch time flow along,
Rivers trickle past swiftly,
Old man eats alone.
Pale fingers scrape mud,
Endless darkness, no way out,
Mole has lost his way.
Wind beating against window,
Amber glow pierces dark streets,
Winter is coming.
Time off work, friend cancelled meeting up. So here I sit and try to write haikus. Excellent way to spend my time... Odd that I can't concentrate on anything else. Thought about starting my screenplay, or writing a longer poem, decided against it. Haikus are about all I can muster right now. Read a load online, felt inspired by their weirdness. More to come, undoubtedly. The point of haikus is not to make sense... Right?
Waves rolling, endless nothing,
Girl in city weeps.
Twilight brings delights,
Sounds of drunk celebration,
Owl observes shrewdly.
Lone drop of water
Sun bears down on hot pavement
Passers by pour sweat
Lamppost sways in wind,
Trees bend to will of nature,
Snail sits on a leaf.
Bat glides through forest,
Moon glows through the dying trees,
Werewolf eats children.
Flash of light rips sky,
Destruction left in its wake,
Woman bends to gods.
Sun streams through curtains,
Dust dances through beams of light,
Lovers warm embrace.
Face rests in grass blades,
Body sprawled across green field,
Sun observes perplexed.
Peaceful sleeping cat,
Doleful inquisitive dog,
Meteor hits earth.
Watch time flow along,
Rivers trickle past swiftly,
Old man eats alone.
Pale fingers scrape mud,
Endless darkness, no way out,
Mole has lost his way.
Wind beating against window,
Amber glow pierces dark streets,
Winter is coming.
Time off work, friend cancelled meeting up. So here I sit and try to write haikus. Excellent way to spend my time... Odd that I can't concentrate on anything else. Thought about starting my screenplay, or writing a longer poem, decided against it. Haikus are about all I can muster right now. Read a load online, felt inspired by their weirdness. More to come, undoubtedly. The point of haikus is not to make sense... Right?
Wednesday, 6 June 2012
Prometheus
Ridley Scott has attempted to create an origin story for his classic Alien franchise. Now let's first establish that I have not seen these films, yeah I know, they are classics, I have Blade Runner lying around somewhere waiting to be watched, but as with many things in life, watching DVDs I should have watched years ago always gets put on the back burner. The only recent sci-fi film I can claim to have seen and enjoyed would be Moon, an excellent début from Duncan Jones and cementing my appreciation of Sam Rockwell. Prometheus is probably the direct antithesis of Moon, where Moon asks it's questions with a level of care and subtlety, Prometheus blurts them out at any given opportunity. Moon's effects are somewhat minimal and cheaply done (still effective), whereas Prometheus's are expensive, and massively impressive, and where Moon steeps itself in reality and reason Prometheus asks you to hang up any common sense you have by the door because this is a big budget Hollywood film and it may seem to be something more but it's possibly the most stupid film I've sat through in recent times. I have also sat through Avengers this year, another blockbuster without any pretensions of being anything less. Obviously in order to fully express my confusion and disillusion with this film it'll involve some spoilers, some have to be seen to be believed though.
A fun term that has been bandied around about this film is it's reliance on 'Hollywood scientists' and their stupidity which lead to the action taking place in the film. Be prepared to raise your eyebrows quizically regularly if you do deign to watch this bloated mess. The characters are all ciphers filling roles which are common in blockbusters, you have the nerd, the hotheaded hardass, the whiter than white heroine, the ballsy likeable love interest, the bitch, the salty captain, the cheerful chummy co-pilots, the aged billionaire etc. What hurts somewhat is the fact that Nina Gold, the casting director of Game of Thrones hand picked the cast and they are all instantly recognisable and actual talented people being put into such stock soulless roles. Speaking of soulless, the only character with any level of depth is Michael Fassbender playing android David, his motives and actions are bizarre and hard to follow, the rest of the cast seem intent on insisting he has no mind of his own, or soul, and yet he displays an affection for Peter O'Toole and an interest dreams and a useful knowledge of alien languages and murals. His actions lead to some terrible consequences but it seems easy to forgive when an actor as masterful as Fassbender lights up the screen with his presence, even later in the film.
