Reality

CAB was good today, I was the only Gateway Assessor available so I was given some trainees to sit in with me. They were to observe my technique and how I handled interviews. It was terrifying and exciting but I joked and laughed about it, they thought I was confident. The first girl was 19 in her second year of a history degree - cue embarrassing conversations about my wasted potential. It should take six months for an assessor to get signed off, I'm still waiting, but because I've been there so long they are happy for trainees to watch, so there was that awkward explanation, then there was the part where I inadvertently let slip I was effectively doing nothing with my history degree and was an aimless nothing. She was going into law, full of heady ideals and hopes of getting a career, I was equally optimistic but tripped over myself trying to explain why I hadn't actually done anything with my life... That interview went well. She went off to sit with someone else.

Second trainee was an older lady, it was her first ever observation, I was going to colour her perceptions, it went fine. The second was a woman who wanted help filling in a DLA form, it took longer to get her an appointment and she told me how her appendix had been hurting and the doctors had done nothing and one thing led to another and now her whole stomach has somehow exploded and she has a machine with wires hooked up to her. Trainee looked scared. I was scared. She was happy that we could help her though. Another interview before I left. Horrible. Couldn't help the people, and kept them waiting, woman was getting operation, needed the social services to fit a walk-in shower, they kept putting it off. Basically had to explain to them there wasn't much to be done, tried to offer a later appointment, the client then lambasted me and walked out in a barely contained rage. The only thing that stopped me from crying was the trainee sitting in the corner of the room, she came over and I proceeded to explain to her that sometimes we can't help people and they will understandably be very upset, but that's a lesson she should learn before getting to invested in this. She just listened to me prattle on. I gave her a little speech about how we're not magicians and can't wave a wand and fix people's problems, sometimes it has to get worse before it can better and all that. Went into the worker's room with her after filling out report and the Supervisor gave her a very similar speech when she said it had been awful.

Came home and had a cup of tea and a large chocolate bar. Dealing with things much better these days I think... I don't know. I've realised talking to people largely doesn't help, it makes being alone much easier.