Sob Story

I told my boyfriend I spent a lot of time crying last night, he didn't understand why, I told him it was a weird thing, sometimes it just becomes so hard to not cry so I have to let it out. It's a strange sensation, like my well hath runneth over. It's not that I'm sad about anything that I can help, sometimes it just occurs. A lot of the time it's because I've drank something with alcoholic content, most of the time... My mind goes to sad and desperate places that have no relation to my own predicament, although I'm not above feeling incredibly sorry for myself, that's quite often, I also sob about other people, and a few random things. So I compiled a short list of things that do make me cry, apart from the obvious wounds, hormones and pity parties.

Pregnant women.
Spilt milk.
Lonely people.
The smell of sea salt.
Lost in Translation - the movie, it's the only film without fail to have me a quivering wreck at the end.
Cold baths.
Age Concern - The Charity, mainly the thought that there are people it can't help, I cry thinking of them.
The north wind.
My own selfishness.
Grandma sitting in the kitchen being ignored by her husband and just withering away. I think of that frequently, it makes me hate my granddad.
Cracks in stained glass windows.
People with black eyes.
People who are intentionally cruel.
Injustice.
Eyeliner/Mascara - mostly when I jab myself in the eye, I take it horribly personally.
When people ask if I'm ok when I'm not.
Thinking about children who are alone and afraid.
Not knowing the right thing to say to someone.
Empty churches.
Getting drunk, being around people.
Crying babies.
Songs of Praise.

Oh man that was supposed to be a short list... It goes on though. Probably... It's just off the top of my head at the minute. I've noticed there are a few that remind me of home, a few that are about other people, and there are the ones that make me think of church. I know most people just disregard religion nowadays, it's superfluous, it's not necessary to modern society. It's sad to me that people can be so blasé about faith when for the longest time it was an integral part to society, for better or worse. Plus, it was the only thing that kept me going during my darker moments . Deep down there is a hope, a desire, a need to know that there is a guiding hand, a force bigger than our own, something that brought us to this point, that gave us the gift of thought. It's comforting. I always get extremely religious when someone dies, or I feel lost. I once told someone, when I gave up looking for friends I looked for God. I spent a lot of time reading books about Him, not just the Bible obviously, just books, logic, the history of Christianity, people's unwavering beliefs, it was a great comfort to me for a while. This was the same summer when I would be able to say my only friend outside of my family was an old man living in my Uncle's Bed and Breakfast, he was lonely too, I loved talking to him.

Anyways this actually brings me to my point, I cry because there are people in the world who are hurting, lost, alone, helpless, the thought of them makes me sob. The thought of people who actively do things which hurt others, who don't care that there are people in pain as long as they are happy, that makes me cry, it makes me angry that people can be cruel and selfish and can go out and intentionally do things which affect people's lives for the worse. When I'm angry I cry too. It makes me cry when I feel sorry for myself and I feel selfish because there are people who need help. I can get up and do something, I can try and fix my pathetically insignificant problems, some people just can't, they need help. I have over-active tear-ducts.

If I could protect just about anybody from the pains of loneliness and loss I would. People don't know loneliness until they feel it, they can claim it, they can talk about it, but you just don't honestly know until it consumes you completely with it's unfathomable crushing weight, I don't want anyone to feel that way, I would do anything to stop that feeling from existing in the world. I used to sit and talk to that old man at the Bed & Breakfast because he was alone, his brother died while he was there and he had no other family left, all I wanted to do was to help him. We'd talk about cathedrals, about the wars gone by, paintings, music, lots of old things, I like to think I helped him, just by listening.

The other day at the CAB a volunteer complained that a client was being incredibly rude to him, he felt it necessary to point out to them that he was in fact a volunteer, doing this work for free, giving up his free time to get shouted at by irate individuals. Sometimes the people at the CAB do get upset and wound up and emotional, but I never tell call them out for it, sometimes it's just how people cope. They have no other way to vent than to lash out, and sometimes the situation is pretty difficult and we can't help them outright, people get upset then, all I can do is apologise and in some way direct them to someone who can help. It doesn't matter if they are lashing out and being cruel, I am a mask, I don't let it get to me, well it does, sometimes I get upset but I try my hardest not to let it show; it's not their fault they are upset. I don't tell people I'm a volunteer, a lot of them assume I'm getting paid, that I'm getting something out of it, I honestly just wanted to do something worthwhile and help people. I have no reason to correct them, I'm just there to listen and to help. I volunteered for the Samaritans a while ago, I'm thinking of doing it again in the coming months given the time, they only ask for 4 hours a week which I'm sure I can fit into my schedule, it would be worth it if I could help more people. I already did the training the last time, I'm happy to do it again, it's sitting and listening to people on the phone, people who are on the brink of the worst feeling in the world. All I have to do is listen to them, care about them, and I do, I care if people are at the point of no return, I genuinely want to help them. At the end of the day people don't want to be told to just get over it, or move on, they just want someone to listen. It can be so hard when things get so bad and you have no one to listen to you, when everyone has their opinions, their own problems, it's so difficult to just make sense of things and you can get so lost and lonely. Sometimes you just need someone to just hear you, actually listen and know how hard things are, someone knowing, someone sympathising, it's amazing how hard it can be to find someone to do that sometimes; it does a world of good. I summed it up in my head into a single thought, "They don't want to be fixed, they just want to be heard."

It's funny because a lot of people don't think much of me who know me, they think I'm shallow and selfish, I tend to give off that air I think, a bit air-headed and silly, if people don't like me it's because I've done some pretty stupid shitty things. That's fine. I'm not better than anyone. They know I work at the CAB but as far as they know it's because I can and it's something to do, not because I have this crying/over-thinking problem. Just because I lie awake at night crying because I'm imagining some old lady is freezing to death in her empty cold house, that doesn't make me an entirely good person. I also worry about my life, my boyfriend, my family, money, like anyone would. I do and say stupid things, I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, I do things without thinking, but I try and make things better... They don't know who I am, they don't know me deep down, I don't want to share that part of me. The part that wants to help people is a hurt lonely person, a person who is very vulnerable and shy and doesn't get out much, she just wants to get on, she doesn't talk much but she's always there. As long as I know I'm helping someone in the world it doesn't matter, I know I'm trying and I'm doing it because I want to, not for anyone else. Everyone else can make their assumptions, they don't care much about me anyway, they can think I'm crying because I'm just a neurotic mess, to be honest they aren't far off.