The big questions that are asked, who are we? Where do we come from? Why are we here? They are answered to some degree with alien explanations but the film loses interest in such trivial things when there are tentacles to attack people, oozing pots of goop, alien pregnancies, giant pyramids, dead bodies stacked up everywhere, alarmingly human villainous bad guys and a plan or aim to destroy Earth. Oh it's all so ridiculously exciting, or at least it should be. Instead the pacing goes from incredibly slow set ups, to fast paced gore, back to discussion, sometimes jarringly swiftly. Don't get me started on the departures in logic, for instance, why, take your helmet off on an alien planet regardless of it's earth breathable? Is it because those incredible cool looking helmet's obstruct the view of the actors by any chance? There are several instances when they are steamed up from condensation, well fair enough, there's your reason, get better ventilated helmets, don't ask the audience to believe for one second a bunch of scientists who invested billions into a mission would land, very conveniently on an alien planet, exactly where they need to be, would go out instantaneously without checking the landscape fully. They could have perhaps, with some preparation/better technology, determined that there was a spaceship beneath them all along, it's not that hard to find technology to do that on a high tech spaceship surely? Oh and please don't get me started on how a woman can walk after watching her stomach be cut open and stitched back up then have a jolly stumble through some corridors on a simple anaesthetic. And my biggest gripe? Why hire a young man and spend 5 hours putting him in prosthetics to play an old man, when you could have hired an old man? The make up was terrible and insanely pointless!
Those were of course only my main gripes about the film as I walked out of the cinema. There was the fact that the heroine, over the process of a day manages to go through so much physical turmoil, survive it, learn about her makers (they are psychotic aliens who want to kill us now) and then still believe in God/Christianity, which fits in with the mainstream appeal of such a film. It's all such hilarious ridiculous crap that it is put across in such a pretentious manner that all you can do is laugh. It's not the fun, or remotely thought provoking film that it set out to be, it's just a mess, a bloody expensive mess. I wish I'd seen Moonrise Kingdom instead but it wasn't on...
A fun term that has been bandied around about this film is it's reliance on 'Hollywood scientists' and their stupidity which lead to the action taking place in the film. Be prepared to raise your eyebrows quizically regularly if you do deign to watch this bloated mess. The characters are all ciphers filling roles which are common in blockbusters, you have the nerd, the hotheaded hardass, the whiter than white heroine, the ballsy likeable love interest, the bitch, the salty captain, the cheerful chummy co-pilots, the aged billionaire etc. What hurts somewhat is the fact that Nina Gold, the casting director of Game of Thrones hand picked the cast and they are all instantly recognisable and actual talented people being put into such stock soulless roles. Speaking of soulless, the only character with any level of depth is Michael Fassbender playing android David, his motives and actions are bizarre and hard to follow, the rest of the cast seem intent on insisting he has no mind of his own, or soul, and yet he displays an affection for Peter O'Toole and an interest dreams and a useful knowledge of alien languages and murals. His actions lead to some terrible consequences but it seems easy to forgive when an actor as masterful as Fassbender lights up the screen with his presence, even later in the film.
The big questions that are asked, who are we? Where do we come from? Why are we here? They are answered to some degree with alien explanations but the film loses interest in such trivial things when there are tentacles to attack people, oozing pots of goop, alien pregnancies, giant pyramids, dead bodies stacked up everywhere, alarmingly human villainous bad guys and a plan or aim to destroy Earth. Oh it's all so ridiculously exciting, or at least it should be. Instead the pacing goes from incredibly slow set ups, to fast paced gore, back to discussion, sometimes jarringly swiftly. Don't get me started on the departures in logic, for instance, why, take your helmet off on an alien planet regardless of it's earth breathable? Is it because those incredible cool looking helmet's obstruct the view of the actors by any chance? There are several instances when they are steamed up from condensation, well fair enough, there's your reason, get better ventilated helmets, don't ask the audience to believe for one second a bunch of scientists who invested billions into a mission would land, very conveniently on an alien planet, exactly where they need to be, would go out instantaneously without checking the landscape fully. They could have perhaps, with some preparation/better technology, determined that there was a spaceship beneath them all along, it's not that hard to find technology to do that on a high tech spaceship surely? Oh and please don't get me started on how a woman can walk after watching her stomach be cut open and stitched back up then have a jolly stumble through some corridors on a simple anaesthetic. And my biggest gripe? Why hire a young man and spend 5 hours putting him in prosthetics to play an old man, when you could have hired an old man? The make up was terrible and insanely pointless!
