Summation

My day off can be broken into several parts. All boring, let's give them a swift and cursory run through.

Boyfriend left for work, see a blurry face which has a familiar smile say good bye to me, only fully awake when he locked the door.

Lying in bed waiting for my alarm to go off, it didn't, felt like I was lying awake for a stupidly long time, watched sunlight weakly creep through curtains, attempted counting sheep, felt like the most boring person on the planet.

Cracked on knitting yet another scarf, I can crank them out when I've got nothing else to do, all it affords me is time to watch television, or today catching up with american television I promised I wouldn't watch. Got through the first few episodes of The Mindy Project (hated it), Ben and Kate (didn't hate it), Go On (infuriated by it) and caught up with 90210 (the worst kind of escapism) Revenge (escapism of the best kind) and The Thick of it (my rationale behind not going into politics) and rewatched my favourite episode of Parade's End (warmed the cockles of my heart.) Got a fair bit of scarf done.

Mother texted and said she'd call me today, that'll be in twenty minutes, frantically showered and put on clothes, feel strangely worried she knows when I talk to her in a state of undress, she gets weird, weirder than normal. It'll be so she can bitch about my sister not moving out, about my dad just acting like he doesn't care, or that whole part of the family we're not inviting to Christmas any more, or the X-Factor/Strictly Come Dancing/Downton Abbey, I already told her I don't watch the X-Factor hopefully that will be rescinded. If she runs out on these topics (rarely) she'll ask me how I am. I'll avoid telling her about whatever stupid thing I've done recently, I will staunchly declare that I am fine, I will not fall into the trap of telling her anything that is bothering me and that she could get drunk and tell the rest of my family about. I'm still avoiding returning home after the last incident where I broke down over the phone to her, luckily when she came to visit she brought my dad, they called me plenty of wonderful things. Nothing would feel more like home than returning in a blaze of glory and engaging in a blazing row with my family about mum's big mouth and my emotional mistakes... Probably won't make me feel better like the good old days where everything could be solved by getting drunk and screaming at one another until someone storms out of the house and threatens divorce/suicide/emancipation, the big three. God those were the days where I was essential... I was the glue that stopped them killing each other... Except I've been gone a year and turns out they don't need me as much as I thought, they're still working just fine plodding along, sad and with their ongoing problems but still functioning, plus they can still have a blazing row without me. Can't say I'm not slightly jealous. Wish I could get upset about something and manifest a row out of thin air in order to rage against every damn thing that has upset me and hurl insults at my loved ones, then we'd wake up in the morning and act like nothing happened and just get on with it. In my quest to avoid turning into my mother I've avoided this practise, turns out I do other things to vent my frustration and confusion, bad things. At least that's all I can figure after going a whole year without once arguing viciously and uninhibited for no other reason than I had a bad day.

Currently I'm just finding other outlets for whatever is upsetting me, talking to people isn't a good option. I tried to start a conversation with someone new yesterday, sounded like I'd burned my tongue, didn't help that he was 19 and adorable, I just managed to sound like an utter prat. Conversations can be so tricky, especially when your conversations turn immediately to 'Ugh, I can't talk today. Ignore me.' And thus you are politely laughed at and then ignored. End of the story would be we had a conversation, I sounded like an old woman, he was young and so sweet, we had nothing in common. Turns out that is knitting and sitting in coffee shops with my headphones and reading material avoiding eye contact with people is pretty much all I enjoy lately.

Broke the hoover whilst listening to really loud Chopin with headphones on, was bizarre sequence where I felt like life was mocking me as I tried to put the messy pieces together and the music sounded endlessly sad. Turns out it's not broken, or I fixed it, or something! Success!

Going to see Looper tonight, expect a crappy review no one will read up tomorrow when I am once again free from work and with nothing to do. Expect my day to be much like this one, except without the call from my mother (no reason to get dressed) and the ruminations about how things used to be. I've been nostalgic for months now, it's getting to the point where I miss what my life used to be even though in hindsight, all the arguing and crying down the phone to various family members about my parent's non-existent divorce was pretty crap. Oh and in the phone call with mother today to my mother she reminded me about their 25th wedding anniversary, had a mini-flashback of all those phone calls with everyone else, told I'd get her a nice card.

Had an idea for my novel, probably won't work on it until much later, no idea how to start it. Usually the start is the easiest bit, but this year I want a middle, a really good one, the end will come later I'm sure! Decided it'll have an interchangeable cast, fleshing characters out always scares me. The core idea is a good one though, I think, did I mention it would probably work better as a stage play? If NaNoWriMo fails then I'll use it for my screenplay!