Those were of course only my main gripes about the film as I walked out of the cinema. There was the fact that the heroine, over the process of a day manages to go through so much physical turmoil, survive it, learn about her makers (they are psychotic aliens who want to kill us now) and then still believe in God/Christianity, which fits in with the mainstream appeal of such a film. It's all such hilarious ridiculous crap that it is put across in such a pretentious manner that all you can do is laugh. It's not the fun, or remotely thought provoking film that it set out to be, it's just a mess, a bloody expensive mess. I wish I'd seen Moonrise Kingdom instead but it wasn't on...
Tuesday, 8 May 2012
Community
It really boggles my mind that the UK airs Community on the most obscure of digital channels, Sony UK something or other, but has New Girl on terrestrial Channel 4 in a prime time Friday night slot. We get very little due attention given to television shows that are particularly of interest to me from the US. I did originally have a big long rant about watching all my US imports on the internet and this went on to discuss how the US usually just remakes British shows rather than suffer the issues of translating English for Americans. I can barely count on my
fingers the UK's attempt at remakes over here, we just ships the film
reels over in giant boats with painted sails manned by men in red
overcoats and shiny gold buttons prepared with the cannons for battle
against pirates. Damn you piracy!
Ah yes, that was the makings of a very long rant there... Now is not the time for this, here is my top ten Community Episodes.
A stand out episode for any Community fan, the first fully realised theme episode, the first time everyone thought, 'Damn they got it so right.' The campus is addicted to chicken fingers and Abed is placed by the Study Group in the position of fry cook. It then becomes a case of Abed controlling the supply of chicken fingers in very entertaining a Goodfellas gangster riff. This is also the first episode in which Jeff feels his position as head of the group slipping away and goes to great lengths to prevent this and nudges him to relinquish his position. Plus the introduction of Annie's Boobs, the monkey, not Annie's... well you know.
Best Quote: Troy:I dressed as a crazy Pharaoh for you.
Not a particularly outstanding episode but a heartfelt observation of the gang together at a pub. Troy has become a man unwittingly reaching the ripe old age of twenty one and is pushed to spend his first legal drink carousing with the study group. It's one of my favourite episodes because of the interplay between the characters, we get a few insights and humorous moments from them all, even Pierce who's destruction of Troy's birthday cake is endlessly funny. We learn Shirley had some 'bad years', Annie is madly insecure, Abed finds it difficult to talk to people about Farscape so jumps on any opportunity even when it's clear he's being chatted up. Britta and Jeff, well they just spend the entire evening drunkenly bickering about what's cool, and Troy comes to terms with his pending adulthood. It's a particularly strong episode for Troy which pleases me.
Best Quote: Troy: Alcohol makes people sad. It’s like the Lifetime movie of beverages.
While the previous episode in this list is often acknowledged as a sort of bottle episode, having everyone go to a bar and bounce off each other, this episode is in essence the very definition of a bottle episode, Abed coining the term very early on. Annie's pen goes missing and after losing far too many from giving them to her friends or people simply taking them she blows a gasket and decides enough is enough. She also makes this stand on the same day that Greendale is hosting a puppy parade, so Abed and Troy miss out on this, whilst Jeff cancels a date because no one is leaving the room until the pen is found. Not only is the premise ridiculously simple, and the reactions and conclusions of the characters as the tension ramps up becomes more and more and ridiculous leads to scenes of genius hilarity. Also seeing the guys run around in their underwear is much to be pleased about. Of course the episode is worth reviewing over and over just to see that slight split second where you see the pen sneakily be stolen. The gang concludes it was a ghost, but hey they weren't far off, it's just a monkey!
Best Quote: Shirley: I'll make your ass make sense!
Every television show since the dawn of time has had a reminiscent episode where it's essentially a bunch of clips of previous adventures. It's cheap and easy to do and gives us an insight into how the characters felt about certain events, did I mention it was cheap and easy to do? Well Community decided to turn that tradition on it's head and provide us with a clipshow of adventures we hadn't seen the study group actually go on, but boy do I wish they had. There was a spooky hotel, the old western adventure, filling in for Glee club, that unfortunate St Patrick's Day rafting trip, the mercury poisoning and many more I can't even remember off the top of my head. All the while there is the reveal of Annie's Boobs, the monkey's secret treasure trove of Annie's pens and hubba bubba. Then of course there is the even more exciting reveal of Britta and Jeff's continued sexual encounters throughout the season which is briefly viewed in Mixology Certification. The best part was the Dean's multiple entrances and outfits, I nearly cried laughing every time.
Best Quote: Shirley: Can we please stop fighting? We're starting to hurt innocent perverts.
What more can I love about this episode than the obvious? The way Britta pronounces Bagel? Jeff Winger/Joel McHale in his undies? Abed being Don Draper? Abed and Troy playing Bert and Ernie? Good God it can't get better than this? Can it? Well obviously it can because this is only number 6 but it was one the first episodes of Community where I had a moment of extreme belly laughing. A good sign, and a seriously memorable episode.
Best Quote: Troy: You should be like Calvin. His best friend was a tiger, he always went
on dope adventures, and if anything stood in his way, he just peed on
it.
It's so hard to not place this higher. Greendale has it's seemingly annual Paintball Assassin contest in which the whole place is wrecked and alliances are made and broken during a very impressive and dramatic episode. There is the introduction of the Black Rider (who actually doesn't ride anything, he's just got an awesome cowboy outfit and is Sawyer from Lost, smouldering.) Then there is Pierce playing the game to his advantage by starting off as a coward hiding in the toilets and then using his prime position to become the villain of the piece. But all hats go off to Annie this episode, she is looking ridiculously attractive and is kicking some serious ass. It begins as a western and in the following episode takes on an alliance flavour with stormtroopers filling the corridors. Who'd have thought an evil Ice Cream Company was capable of all this? A classic double parter and serious rewatch value.
Best Quote: Annie: That was a game. This is paintball.
This would be much higher if the standard of episodes in the top 5 weren't so ridiculously high. Full props go to Troy once again for having the best reaction ever to meeting his idol. We all have that lingering doubt that if we were to meet the person we admire most in the world we would inevitably disappoint them, and thanks to the magic of the documentary style of the episode we get to the splice together Troy's love of Levar Burton, his meeting face during these encounters, and his multiple (hilarious) breakdowns. Nothing has made me laugh more, and it continues to work on multiple viewings. Not to mention the frankly genius move of having Jeff Winger almost on the brink of his own breakdown and brief insight into his daddy issues.
Best Quote: Troy: 'You can't disappoint a picture!'
I have toyed with placing this a lot higher but there were other episodes which made me laugh harder. Needless to say this is still an excellent episode. As a singular episode it's a benchmark for all following theme episodes, it managed to redefine the quality of the show all the while pushing forward the Jeff/Britta storyline extensively, and was also a thrill-ride twenty minutes of television. Chang is in essence my favourite part of this episode which I can rarely admit to but he simply nails it here. Action movie references galore, and Jeff Winger does an excellent Die Hard. Every scene is genius and there's not much more I can say than that. A truly magnificent piece of television for newcomers and for great fans.
Best Quote: Jeff: Hey Abed, your girlfriend will meet you at the flagpole in ten minutes.
Season 3 never really found itself until this particular episode and then all kinds of shit kicked off in the darkest time line. It's hard to know from the most recent episode which time line actually stuck with as the show recently mentioned Abed wishing he had grabbed the die when Jeff threw it, intriguing indeed. We get the same event happen over and over again, someone has to go get pizza, and each time the same events take place, Pierce mentions a liaison in a aeroplane toilet, Britta tries to sing, Shirley bakes pies, Jeff bumps his head on the ceiling fan, and yet each time something more hilarious takes place than the last, and you never question it. You just laugh along.
Best Quote: Abed: Just so you know Jeff, you're now creating six different timelines
There was a time during my all too short years as a student when I lived with housemates who enjoyed spending their time playing Dungeons and Dragons in the living room on Tuesday nights. I remember this only after I had entered the room and had to manouvere my way to the kitchen and get a cup of tea climbing around their stupid table. One evening I attempted to play with my housemates and boyfriend and eventually got bored and read a magazine instead, mainly because I was losing. I was quite Jeff Winger about the whole scenario so it surprised and amused me at how game the Winger actually was about playing D&D. I was aware of all of the jokes, the emotional stakes that were built up within each game, and the fact that the dungeon master was always an impartial and strangely passive douchebag. The whole episode had me cracking up and this was from personal experience and from the fact that jokes were non stop hilarious. Plus Pierce's reactions and responses remind me of my own thoughts, which is probably not something I should be proud of but was ridiculously funny. Huzzah!
Best Quote: Troy: I attack using my additional notes.
When drunk I have an unwarranted and uncontrollable love of the ever popular band ABBA. This might be a British thing as the movie version of Mamma Mia is the biggest box office sensation since Titanic, so I have the same feeling as every housewife in Britain. I wouldn't never admit this sober though, or in polite conversation. My conflicting love of ABBA and the fact that this is by far one of the best episodes of a television programme in the history of ever, is a complete package. Having an episode dedicated to Zombie movies, even horror in general and still make it a hilarious almost realistic is the reason why it is one of the best and my favourite episodes. For being such an overall hilarious and perfect episode in my mind it is my number one.
Best Quote: Troy: Oh my God Leonard's a zombie!
Abed: Zombie Attack!
Ah yes, that was the makings of a very long rant there... Now is not the time for this, here is my top ten Community Episodes.
Top Ten Community Episodes
10 Contemporary American Poultry
A stand out episode for any Community fan, the first fully realised theme episode, the first time everyone thought, 'Damn they got it so right.' The campus is addicted to chicken fingers and Abed is placed by the Study Group in the position of fry cook. It then becomes a case of Abed controlling the supply of chicken fingers in very entertaining a Goodfellas gangster riff. This is also the first episode in which Jeff feels his position as head of the group slipping away and goes to great lengths to prevent this and nudges him to relinquish his position. Plus the introduction of Annie's Boobs, the monkey, not Annie's... well you know.
Best Quote: Troy:I dressed as a crazy Pharaoh for you.
9 Mixology Certification
Not a particularly outstanding episode but a heartfelt observation of the gang together at a pub. Troy has become a man unwittingly reaching the ripe old age of twenty one and is pushed to spend his first legal drink carousing with the study group. It's one of my favourite episodes because of the interplay between the characters, we get a few insights and humorous moments from them all, even Pierce who's destruction of Troy's birthday cake is endlessly funny. We learn Shirley had some 'bad years', Annie is madly insecure, Abed finds it difficult to talk to people about Farscape so jumps on any opportunity even when it's clear he's being chatted up. Britta and Jeff, well they just spend the entire evening drunkenly bickering about what's cool, and Troy comes to terms with his pending adulthood. It's a particularly strong episode for Troy which pleases me.
Best Quote: Troy: Alcohol makes people sad. It’s like the Lifetime movie of beverages.
8 Cooperative Calligraphy
While the previous episode in this list is often acknowledged as a sort of bottle episode, having everyone go to a bar and bounce off each other, this episode is in essence the very definition of a bottle episode, Abed coining the term very early on. Annie's pen goes missing and after losing far too many from giving them to her friends or people simply taking them she blows a gasket and decides enough is enough. She also makes this stand on the same day that Greendale is hosting a puppy parade, so Abed and Troy miss out on this, whilst Jeff cancels a date because no one is leaving the room until the pen is found. Not only is the premise ridiculously simple, and the reactions and conclusions of the characters as the tension ramps up becomes more and more and ridiculous leads to scenes of genius hilarity. Also seeing the guys run around in their underwear is much to be pleased about. Of course the episode is worth reviewing over and over just to see that slight split second where you see the pen sneakily be stolen. The gang concludes it was a ghost, but hey they weren't far off, it's just a monkey!
7 Paradigms of Human Memory
Every television show since the dawn of time has had a reminiscent episode where it's essentially a bunch of clips of previous adventures. It's cheap and easy to do and gives us an insight into how the characters felt about certain events, did I mention it was cheap and easy to do? Well Community decided to turn that tradition on it's head and provide us with a clipshow of adventures we hadn't seen the study group actually go on, but boy do I wish they had. There was a spooky hotel, the old western adventure, filling in for Glee club, that unfortunate St Patrick's Day rafting trip, the mercury poisoning and many more I can't even remember off the top of my head. All the while there is the reveal of Annie's Boobs, the monkey's secret treasure trove of Annie's pens and hubba bubba. Then of course there is the even more exciting reveal of Britta and Jeff's continued sexual encounters throughout the season which is briefly viewed in Mixology Certification. The best part was the Dean's multiple entrances and outfits, I nearly cried laughing every time.
6 Physical Education
What more can I love about this episode than the obvious? The way Britta pronounces Bagel? Jeff Winger/Joel McHale in his undies? Abed being Don Draper? Abed and Troy playing Bert and Ernie? Good God it can't get better than this? Can it? Well obviously it can because this is only number 6 but it was one the first episodes of Community where I had a moment of extreme belly laughing. A good sign, and a seriously memorable episode.
6 A Fistful of Paintballs/A Few Paintballs More
It's so hard to not place this higher. Greendale has it's seemingly annual Paintball Assassin contest in which the whole place is wrecked and alliances are made and broken during a very impressive and dramatic episode. There is the introduction of the Black Rider (who actually doesn't ride anything, he's just got an awesome cowboy outfit and is Sawyer from Lost, smouldering.) Then there is Pierce playing the game to his advantage by starting off as a coward hiding in the toilets and then using his prime position to become the villain of the piece. But all hats go off to Annie this episode, she is looking ridiculously attractive and is kicking some serious ass. It begins as a western and in the following episode takes on an alliance flavour with stormtroopers filling the corridors. Who'd have thought an evil Ice Cream Company was capable of all this? A classic double parter and serious rewatch value.
Best Quote: Annie: That was a game. This is paintball.
5 Intermediate Documentary Filmmaking
This would be much higher if the standard of episodes in the top 5 weren't so ridiculously high. Full props go to Troy once again for having the best reaction ever to meeting his idol. We all have that lingering doubt that if we were to meet the person we admire most in the world we would inevitably disappoint them, and thanks to the magic of the documentary style of the episode we get to the splice together Troy's love of Levar Burton, his meeting face during these encounters, and his multiple (hilarious) breakdowns. Nothing has made me laugh more, and it continues to work on multiple viewings. Not to mention the frankly genius move of having Jeff Winger almost on the brink of his own breakdown and brief insight into his daddy issues.
Best Quote: Troy: 'You can't disappoint a picture!'
4 Modern Warfare
I have toyed with placing this a lot higher but there were other episodes which made me laugh harder. Needless to say this is still an excellent episode. As a singular episode it's a benchmark for all following theme episodes, it managed to redefine the quality of the show all the while pushing forward the Jeff/Britta storyline extensively, and was also a thrill-ride twenty minutes of television. Chang is in essence my favourite part of this episode which I can rarely admit to but he simply nails it here. Action movie references galore, and Jeff Winger does an excellent Die Hard. Every scene is genius and there's not much more I can say than that. A truly magnificent piece of television for newcomers and for great fans.
3 Remedial Chaos Theory
Season 3 never really found itself until this particular episode and then all kinds of shit kicked off in the darkest time line. It's hard to know from the most recent episode which time line actually stuck with as the show recently mentioned Abed wishing he had grabbed the die when Jeff threw it, intriguing indeed. We get the same event happen over and over again, someone has to go get pizza, and each time the same events take place, Pierce mentions a liaison in a aeroplane toilet, Britta tries to sing, Shirley bakes pies, Jeff bumps his head on the ceiling fan, and yet each time something more hilarious takes place than the last, and you never question it. You just laugh along.
2 Advanced Dungeons and Dragons
There was a time during my all too short years as a student when I lived with housemates who enjoyed spending their time playing Dungeons and Dragons in the living room on Tuesday nights. I remember this only after I had entered the room and had to manouvere my way to the kitchen and get a cup of tea climbing around their stupid table. One evening I attempted to play with my housemates and boyfriend and eventually got bored and read a magazine instead, mainly because I was losing. I was quite Jeff Winger about the whole scenario so it surprised and amused me at how game the Winger actually was about playing D&D. I was aware of all of the jokes, the emotional stakes that were built up within each game, and the fact that the dungeon master was always an impartial and strangely passive douchebag. The whole episode had me cracking up and this was from personal experience and from the fact that jokes were non stop hilarious. Plus Pierce's reactions and responses remind me of my own thoughts, which is probably not something I should be proud of but was ridiculously funny. Huzzah!
1 Epidemiology
When drunk I have an unwarranted and uncontrollable love of the ever popular band ABBA. This might be a British thing as the movie version of Mamma Mia is the biggest box office sensation since Titanic, so I have the same feeling as every housewife in Britain. I wouldn't never admit this sober though, or in polite conversation. My conflicting love of ABBA and the fact that this is by far one of the best episodes of a television programme in the history of ever, is a complete package. Having an episode dedicated to Zombie movies, even horror in general and still make it a hilarious almost realistic is the reason why it is one of the best and my favourite episodes. For being such an overall hilarious and perfect episode in my mind it is my number one.
Abed: Zombie Attack!
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